revealing faithfulness through diet mountain dew

God works in different ways, but He is always working if you ask and welcome Him into your life.  this week has been tough because of a board meeting we were having.  the final prep is always a final crunch, no matter how much in advance you start.

yesterday afternoon i was craving a diet mountain dew.  i kneow, it's random, but i know i'm really tired and desperate to stay awake when i grab for the diet mountain dew. coffee will not do at this point. so there's a little deli down in the building i'm working in.  i go down in search for the mountain dew to find that the store closed half an hour ago.  in my mind i'm saying, "seriously?  it's not even 4!"  at this point i just wanted to pout cuz i was so tired and really wanted this and didn't know where else to go.  totally crankypants.. there's not much in that area in terms of small stores and such.  so then i decide, let's walk to the quiznos acoross the street... and... guess what?  they have diet mountain dew in the soda machine!  those machines never have diet mountain dew as an option!  and all i could do was smile, laugh, and praise God... for providing in even this way.  i know it sounds silly but i walked back to the office feeling so thankful and reassured that it was all going to be okay.  He cares for even the small things.. of course He will take care of the big things... which really are not big things at all... He is faithful... and I was reminded of that through diet mountain dew.  ;)

i feel...

...like this... and it's gonna be a long night...













...picture courtesy of JK from our adventures in India this summer.  i must have been trying osmosis.. never works...

but nonetheless trying to rejoice... because He is good and He deserves to be praised... i've been reading some of Francis Chan's book and i love this blurb... quoting from Crazy Love...

He's talking about the verse in Phil 4:4 that says; "rejoice in the Lord always!"  and he says:
...............
you'll notice that it doesn't end with "... unless you're doing something extremely important".  no, it's a command for all of us, and it follows with the charge, "do not be anxious about anything".  

when i am consumed by my problems-stressed out about my life, my family, and my job - i actually convey the belief that i think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice.  in other words, that i have a "right" to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibiliies.

worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. 

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatiene, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control. 

basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional.  both worry and stress reek of arrogance. they declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, taht we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.

Why are we so quick to forget God?  Who do we thinkg we are?  

I find myself relearning this lesson often.  Even though I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all."
......................................................
Wow... well said. amen to that.  Glad I'm not the only one... so... on that note... I will rejoice!

..oh.. please forgive the typos...too lazy to edit...  little finger boo-boo...

Holy Saturday - "Silence Is Not Empty"

This is what was on my mind today.  What about this Saturday between the death of Christ and His resurrection?  I came across this article which i found insightful...

Today's Slice: The Silence Is Not Empty by Jill Carattini

"Good" Friday and the Father's Cup

I struggle with this day being called "Good" Friday.  I guess you can say that what God did in that day, the transferrance of sin from the multitude over to His one and only perfect and holy son... was good for the multitude... but it just doesn't sit well with me that me, being one of the multitude, would call this a good day.  Maybe it's just me... how can I?  A day that Jesus was flogged and hung on a cross and died... a day that my issues, my problems, my sins were whipped and nailed into Jesus.  I struggle to call it "good" friday.  But I don't doubt the beauty of God's restorative work in our lives... and I know that could only be possible through the death of His son.

A friend had posted this article from the desiring God blog that illustrates Jesus' last day on Earth.   I warn you it is a painful read, but an important one that provides some helpful imagery and emotion to the physical pains that Jesus went through.  For me, my heart wrenched as i read it... as  I pictured His skin being ripped off, thought about that cross that Jesus died... for me... that's not fair that he would have to do that for me... I am the guilty one..  I don't deserve this love He gives so graciously... the cost for such a sacrifice... wow... who am i but a hypocrite.  who am i but a betrayer.  who am i but a flaky child who doesn't know what or whom she loves more.  who am i to deserve such love.  and yet, you call me your child.  wow.

thank you for sending your son.  Jesus I'm sorry for the pain I inflicted upon you.  I'm sorry that even though my mind knows... my actions don't follow.  I betray you... I break promises to you... I don't love you enough... I often love the world more.  i don't even know what it means to give it all to you... and yet you still love me and give me all.  i'm sorry for not even being sorry enough... thank you for accomplishing the mission.  thank you.

link to the post:
The Father's Cup (Good Friday)

Lives transformed – how can you not be changed?

