grandmom and grandpop

my grandparents just left... well, they're at the airport getting ready to go.. back to taiwan... possibly for good. i just spoke with both of them and i have to admit, i'm quite sad about it. i don't like to think about it, but it did cross my mind that today could have been the last time... anyways, prolly and hopefully not ...

they've been in the US, watching the family grow up forever... i don't know when exactly, but they've been living here since i was a baby. The only babysitter I ever had, that I can remember at least, was my grandpa. He walked my bro and I to school everyday when we lived in NY, made ramen noodles for lunch when I came home from 1/2 day kindergarten.... we used to ride the exercise bike together - i'm not sure how we managed to do that together - but anyways.. now that I think about it, that just might be where the inner drive and determination (for certain things at least) in me began to develop. he used to always say "jia you," which literally translates to "add oil" to keep us working hard and keeping the pedals moving...

i always had a special relationship with them, especially my grandpa... now with alzheimers, i'm still the only person, outside of grandma, that he has a clear recollection of. gramps and gramm had 4 boys, who decided to keep the family tradition up by having more boys.. then i was born and the world became a better place - just kidding. there is now another girl who came later, but she's in taiwan. so naturally, i was the spoiled one that emerged in the family.. the little princess who is and forever will be grandpa's little girl. if there's a problem - which more often then not there is, at least in gramps mind - if I were asked to be the mediator, gramps would listen to me and everything would be alright...(it may sound cool, but it's tough work... especially recently with alzheimers added unto his stubbornness... my poor grandma... all i can say is patience and love).

my grandma's also quite the woman... she is, what can i say.. the typical grandma... loving, always preps good food for us... i don't know how she does everything... she's been so depressed lately. i've had conversations with her sobbing and stressed with gramps attitude and going back to taiwan... crazy stuff...

so basically, the main reason they're heading to taiwan is for my grandma to have a knee replacement, but while they are there, they will be checking out some "facilities." grandpa's expecting to come back here, as this is where he calls home; but i think grandma realizes that that might not happen... she kind of feels like she's getting booted away from us. anyways... complicated stories... issues... of course i'd like them to come back here, but i think taiwan will be good for them. hopefully my grandma will be able to have more of her own life there, instead of constantly being a slave to grandpa... i guess we'll see what happens.

so i'm realizing that i mostly only write in my xanga when i'm sad or stressed about something... and i will work on providing some more postiive updates on what's been going on in my life. but for some reason, writing here, for example right now.... has made me feel better. kind of soothing and relieving to get all the tears into words.

promise.. the next entry i provide will be positive.. when i'm not sad.... cuz things have been busy, but relatively good. till next time....

homesick?

at what age does homesickness become inappropriate? most people grow out of it like when.. 10.. max 18 when you hit freshman year? yeah... i guess i just have major issues.

so after a stressful last week in philly.. closing up projects.. or attempting to close up.. cleaning up my mess... i somehow packed up all of my stuff at home, and "penske"'ed it up with mom and dad to connecticut this weekend. freakin tiring carrying all them boxes and couches and mattresses... i have to say it was pretty lonely after my parents left. it's not like in college where you have roomates or where there are plenty of people all around you.. after helping me unpack a bit and assembling some furniture, they left,and there i was... no internet (still no internet.. i've been forcing panera down my throat every dinner cuz they have free wifi.. sad existence..:) )... 1 tv channel... lots of boxes... and an apartment.

yesterday, day 1, was pretty good... uneventful.. to no surprise, i had no computer or phone... i think i just have bad luck cuz that happened last year too.. today was a little rough. i don't know.. i really miss the people i was working with.. the assignments... the respect.. knowing what's going on and all... it's hard to start over again.. it's also really hard because there are 3 other pdp's in my group (most departments have 1 max). it's nice having peers around you, however, there's this underlying silent competitiveness.. which am not very comfortable being a part of. i love competition, but i don't like this style/method of competition.. whatever you want to call is.. starting over is rough... getting to know people isn't easy... working with peers a the same level is tough.. i feel like we're working on our pdp group projects again.

anyways, on a more positive note... frank's wedding was awesome.. lots of fun and fellowship. can't believe the boy's married.. craziness....

