"OFWs"

as we pulled up to my terminal at the Manila airport, i was surprised by the large crowds outside the airport.  some waiting to get inside, others just hanging around the airport.  the folks from our partner organization dropping me off said that those were the OFW... individuals going to other countries to work, away from their families, friends, culture, community.  a long line to enter the airport of local Filipinos, ready to separate from their families for who knows how long, as they take service jobs internationally, to other parts of Asia and the Middle East.  In '08 on my way back from India, I saw a similar scene, only it was all men with no luggage or anything, boarding a plane to Riyadh to do construction work and such.  I was discussing with the stranger sitting next to me about human trafficking and how this too was a form of trafficking.  wow.

For whatever reason, the scene just wrenched my heart. I just feel for these individuals and their families.  It's hard to justify either way because in one sense they are going to make money to help support the family at home... so the family can live... so they sacrifice themselves, subjecting themselves to harsh conditions and treatment and separation from loved ones... but i don't know... it's still hard for me to see... My grandparents in Taiwan have had individuals from the Philippines and Indonesia come and help out at the house, and something about it has always bothered me.  I mean, not that our family treats them poorly, but something about it... it's like God's placed this burden on my heart or something.

after i got back from india, the first movie i saw was "the help", a story about African American nannies raising Caucasian children back in the early/pre-Civil Rights days.  a powerful movie... and a reminder of why it's so important that we help enable and encourage peopel to tell their stories... it's important for the rest of the world to hear, and it's important for the individual and others in similar circumstances to hear and be empoewred to shared.  all you need is one person to stand up and take a risk for change...  that's what i am praying for in one of the slum communities in india... just one person to take a stand, to speak their heart, to have the hope that life can be different, that things can change, if they would stand up... 

i'm not sure what this post is about really as i'm not just rambling... but it's what's going on in my head... disconnected thoughts that are seemingly triggering thoughts that are somewhat connected in my strange little brain.

a cucumber garden growing on my foot

yes, yes, that is what happened last night... in my deep sleep... so deep that i actually remembered by dream.  I rarely remember dreams, and well, I'm so glad I did today because it's absolutely ridiculous and bizarre.  So before I tell you what happened, I'll share perhaps why cucumbers may have been on my mind.  

The other day we ate at a restaurant that was... hrmm... like an amusement park... like disneyland... giant gorilla statue in the back, goddess totem poles all over, and other interesting statues and monuments throughout this restaurant.  anywhere else, it would have been tacky, but somehow, this place was quite... amusing?  strangely it somehow all 'works' in my mind.  i think it's because of the bamboo pole sidewalks and bamboo and straw huts that you sit in to eat... that all somehow balances the setting and turns the tacky into a fun, interesting setting.  quite an enjoyable lunch, perhaps because of the live entertainment of singers and guitarists roaming around to each hut to perform for our tips... nah... that was nice... but the company... amazing people with a faith that drives them and the organization they are leading. i'll write more about them in a separate posting sometime later.  back to the subject though.. the cucumber...  so at this restaurant, there was a dish full of vegetable - bitter gourd, pumpkin, and some kind of cucumber or squash of some sort that I really liked.  And perhaps eating that cucumber at this amusement park like restaurant, where the impossible is possible if you only wish and dream and have child like hope... perhaps that was the cause of this interesting dream.

   

just liked this "sign"...

here's the dish that may caused this all

so here's what happened in the dream.  i was with a friend who said that we needed to grow our own food for tomorrow.  so we planted some seeds in a pot that had to rest by our feet (i have no clue why... perhaps the wafting of the wonderful scents of feet provide some sort of amazing fertilizer... i don't know.. it was a dream...).  while my friend is telling me this, of course I doubt how it could be possible for us to plant seed and for them to grow by the next morning, but nonetheless i just went ahead.  the next morning, when we awoke, she ripped off her covers and by her feet in the planter were 4 beautiful small cucumbers and I think some other random veggies.  i was so shocked but excited all at the same time.  now, it was my turn.  i take my covers off and i was horrified to find that... my planting resulted in one HUGE cucumber.  why was i not happy about this?  because it was growing around my foot and ankle!  literally, this cucumber had enveloped my foot and ankle.  how could this have happened?  did i place all the seeds to close together?  did i dip my foot in the planter at night?  what happened?  well, it didn't really matter.  anyhow, i awoke shortly after... somewhat disturbed by this interesting dream.