Tonight was the annual members meeting.  It was indeed a wonderful event.  There were a few performances to help make the ministry “real” to the different folks in the audience.  One peformance was about the street dwellers program they have.  Powerful.  The individuals performing and singing were all previous street dwellers.  To see them now, on their feet, working, living, filled with joy.  Brings tears to my eyes.  To see them transformed – to see their families changed forever… amazing… genuine faith, genuine peace, genuine joy exudes from their faces.

Preschool Graduation

Earlier this week, I was asked to speak for a commencement address… for 5 year olds who were graduating from pre-school.  These kids are part of CCT’s school – all are children of microfinance loan recipients or kids from families who were previously street dwellers and are now part of CCT’s programs.  Let me tell you, it was not easy to come up with a commencement address for these kids.  I mean, do you speak to the kids or to the parents?  And if both, well, it’s an awfully large age gap!

When we arrived at the graduation location, it was so awesome to see these kids in their formal Filipino attire, kids being kids, and parents being parents… proud… taking photos of their little ones.  Once the ceremony got started, I was just so impressed, again teary eyed, seeing these kids, seeing the proud parents.  For many if not all of these kids, they are getting an education that they would not have had the chance to have.  These little 5 year olds started the year not being able to speak, read, write, count, etc.  Let me tell you… these kids were up on stage, singing, reciting memory verses, and one little boy even got up to read a passage from genesis… literally reading it.  Painfully slow but how amazed I was to see him sound out words and actually read God’s word…

A CCT pastor was going to translate my speech for me, but we quickly realized the translation was only needed for the parents and families.  The little children all understood.  Amazing to see how quickly these kids have learned this year.  So precious… so beautiful…

I had to bolt to catch my flight home, so unfortunately could not stay for the entire graduation.  But after the speech, and before leaving they asked me to stand with the kids for a photo.  I wish I could have gotten a photo of the parents taking a photo of us.  Literally, a row of parents in front of us snapping a shot.  I got a glimpse of what it must feel like to be a famous person at a press conference or something.  Unfortunately had to rush and head out from there… but first of course had to get one more “halo-halo” which literally means “mix-mix”…  a mixture of shaved ice, tapioca, condensed milk, beans, ice scream, so many other things… so good so good…

Sad to leave... will back post some photos in the next couple days...

Formal means formal!

I was told to bring a semi-formal outfit for a members board meeting they were having – an annual meeting.  So, I packed a dress that I’ve worn to weddings in the states.  Apparently, it is not formal enough.  Now I know, for future reference, semi-formal in the Philippines means very formal!  Shopping for formalwear in the states is hard enough for me.  To do it in another country on a tight schedule…

New dress, Filipiana scarf to not look so boring American, and new shoes.  My shoes are too casual, and was going to borrow heels from my friend at the office, but seriously… I feel like a giant here, and the last thing I want to do is wear heels and make myself even more of a giant.

a corporate culture filled with the spirit

Every day my mouth drops when I hear how God is moving in and through people in this ministry.  The staff of this organization, in every branch throughout the Philippines, they get together at 7am to corporately worship together.  They worship, they pray, they read the word, and they have bible study.  I’ve learned that most staff have really long commutes, many over an hour… one guy has a 3 hour commute… and they are often at the office late into the evening too.  I don't know how they do it!  Well, actually I do… the secret… probably is their commitment to this daily time of worship, of time with Him, to really set the tone of the day, of the week, of their work. He sustains. In addition to this, staff are all being discipled and/or discipling.  How awesome it is that all of this is where they work.  Work is taken seriously.  The business is run well.  An organization where issues are actually addressed.  Action is taken with creativity, as the spirit leads.  And it’s so clear and evident, in every person that you meet, from the ex-street dwellers and microfinance loan recipients and their children on up through staff and leadership, it is is amazing to see how Christ has transformed their lives.  it’s so refreshing to see, hear, and talk about God in every aspect of the work.  how can I not speak about what I see… God let me not go back to the comforts and the spiritually dry life.  Let me live transformed… refreshed in your spirit.

