I appreciate what you’re doing!

In the vast underground world of NYC, I was rushing from subway to subway, and saw a lady with a paper bag full of plastic Poland spring water bottles.  It reminded me of my days as the unofficial recycling girl at the large Fortune 500 company that I worked for.  Well, I only did one site, but on a weekly basis there was plenty of recycling and trash to be personally walked to my car, driven to the recycling dumpster at my apartment, and dumped in.

As I watched her from behind, I really wanted to encourage her to keep it up.  It’s a thankless job, and it’s easy to just say, “forget it!  What’s a handful of bottles anyways… " so, well, as I brushed by her I said “hey!  I appreciate what you’re doing! Thank you.”  and then went on my merry way.  It felt good to say that… although there was a side of me that wanted to say: “great job, but why don’t you get yourself a reusable bottle and drink tap.  NYC tap is great,” but I held back, as I myself was holding a plastic bottled drink in my hand.  One step at a time.  We’ve got to celebrate the small things… the small wins.  Change takes time, and she was doing her part.  So, thank you lady!

I know they teach you not to talk to strangers, but, we live in a global community.  And to be a community, you’ve gotta be open to listening, seeing, and talking to others.  So I encourage y’all to go and see, listen, and talk.  I mean, be smart, but treat people with dignity, and my motto... stolen from my past job... assume positive intent first.  I guess it's less relevant a motto for this instance, but perhaps for the homeless man I talked to yesterday.

What's so hard to love?

This evening as I was walking from my brother's apartment to meet my friend, I walked by a homeless man, shirt half off, sitting on top of a grated area, trying to get comfortable.  I wanted to do something for him, but then shamefully walked by him as if he was not there.  It was somewhat of a darker street and less populated, and no food options were around, so I walked right by him.  He didn't even ask for anything.  He did not look good.

As I walked by him, I started to get really mad at myself.  Just stop. Turn around. Go talk to him.  But... I kept going.  Yes, there was a side of me that was wanting to protect myself, but there was also a side of me that was thinking about the inconvenience of it all.  God I am sorry!  So then as I continued to walk, I promised God that the next homeless person I see, I'll get him/her something.  Gosh... forgive me for bargaining with you...

So then I met up with my friend Tomo for a date to Pinkberry.  We walked by a man holding a cup of change.  I stopped Tomo and told her about my promise to God, and that we needed to go and talk to the man.  (in college, Tomo and I would often talk and eat with homeless guys so it actually felt pretty normal).  So we went, offered to buy some food for him, and he said very honestly... "that's nice of you.  How about a juice."  And we prod and ask, "are you sure you don't want a sandwich or pizza or something?"  And he's like, "no... just juice... i just had a slice... but thank you."  And off we went to get him some juice.  The man was so gentle and thankful.  We fist bumped, or as Tomo taught me today, we "dapped" (she teaches high school kids who taught her that), and wished each other well.  Just a normal human being, like me, who's currently got some challenging circumstances.  He is made in the image of God, just like I am. That man was not that hard to love once we started talking.  We need to put down our stigmas and walls, treat humans (no matter how they look, smell, act) like God's precious children, and learn to care for one another and love each other.  Learning to love what seems difficult to love... but if God could love someone like me... then what could possibly be my excuse.

Random Coincidence?

So I think God is trying to speak to me through this Chris Tomlin song.  It seems to be playing everywhere I go.  You know... it's kind of like that Lamb Chops play along song... you know what I'm talking about..."this is the song that never ends, yes, it goes on and on, my friends. some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because..."  Okay well this song is not quite like that and it's not annoying at all.. I like it a lot... but you get the point... I hope...

So then this evening, as I opened pandora, this song starts playing. As the same exact time (literally), I happened to directed to some random website (not a music or lyrics site) and the lyrics to that song are literally sitting there in front of my face on the website home page.  How crazy is that!  So well, I feel that I should post it on my blog.  As it ministers and teaches me, I hope it does to you as well.

(I took repetitive chorus/bridge sections out to save space...)
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Remembering 9/11

9 years have passed.  I can remember the vivid details of the day.  I have not seen too much of it on TV as I haven't been home, but was just on a website and the pics came up... oh man, seeing those pictures brings it all back, very clearly.  It brings chills.  It brings sadness.

I remember the day unfolding in my dorm room in NYC.  I woke up to get ready for my first class of the day...then went to my computer.  My friend IM'd me asking if I had heard about the WTC?  My initial reaction was... uh... you mean like 7-8 years ago?  She said - go and turn the TV on.  Woh - what's going on.  One tower had been struck by a plane.  The smoke was billowing up into the clouds, flames still bright and smoky.  I stood motionless in front of the TV.  My suitemates started walking over. They sat down.  Then all of a sudden another plane comes across and flies into the 2nd building.  At first, I thought they were showing a video replay of the plane hitting the building, but then I quickly realized that now both buildings had been hit and were on fire. Wow. I could not believe.  In my mind I thought, could this really be happening?  What's going on?  It was shocking to see the plane hit the 2nd tower as it happened - that doesn't happen in today's news.  The broadcasters were just as shocked as we were.  I had to go to class but I didn't want to leave the TV. What's going on? I packed up and left for class.