...dad...where are you?

i'm enroute back to hk right now.  had a good couple days chilling with my rents in bejing where they just moved to a few weeks back.  my parents just moved into their new apartment, which i must say is quite nice.  having only moved in a week ago, naturally we spent quite some time visiting the super walmart and carrefour to stock up their apartment.  i even got to assemble a shelf for them.  another role reversal moment... not that i did much to help them get settled, but going to walmart after moving into a new place is something i am fond of doing... assembling ikea-like furniture is up my alley... having my parents help me with all that is common, especially during my first few years of living independently.  but now, it was me going with them to shop for them... like back to school shopping... filling up the dorm room... only they have a really sweet dorm suite....  filled up on peking duck, mcd's, burger king, noodle soup, and other stuff...  yes, we love our fast food joints... especially in asia.

my mom popped me into a taxi this morning to head to the airport.  i went a bit earlier in hopes of meeting my dad there.  my pops had to meet someone at the airport and has a meeting there this afternoon, so i was hoping to catch him there briefly before i headed through immigration and security, but i never found him.  i felt like a little kid, waiting and waiting, wandering back and forth between different coffee stands, wanting to yell for dad, hopeful and eager he'd just appear out of nowhere like in the movies, but that didn't happen.  it was never a certainty it would happen but i guess i just hoped it would.... like the feeling you get when on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa.  again i found myself thinking and getting annoyed about the fact that there were just so many asian faces... asian men...how am i to find my dad in the sea of these people with the same color hair and basic business attire?  all throughout i got a couple of phone calls from what looked like an unfamiliar US number which i didn't pick up since i had no idea who it was... figured it's prolly not important so I didn't want to incur the charges... i gave up on finding my pops and headed onto the tram towards my gate... that same # called again.. decided to pick up and low and behold it was my dad... asking if i was ok.  we didn't get to talk long so who knows what happened, but man i wished i had just picked up the phone earlier!

i can't help but wonder if God thinks the same thing back at us... as i search all over for him in the things that i'm doing, even as i call out to him in my prayers... perhaps i just need to pick up the phone and listen... i can imagine Him saying "tammy, i'm right here.  you're okay. i am right here for you... why do you forget me?  why do you wonder where i am?"  picking up my dad's phone call incurred a financial cost - that's why i didn't pick up earlier... i mean, i also just didn't know who it was... but when we choose to pick up His phone call, sometimes that incurs a cost too... sometimes it means stopping what you're doing which from a worldly perspective is lost time and lost productivity... but if you don't pick it up, you're just going in circles or going downhill... so... pick up the phone and say hello to the one who's on the other end who is always there, always ready to embrace, if only we would let Him by taking the time to be with Him.

a sea of Chinese people...

When I'm in China, I often find myself thinking and saying semi-outloud, under my breath... "there's so many chinese people..."  I mean, obviously, right?  when in china, wouldn't you expect that?  and not that it bothers me that there are so many, but i have to admit that it sometimes overwhelms me that there are so many asian faces all around.  i mean really, i should just look in the mirror i realize, but yeah... ya know... 

back to my roots

Even though I only lived in Boston for the first year of my life, there’s something about that place that just feels like home… like my roots.  Despite the craziness of life, it’s where I find great peace and refreshment.  It helps that one of my best friend’s from high school lives here so I get to hang with her, just be real, do our thing, and be refreshed with each other’s company, but also in His word.  It’s interesting because whenever we are together, I feel that we spend more time in front of our laptops or books (she’s teaching at Tufts and BU), then we spend talking to each other – I mean, we get plenty of time to catch up and stuff, but there’s just something nice about being in each other’s company, even silently, taking care of life.

Anywho, this trip we also ran a 10K together, which was fun, despite my poor fitness levels.  We took our time, enjoyed the beautiful but hot weather, started together and finished together.  The rest of the short time there was spent at her kitchen table working or at a local Sbux that I crashed at while she went abouts her thing.  I love that we can do that… we can just live life… and enjoy the time no matter how brief or long...   