Completing Year 1 as an "Adult"

exactly one more week at my current position.. i'm going to miss the people i work with... oh well... hartford will be a new and hopefully exciting place to start over... start fresh.

last night i swung by the opening reception/dinner for the incoming class of pdp's. i can't believe it's been a year.. exactly one year tomorrow (8/4).. that i've been in the real adult working world. stinks.. getting old...

so my brother's girlfriend... oh.. i mean FIANCE! stayed over this weekend. they both start b-school tomorrow at Wharton. i leave philly and they hit philly.. we always seem to miss each other. anyways, i think... yeah, i'm not really on top of things... they got engaged sometime while she was working in hk and my bro was in shanghai.. i'm not really sure. anyways, i think i'm in denial. but anyhow, this weekend at church, the pastor walked by and said hello to me, so i intro'ed my bro.. and he intro'ed her as his fiance... then he intro'ed her the same way to tony.. very odd... i guess i'll get used to it. she's cool. it's kind of fun because now i have a partner in crime to gang up against him... i may always lose the arguments, but she always wins.. good person to be on side with. :)

so i'm not 100% sure i'll be able to ski this winter.. but i got this thing in the mail today.. the "all for one ski pass." basically it's a season pass to killington, mount snow, sugarloaf, sunday river, pico, and attitash.. starting at $349. that's not a bad deal considering lift tickets nowadays cost like 60 bucks a pop or so... i think the 349 one has some blackout dates.. mainly the holidays, but you can use the pass on weekends.. anyone interested? we need to purchase by 8/30. let me know.. boarding's less straining on the knee right?... so long as the falling is controlled.. hehe..

teaching...coaching...business???

it feels so good to be done with this group project.. we were offsite for our 3rd development session.. spent days and nights preparing for our final presentation to company executives... and now... all i can say is.. what a relief! so glad to be done. our presentation went pretty well.. pretty pleased with my opening piece too. got to utilize some of the skills learned in that public speaking course i took at columbia...

i hate events like these because it always motivates me and excites me about my job and the program i'm in. just last week i was so set on teaching, coaching.. working with kids.. and now.. back to my state of confusion... gotta get tight with big papa for some clarification. amazing how easily swayed i am...

so after my long week, i came home from work on friday and drove to new brunswick for the last day of victory soccer camp's inner city camp. great fun! the kids were awesome. i even played... very gingerly in an informal 4 v 4 match... but did play nonetheless with the kids and coaches. it felt so great to be jogging around.. tapping the ball around... best part though was the playing w/ kids part.

oh.. and after the kids were gone and all.. i was offered a hs coaching job. man.. i was like.. uh... wow.. umm... what the heck do i do now!!!

well, i have committed myself to hartford for the year.. learn and grow a bit there.. and then we'll see from there where God wants me to be... teaching.. coaching... back to business.. we'll see.. but as for now, hartford here i come.. the director who offered the job did say the permanent coaching position would probably still be open for another year... we'll see what happens.

time for bed.. night.

bum knee and a bum real world...

i really enjoy working with kids and coaching... so meaningful.

anyways, so this retarded knee of mine is... well.. retarded. i've been warned several times by pt people and doc that i cannot play yet cuz i could blow it out again.. losing other structures... well, . how much longer does "yet" mean? i get frustrated at the medical world for not letting me play and for not giving me a specific timeframe for when i could be back playing, but then at the same time, i understand that this is a wait and see, time will only tell, injury... time will only tell if i can compensate for the lost with other structures.. but the impatient side of me sees that time as lost time. if in the end i'll have to get surgery, then i'd rather just get the surgery now, and then begin the 8-9 month recovery instead of waiting another month (already been out for 3 months!), finding out i need it, and then making this dumb injury and recovery into a more than year long deal...

but of course, if i don't need the surgery, then that would be best of course... 9 months vs. 4-5 months... plus, i really would like to take advantage of the soccer and coaches in hartford area while i'm there for the year... if surgery, then no soccer, no frequent skiing/boarding trips... basically hartford would suck.

brother's a pain too... seems like my parents and bro want me to look more into this surgery option... they don't think i've done my research or asked around enough? i hate people trying to run my life. he accused me of being too proud for not telling my family the truth about my injury. yeah it's true that when they ask, "does it hurt," i always respond with a "no." but it sure isn't due to pride. i hate telling my family about my booboos cuz they always make a big deal about it. i can't stand the nagging and the "does it hurt?", "are you okay?", "stop playing soccer". i never could stand that.. since i was a kid, i never complained about that kind of stuff to them... never cuz i was too proud to admit that i was hurting...