In class, the teacher dismissed anyone who needed to connect with family members who worked in the Towers but asked everyone else to stay.  We acknowledged what happened, and then we attempted to go on with class.  The teacher wanted to keep some semblance of order, of regularity, that us watching the news all day or venturing downtown to the site would not do anyone any good.  I got back to my dorm after class and both Towers were engulfed in flames.  Then suddenly 1 just begins collapsing in on itself.  I was so disturbed... what's going on?  Oh man my heart sunk. How many lives were lost.  What will happen?  Who was in there?  Do I have friends or family in there?  I didn't want to leave the TV, but I had to get to my next class - they weren't canceling them.  Afterward as I walked back to my dorm, you could see the smoke clouds billowing high above in the sky.  People were staring at the sky.  People were chattering.  People were scared.  People were dazed.  I came back to the TV and the 2nd tower was gone too.  So surreal...All the phone lines are axed or busy so I can't call my parents.  I send my mom an IM to let her know we're fine. Thank God for IM... it was our means of communicating both on campus with our peers as well as with family whereever they may be.  I am utterly shocked.  I can't believe what I'm seeing.  The two towers... an iconic symbol of NYC... was gone.  More importantly, the people who didn't make it out.  God what is going on.

Growing up in central Jersey, friends' parents worked in those buildings. Did they make it out okay?  I thought, it could have easily been me or my family in those towers. I had recently just sung there with my gospel choir at the amex building at 3 World Financial Center right next door... I was frequently in office buildings throughout NYC interning or interviewing for internships.. we just visited the Towers a few months earlier on a family NYC trip. We have several snapshots looking up at the towers - one that was just taken months earlier.  It was scary to think about that...all we could do was sit there, in front of the tv and watch as the tragedy evolved, from NYC to DC to PA.  I would find out later that the man who helped take down the terrorists and the plane in PA lived in the neighborhood behind mine and attended a church that we sometimes visited.. leaving behind a young beautiful family.  Recent Columbia grads who worked in those Towers didn't make it. But there were also plenty of stories of survivors - people who made it out and had to walk to NJ to get home or who for whatever reason were not yet in the office or did not go that day.  We were thankful they made it... but they all had stories of others who did not.

We all felt so helpless - we all wanted to do something to help, but what could we do?  There was a public call for blood donations to local blood banks.  As we headed to the hospital, we were told by others that they didn't need anymore blood.  I'll spare the details why.  They announced that they were closing all the bridges and tunnels going in and out of NYC.  We half joked... great... we're stranded on this island...

The next day we woke up to a smoky sky with a burning smell in the air.  Classes were still on.  We talked about it.  We discussed it.  We debated it.  Interfaith prayer vigils were scheduled.  Tents went up where donations of food and clothing articles popped up.  A memorial was held on campus for CU alumni who perished - so many grads, some old, some young... some that had just graduated months earlier.

At the time, I was working with a couple of youth-led / youth empowerment organizations. The UN General Assembly was having a Special Session on Children later that month that I was supposed to report on as a youth correspondent.  That was postponed due to 9/11 but we knew we needed to pull together a global youth response to what just happened.  A video conference meeting with youths from around the world was quickly thrown together where we shared openly about our reactions and feelings on what had just happened.  Feelings of sadness and real anger (harsh virtual punches) came out on that call, but we, a group of teenagers and slightly older, were able to work through that in a relatively mature manner as we listened to each other and put ourselves in each others' shoes. I thought... if only the global leaders could have conversations like this and learn to listen to each other and work together... what would our world look like?  (I'm happy to see that this is starting to happen and I'm praying that the recent Middle East talks move in a positive way... I am a nerd... I rushed home from NYC one day so that I could watch the live news briefing of Pres Obama and Middle East leaders...).  Friends and family were telling us not to use the subways because of potential terrorist threats, but it's hard to live in NYC and avoid the subways.  I remember taking the 7 train to soccer games and staring at the gaping hole in the NYC skyline. I remember hearing sirens (a common occurrence in NYC before 9/11) and fighter planes in the sky, holding my breath hoping everything would be alright.  I wanted to flee NYC.  I left that spring to study abroad in China... where news is so filtered that everything sounds wonderful and the world seems to have no problems (okay, an extreme statement but you get the point...).

I had written an article in 2001 for another org's blog.  I was reminded of it today and just posted it on my blog: http://tamstergk1.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2001-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&updated-max=2002-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&max-results=1.  Got some negative reactions and positive encouragement in response to that article in '01, but it's what was on my mind then...

Anyhow on this anniversary of 9/11, I want to honor those that lost their lives that day. The day will never be forgotten. Your lives will never be forgotten.  

