sharing a coke with grandpa

my gpa loved pizza and coke/pepsi... he called this bubbly fizzy drink 'pepsi-tang'.. 'tang' in chinese is soup.. so literal translation: "pepsi soup".  my parents told me to pour some of the coke on the ground so he could 'drink' some... which i found a bit odd but i did as they suggested.

i don't know... i relaly have a hard time at graves... call me heartless but i really struggle with the idea that i must go to the grave site to talk to my grandpa.  i miss him... dont get me wrong.. we were buddies as long as i can remember... we had a very special relationship and seeing him go was probably one of the saddest days of my life... even visiting his grave this time with my parents and gma was super sad for me... geez it seemed like it was more sad for me than for all of them... perhaps because i have probably buried my emotions about him... well, let's face it... i just get emotional about family easily... 

so first my gma says some words to gpa, then my dad, then my mom, and then they all say, tammy you say some things too...  my response... "uh... not with y'all standing here"... so they walk towards the car, i'm dripping tears... and i honestly have no idea what to say... why do i have such a hard time speaking to a headstone?  why am i lost for words... why can't i speak to him like he's right there?  why am i self-conscious about the fact that i'm crying and my family knows it... why?

yeye (what i used to call my gpa)... i miss you... i love you... and i can't wait to see you one day in heaven.  i know your mind and memory will be restored. we'll reminesce and talk about the many memories we had... we'll ride the exercise bike together and you'll push me on and say "jia you". please take care of goldie... miss her a lot too... 

lessons on bravery at the mountaintop

ok it's been awhile.. i have a bunch of back posting to do which i'll try to do over the next few weeks, but in the meantime, didn't want to lose this story from today.

earlier today my mom was commenting how 'brave'（勇敢）I've become (in reference to me living in the us while my rents and bro r now in china for much of the year.. if one can even call that brave..low standards for me in our fam)... she added a reminder of how I was such a baby (thx mom).. yep i was that kid who would cry to go home early from girl scout camp and cry at the payphone at soccer camp... yes we used payphones back then... but then was totally surprised at her reasoning... she said: "it must have been skiing." (at this point i have no clue where she is going with this). "you know when you went down that mtn the first time" (ok i was like 7.. and i've only heard this story in the context of mockery.. and i don't think my mom was even there to witness this... but apparently she was told the whole story in detail!). "at first you stood at the top of the mountain (ok, it was a hill in NJ but looked huge at the time) and stood there crying (my brother and dad were at the bottom of this tiny hill before they realized i was still standing at the top...), but then you went down (well my dad came back up to get me and i had no choice.. i had to get down somehow).. and so was the start of my love for skiing and mountains... and apparently... my 'bravery'... (although to call someone brave for being an independent adult whose parents live far away seems quite undeserving of the characteristic of 'brave'... the chinese word is perhaps a bit more fitting but... not really...).  oh well... i'll take it for what it's worth.