Anyways, flying back to Philly now where it will be a bit nuts for the next 48 hours.  It’s interesting because it’s not like in Boston life stops.  The good (and bad) thing about my work is that it’s virtual and it basically travels with me wherever I am.  But there’s just so much surround sound when in Philly and NYC and even DC, the 3 cities I’ve been frequenting for work stuff lately…

an update... after i landed back in philly my calendar cleared up for that afternoon! PTL! i was going to have to run to nj to take care of my parents' house stuff, then rush back for a meeting... then wed head down to dc at the crack of dawn for a meeting, and then back to philly to pack and then head up to nyc to catch my flight out to china/philippines the following day. NUTS! but ptl cuz we moved the dc meeting to my parents house!! still a lot to do but such a relief.  yes... completely strange but so awesome for me...  thank you God!

calendar = big game of blockus

seriously... this month... i just want to pull my hair out trying to arrange and re-arrange my schedule... it really feels like a big game of blockus... blocks are being added but there is no room for them to be added, so then i must rearrange... then cancel other things... ugh... it's such a pain.

on another note, why is it so hard to get to jfk airport from philly.  i mean seriously, someone needs to start a cheap shuttle van/bus option because what's out there is absolutely ridiculous..  what if i don't want to take a train to a bus to a subway to another bus... or a train to another train to a bus... what if i just want to ride there direct and not have to move luggage back and forth everywhere.  i'm headed to china and the philippines on thursday for a short trip for some meetings... yes it is last minute... but between now and thursday i go from boston to philly to nj back to philly then to dc back to philly and then somehow have to make my way up to jfk in time to catch a flight.  i have a headache.  figuring out the calendar... travel... is more than a full time job.  how am i to get everything else that is already buried done... alright, complaining about it isn't moving me forward but i just needed to vent a bit...

"tw please come to gate e15"

i hitched a ride to the airport following a flag football game.  i was a bit early but i was really looking forward to the time to just sit and catch-up on stuff at the airport.  unfortunately, lately it's been hard to find time to just sit and not feel like i have to run to something or hit another deadline or whatever.  i feel so behind in so many things so i really wanted this time to sit and check things off the list... and most importantly just to sit and spend some good time with Him.

so i get to the airport, and i'm early enough that i can actually catch the earlier flight out.  but nah, like i said, i wanted some time to just sit... secondly, the change fee i'd have to pay was more than the price i paid for the flight.. i got a pretty sweet deal.  scratch that.

now, let me paint a picture here.  so i am sitting on a bar stool like chair that faces my gate.  yes, i'm somewhat aways from the seating area around my gate, but literally, it's right in front of me, within visual range without a doubt.  clearly i was enjoying myself way too much...  i was watching the time, but it just didn't register that at some point i'd have to board the plane... i sat, did some stuff, jumped on a phone call to work through some stuff, and then i hang up the phone, telling the guy that i needed to get back to him in a second after i found some data number off my phone.  i'm sitting there searching my phone, then an announcement: "tw please come to gate e15".  totally not registering what was going on, i ask the lady next to me to watch my stuff which is sprawled across this table so i could go up and find out what was going on.  i get to the man... there's no one sitting around.. no one standing in line to board... it's a southwest flight so ya know.. you line up according to your number... and it's usually crowded with people getting ready to board.  i ask the man, still clueless: "are we boarding?"  and he's like... "umm.. yes, we've boarded."  OOPS!  clearly my mind was elsewhere... ran back to my stuff, threw it in my bag and boarded a full flight.  i mean, there wasn't even anyone on the jetway.. they were seated.  i wasn't totally the last person, but definitely one of the last.

anyways, i couldn't help but laugh at how completely ridiculous i am... i mean, i had plenty of time.. i almost jumped on an earlier flight.. who would've thought there'd be any chance i'd miss this one.  just clueless, in my own world.. or perhaps just in several different worlds and having trouble focusing.

jury duty

today was my first round of jury duty - ever.  i believe jury duty is a good thing, and so important for the functioning of our democracy.  it's sad that oftentimes we just want to get out of it, i myself feel that too sometimes, because it really is a privilege for us to participate.  it's similar to our right to vote.  by not voting, by not participating, we are relinquishing this precious gift of freedom that we have been given - that people had to die for and fight for - that people today in other parts of the world are fighting for.  And yes it's so easy for us to throw a pity party and fuss about our busy lives and what a pain it is to sit in a room and potentially sit on a panel or God forbid an actual jury.  Wow - I say this not in judgment of anyone, except, perhaps myself.  Worse so, I believe so much that our participation is part of our civic responsibilities and duties, and yet still I, found myself thinking of ways to get out of it with concerns over my upcoming travel schedule...

