Ps. 52:8 But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever.
God this is so hard. I'm sick of Mr. Brown's bad tasting expensive coffee, so I'm sitting against the other side of Mr. Brown's wall at the McDonalds, stealing their wifi. I couldn't sit in my gramps room any longer. The tears were beginning to flow... it's just not a good situation. The dr. came by to share some news, and while it's nothing new, it's a decision that the family needs to make, that they have differing opinions on. So many factors to consider at this old age... prolong his life but take away his legs or watch him slowly suffer and grow into a constantly angry old man as the rest of us tries to eat and do things to prolong his life... and watch my grandma worry her mind and heart off.
I started losing it when my gramps started tearing up, shouting in Chinese... something to the likes of "sacrifice for the country - what's wrong with that... sacrifice for the country..." His mental state is also not great right now - most of the time his mind is clear as the sky (in America... too polluted in Asia for that to be good), but sometimes he gets in these rants. My gramps was pretty senior in the military so I guess those past memories are filling his mind. Then he's yelling at us for trying to force him to eat... nearly spit his pills at me but luckily I still have decent reflexes to jump out of the way. God this is so hard. I had to leave the room as he continued to share about some past stuff, his eyes filled with tears. I just can't handle it. It makes me sad...and helpless. Just eat gosh darn it. Just take your medicine. Just try... we're not a family that gives up. You not eating is making it really hard on the rest of us. Grandma is so worried, and I hate being in the middle of mom and grandma's bickerings... I imagine myself in that field where Ginny and Forrest run to where they pray "make me a bird so I can fly far far away..." or something like that. But I also want to be here...
...so, I run down to the hospital basement to let it out... at a McDs... in my blog... I feel better already. I gotta head back up. Signing off.
1 comment:
i was behind and have been trying to read chronologically but this post caught my eye and i just had to say something. my heart goes out to you and your family! it's so hard to see a loved one transformed like this.
be encouraged, and remember that he doesn't mean to cause the heartache. i'll be praying for you!
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