back to the philippines

I’m back in the Philippines to be with our partner there.  CCT – an amazing organization they are indeed.  I’m humbled and so blessed everytime.  God is moving mightily and powerfully using this organization.  What a privilege to be with them and be part of their work, even in small ways.

This trip popped up last minute – I suppose there is nothing new about that.  My organization was sending our Ugandan organization’s leader to CCT to give her exposure to an organization that integrates spiritual development with community development and poverty alleviation, and especially even in the business side of microfinance.  Ministry leads and is what it is all about.

This morning I popped myself into the van and it was so exciting to see our African partners there inside the van!  Such a blessing to see their faces and their excitement around how much they have gained from this visit.  I’m joining them on the tail end to debrief, and then spend some additional time with CCT on other things as well.  Once in the van, we headed to CCT’s board meeting. 

Let me tell you, no offense to the board meetings I’ve been to in the past from my corporate and continuing into my non-profit days, this board is amazing.  Successful men and women, committed Christians, so involved and committed to this ministry.  I’m also used to Boards composed of all older white men, with maybe a token women or person of color to help “diversify” the group. How exciting it was to be in this room, still mostly men, but all Asian – Filipino or Filipino-Chinese – discussing business and taking responsibilities and actions to move the organization forward.  Amazing.

Good day of debrief with our African partners.  Sorry to see them leave tonight.  I’m on my own for the next week.

workaholic.. please save the comments.

I really hate being associated with this term.  I realize I’m the only one to blame for having created this image of myself simply by the nature of the field I was in and the work that continues to today.   But it’s like no matter how hard I try to get rid of that image, the old image is always impressed on the minds of those close to me.  Even if I count the number of times I’ve actually pulled out my laptop among friends out of just the total number of times I’ve just simply hung out – whether that’s shopping, eating, whatever – the percentage has gone down significantly.  Not that I actually measure it but it is something that I am sensitive to, so when I hear a comment that negates tbe efforts, naturally I want to justify by looking back at the past few months.  And my conclusion based on my unscientific evaluation is that it is difficult to erase a negative image that’s become ingrained in the minds of those close to you, even if your behavior has changed, or is trying to change.  I wish they could see the efforts I take to not be the person who’s always working… even if that means working all night after chillaxing with friends to catch up.  I know that’s not what they want either, but what am I to do?  It will just pile on top.  I know I haven't been present much the past few months so I'm trying - trying to be present as much as I can.  I want to be with friends. I really do.  But there are times that some multitasking and sometimes not "being there" mentally all the time will take place.  Maybe it's better to just not be there then.  I don't know... 

I guess I wish for some grace in just letting me be. I’m tired of having to justify. i'm tired of the comments even if it may be in care.  I wish they could understand.  starting a biz is difficult… if it were not for His leading, I would not have gone this route.. I wish they understood the pressure and stress it entails. in the stages i went through last year, there was no end to the work.  it was a build stage.  and teh longer it takes to build, the longer i wait until business comes.  yes, i have flexibility in schedule, but i need to be disciplined to move things forward. It took nearly a year to get my brand identity together, and even with that, it’s not great, but sufficient enough.  a year of spinning... a year of brainstorming, most of the time to myself.. a year of scribbling, writing, drawing, and mostly deleting and rewording in very minor ways… to create a short 2-3 page document.  The results don’t look like much but yes it took all that time. its frustrating the time and effort it takes to create this.  I don’t enjoy it, but I wish they could just understand that the longer it takes to get “this” together… get the business going… the longer it is before any income comes in.  unfortunately that means there are meetings, calls, time that i literally can't afford to not take.  if this is where God has led me, then it is a question of stewardship.  am i stewarding the time, His time, wisely.  most likely not but i must try, even if that means saying no to things i would rather do.