Here's how the day went:

1. My roommate and I hopped into my car this morning and stopped at Dunkin for some eye opening coffee (which did not work very well) and a greasy, delicious, fatty sausage, egg, cheese croissant. 
2. Drop roommate off near the office and then off to a local parking lot. Speed walk to the building
3. Walk in, go through security, join the long line of folks waiting to get their papers scanned and enter the room.
4. Get scanned, grab papers, find a seat in the waiting room FILLED with people.  I had no idea so many people were selected on a daily basis to come and sit.  How many Philadelphians are there?  How is it that this was my first summons, and how is it that many of my friends still haven't been called if they require so many to come each day?!
5. Fill out the questionnaires - which by the way are not that easy to complete.  you really have to put some thought into it because sometimes it's hard to not be biased or emotional or make decisions based on your morals.  
6. Sit, wait, read, lounge, struggle to stay awake, headnod, wait for your name to be called.
7. Several groups of people are called and asked to leave the waiting room and go to the room assigned to their Judge, or something like that.
8. at 9:30am, for Judge M, I get called as the 18th person to be part of this panel.  I'm getting excited... but the lady tells our group to stay seated, unlike the other groups who were called and then asked to line up and then head out to their respective rooms.
9. another hour passes... lady announces... for those of you with Judge M, I haven't forgotten about you... they are not ready for you yet.  i continue to attempt reading or working but can't focus cuz i'm so sleepy.
10. another hour passes... same announcement... i go buy a soda to supplement my insufficient coffee caffeine intake.
11. 12pm hits - lady announces... for those of you with Judge M, I haven't forgotten about you... you and for any one whose name has not yet been called, you may go take your lunch break.  be back here by 1:30.  in my mind i'm thinking what a generous lunch break this is!  govt...
12. walk over to reading terminal for lunch. take care of some urgent travel plans with my folks in china via skype over a bad internet line there... so frustrating... ran into my friend from church who is also in jury duty -what a coincidence.  look like a guest at the hotel across the street and 'borrow' their wifi.
13. 1:30 go back through security and re-enter the courtroom.  
14. 2:00 - lady says... Judge M, I haven't forgotten about you.  Judge M says no thanks we don't need your help today..  so you and everyone else may be dismissed for the day.  thank you for participating....
15. get the $9 check for our hard work and roll out, grab the car, head up to nyc

In the end, let's do the math to see how i made out by end of jury duty.

+$9 for participating in jury duty

-$8 parking

-$1.50 soda to stay awake in the waiting room

-$6.42 lunch at reading terminal

= -$6.92

and that doesn't even include my breakfast sandwich and coffee which my roommate so generously treated me too!  nor the value of time...


i feel like today could have been a really productive day for me sitting in the waiting room with my laptop.. if only i wasn't so stinking tired.  i was having enough trouble reading a magazine without wanting to put my head down... but then i also couldn't pass out because then i wouldn't know if i was called!  i'm sure i did a few headbobs...  i hate that... you're not productive but neither do you get rest as you attempt to force yourself to stay awake... oh well...

one other thing -i loved the diversity in the room...  good sampling... i like.

jury duty 2011 - checked off for the year.

untangling to freedom

as i sit and think about what is going on inside of my mind and heart, i can't just help but feel angry and tired. well the anger has dissipated in the form of tears that couldn't hold back earlier... and it's not that i'm angry at anyone because really, if there was anyone to blame it would be myself, for letting things pile on top of each other and simply not having the energy to handle it.

my schedule has just been no fun the past couple months. sometimes i just want to do what i want to do, selfish stuff and all.  i don't want to have to justify and explain... i feel like i'm constantly saying 'i'm sorry' to people because i can't do this, can't participate in that, i have to change their schedules for mine, i'm late for something, or can't deliver something on time, or whatever... i'm kind of tired of feeling and saying sorry for my excusable and inexcusable actions. i'm sorry for being sorry??

how do you place a value on people... on relationships... how can you weigh the value of that? how can you say one set of people are more important than the other? sure, one may have more lasting impacts but does that mean the immediate relationships that could be impacted in the short-term are less important and less valuable?

This song pops on while I write this..
"Freedom reigns in this place, showers of Mercy and Grace. Falling on every face, there is freedom. If your tired and thirsty, there is freedom. If your tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus. There is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom."


Freedom - because we have it, it gives us choice, which is a blessing yet can complicate things. true freedom is in Christ... if only I would give it all to Him... when we are tired and thirsty, there is freedom... yes, there is... and that's exactly what i want. i don't want to feel tied down and tangled in a schedule of this and thats... commitments here and there... i just want to be committed to Him... and in that I know there is freedom. if only it were so easy... but it should be... if i only i could obey.. if only i could fully trust... if only i could just be 220% sold out for Him..