Separation Anxiety, Learning is Hard, Marriage!

So it's been a bit over a month since India, and it's been a time full of joy and excitement; frustrating, stress-ridden, not-at-peace moments; living and learning, and sadness and homesickness.

Why sadness and homesickness?
My parents left for China last week... my dad took a short job opp there, and less than one week after returning from my brother's wedding, they were off to China.  I'm super excited for them. I think it will be a fun, new, and fresh opportunity.  I hope and pray it stretches them outside of their comfort zone, which I think they (and myself as well) are too comfortable.  It's funny hearing them talk to their friends about having culture shock, given that they are real legit Chinese after all, but it's a reality.  China is a whole new ball park.  They grew up in Taiwan which is very different from mainland China, and even if they were in Taiwan now they'd have culture shock especially with them having been in the US for 30-40 years or so.  Anyhow, sad and homesickness... well, I am the baby of the house, and I guess I never quite outgrew being a baby. As a 3-4 year old, my dad had to sit through a full year of saturday morning Chinese school - yeah, I was young for the class, but regardless, one's parent should not have to sit through a full year of school.  Then whenever I started a new school, I'd cry my eyes out... this proceeded to continue... girl scout camping trip, summer sleepover camps (that I would beg my parents to let me go to), when my brother left for college and i had to stay by myself at a friend's house, in HS my summer at Brown U (cried the whole car ride up even though I was the one who wanted to go), college moving in (i was a disaster), when my parents left after visiting me during my study abroad program, moving to hartford for work (secretly after they left), and well... now... as they were leaving and dropping them off at the airport...  the tears started flowing, the lips pouted and the words "don't leave me".. "i don't want you go to"... came out.  gosh what is wrong with me..  i realize i'm ridiculous but it's just so out of my control.  i try to hide it for however long i can but at some point it just can't hold itself in anymore.  so annoying!  i really am excited for them, but clearly the tears just don't tell that story.  anyhow, it's sad not having them here, although we skype/gchat every day so i suppose it's not too different.

Why frustrating, stress-ridden, not-at-peace moments... living and learning...?
After my return from India, I've just been running around all over the place, from NY for work stuff, to Vancouver for my brother's wedding, to NJ to help wrap things up with my parents, to Philly where my life is... anyhow, the list of things to do was getting longer and longer, and I was still trying to process my experience in India.  I miss India dearly. I miss the people... my family in India... I miss the children... I miss them all.  It was indeed an amazing experience, but it was also difficult.  God is still teaching me.. about India... about His heart for the poor... about leadership... about relationships... about love... about me.  It's hard to learn... it's hard to discern truth... it's easy to say "whatever, so be it" and hard to say "grow me, teach me." At points I felt broken... I didn't know why I felt certain ways... I didn't know how to make the feelings go away... I didn't know how to make it all better.  I wanted to give up - strangely that is the easier route in a worldly sense.  But He's assured me that He is at work and has brought me to this place to teach me who He is. He's filling me back up with His joy again.  He's reminding me of His love and His sacrifice for me.  I felt like I was choking, but I'm learning again what freedom means, and what it meant to live in His freedom.  What peace and joy there is in that... despite all the stuff life on this earth entails... there is true freedom.

Why time of joy and excitement?

The bride & groom's siblings MC team 

My brother got married!  Yay!  Finally!  hehe... The wedding was in Vancouver, where my sister-in-law is from.  Lots of stuff to take care but I was happy to to support them... building the slideshow (and putting a date wrong in the slides... literally finishing it up the day of wedding!), helping with whatever, and MC'ing the reception.  Her bro and I MC'ed in English, Cantonese, and Mandarin.  I must say that we were a hit!!!  although not intentionally... simply because our Chinese is not so good... people were laughing... at our expense.  but it was really fun nonetheless.  So for example, we were telling folks that if they had not picked up their name card/seating assignment, to go pick up their card outside... well in my broken chinese i said: "if you haven't picked up your BUSINESS card, go outside".  no please, no thank you, just go outside.  :)   Anyways...lots of other entertaining remarks, again, by accident... (my dad described that there were lots of ups and downs and i translated that literally and directly from chinese into english... "there were up up down down").  Besides the ET factor, it was a really fun time seeing old friends and family (including my dad's awesome elementary school teacher who is just... amazing... I'll share about her another time because it warrants a full post on her alone), and getting to know more of my sis-in-law's family.... and seeing her two cute adorable dogs as well.  Super cute!  Vancouver is an awesome city too. Some of my brother's old HS friends who I hadn't seen since I was in middle school/HS was so surprised to see me all made up in a dress... the image of me frozen in her mind is that of a kid/teenager in soccer shorts and a t-shirt.  I guess things haven't changed that much... I still opt for that, but my mother would have hurt me if I showed up in that at my bro's wedding.  Anyhow twas lots of fun.

Alright, that's the quick, but lengthy update.