I am human and need breaks… I waste time on facebook, reading news, emails, online window shopping, all of it... I've got other things and respnosibilities outside of work but it often all blends together.  There are certain lives that I’m investing in that take time… that take energy… that take away time for others who I am perhaps closer to… I’m tired of feeling like I need to justify my life, my actions, my schedule to people.  I’m tired of living for others and trying to please them… I’m tired of feeling guilty for not spending quality time with people.. I’m tired of it… because I realize no matter how much I try to spend quality time, I guess it seems that it goes unnoticed anyways.  It’s easier to give up.  Why try, especially once the impression is stuck, I give up…

I know it, I just need to not feel bad about it... in fact I should feel super proud of it...because He's worthy and the best to follow. He's worth giving every ounce of energy, every second of time.  I live for Him… I seek His priorities… push forward where He leads..  but i want community too... 

okay... enough mental vomitting... venting... 

i love utah...

Just back from a wonderful trip to Utah.  Small group this year but well worth the trip.  Started poorly as my college buddy who came along hurt her knee and then one guy lost his iphone (thankfully there are some honest people who brought it to the lost and found).  But things were good from then on.  Snowed while we were there, which means fresh powder.  God shows his faithfulness even in these small ways.  I wasn’t praying for snow, but Judy was… and oh man, did He answer!  We visited a new church this time – Capital Church.  Really enjoyed it and looking forward to listening to the series they’re doing on Luke online – hoping its posted there!

Snow also means the American rental car would not make it up the mountain without chains or 4x4, so we had to hop a bus up.  Unfrotunately the bus was running over an hour late.  Other folks waiting for the bus crossed the street and started hitchhiking.  We saw a couple successes so Judy and I crossed the street and popped the thumb up.  Next thing we know, a car stops!  The driver of that car was wearing a Phillies shirt!  Had a great ride up, talking Phillies, cheesesteaks, Wawa, Tastycakes, and more.  The guy is a Philly native who moved here last year with his wife.  They love it here!  Actually several people we met were also transplants here and they’ve never regretted the move.  It’s so tempting…. I want to be there… I wish my lungs could handle it better… we’ll see…  and i'd totally consider picking up a hitch hiker now... well, after looking him/her up and down very carefully.

praying our flights leave on time as scheduled.  i'm off to the philippines the next morning, and flying out of jfk so if our flight is cancelled or delayed or we miss it... i'm in big trouble!

life working in an unprofitable for-profit and a slightly profitable non-profit

I was trying to explain to some folks what I do in as brief a way I could.  And having faced some very annoying issues with my business accountant who I paid a bunch for already but would have to pay even more for him to finish my 2011 taxes… I made the non-economical decision to part ways and find a new accountant altogether.  So of ocourse at the top of my mind as I’m trying to summarize my life/career right now, is how annoyed and unfair that I am paying so much for an accountant for the little work that probably has to go into my taxes.  Prior to starting the biz, I’ve always done my own taxes so having to pay that much is RIDICULOUS!

So here’s my brief one sentence descprtion: I work for an UNprofiitable for-profit, and a somewhat profitable non-profit.  

...and despite that, I’m paying a lot for someone to help take care of my unprofitable situation...having successfully made very little this year… perhaps my least financially productive year since i started working... in high school or college. wow. i'm so proud. a building year??  ;)  i'd better get some good returns!

drawing on His promises

sometimes i can't help but seek the things of the world.  i see friends moving up the corporate ladder, taking new and interesting opportunities, and know that that could be me...  i know i could be making more than twice what i make now... well, i mean God is gracious as just a few months back, it would have been more than 200% more... i know i could be doing some interesting things... but... God has me here.  He knows best.. so I'm learning to trust... day by day.. trying to grateful... trying to rememeber his faithfulness all the time.

it's been a rough few weeks.