whatever...

finally handed in our paper for our group project at work... a whopping 81 pages.. lots of late nights, sorry.. endless nights.. but all done now. we have our 3rd development session next week, ending with our presentation of the project to the top execs of the organization. can't wait for this thing to be over... i've had enough of this.. actually, i've had enough of work in general. this real world thing is really not cool...

college with even less sleep

wow.. now i'm really feeling like i'm in college... only worse.. cuz i have to wake up at the crack of dawn.. or rather.. in not even a couple hours. well, i did have a nice weekend chilling with some aweseom people i studied abroad with... but guess now i'm suffering the consequences... work.. weekend of no sleep.. and now, even less sleep...

guess i'll just load up on the caffeine...

just like college... waiting till the last minute.

i feel like i'm in college again.. we have these dumb annoying group projects.. just finished working on our white paper, for now at least.. weird, deja vu of workgin on that seminar paper...

night.

blue collars and white collars

so my normal 1:15 drive to philly took 3.5 hours today... it took about 2.5 hours to inch along less than 5 miles...

oh, so I was asked to mentor an intern who was part of program called WorkReady... gives hs/college kids an opp to explore future careers. pretty funny that i had an intern and was asked to mentor him since i myself could use some mentoring. so my manager and i were scrounging around, pleading.. yes, literally pleading co-workers for simple busywork to give this guy... (i got my first lesson on pleading...live from my manager herself).

so anyways, he doesn't show up on Monday and we're all wondering where this kid is.. then I find out that he's not going to be able to work with us because he's juggling two other jobs.. pretty crazy. i spent some time getting to know the kid and realized just how spoiled i am. i asked what he wanted to get out of the internship and his response was: "well, this is a white collar building right?" and i sat there and seriously had to think about this question... i knew what he meant, but never thought in those terms, and did not know how to respond. gives you a much different perspective on society... and on youreslf... although i think the real reason why he quit is that we bored him by what we do... oops. anyhow, so he only worked for me for 4 hours, and then that was it! well, i seem to have failed at this mentoring thing... such a failure... hope it doesn't go on my permanent record... i must say, it is a relief to both my manager and i to not have to worry about finding/pleading people for things this kid could do.... don't get me wrong.. i think this is a great program, but it's just bad timing.. my manager and i were given 2 days notice... things are crazy for me, and having someone else to worry about is just too much to think about.

help me hear you

it's so frustrating.. i've demonstrated that i'm quite capable everywhere except for in my own family. no one in my fam trusts me with the decisions i have to make for my own life. mom, dad, bro.. they're always right.. me.. in their eyes, i'm always wrong. i want to grow up, but i can't because my life is run by my family. yeah, in the end it's my decision, but i do respect them. why should i feel bad for selecting my own path.. or in this situation, just an apt?? why do i almost always fall back on what they insist upon?? i'm sick and tired of having these losing arguments...

worked at victory soccer camp on monday and tuesday... it's so awesome to coach kids in a sport that God has really blessed me with... despite the bum leg and all... and have the freedom and the encouragement to share the gospel with these kids... what an awesome privelige and opportunity... that's what it's all about... loving and sharing the good news... really made me want to fast forward this potential career switch.... teaching perhaps...

took a quick trip to hartford to visit my future office and colleagues, then checked out a couple of apts.. the job sounds pretty cool... my direct manager is the chief strategy officer so that's pretty cool. pretty nice guy... should be a busy year...

anyways, i'm tired and a bit frustrated... so... i'm going to go out and kick a ball around despite the messed up knee. i'm tired of sitting around.. so i'm choosing sanity over pain. thanks.. and please don't tell me i should be careful with the knee because quite frankly... i'm kind of tired of everyone telling what i should do with my life.. too much outside noise distracting the one and only voice that I must hear and obey.. my big daddy upstairs...

PCC Retreat

This weekend was GREAT!! God is soo good... I really needed to be in God's house and family... though i'm no clearer on where God wants me to be, I'm a lot more at peace, knowing that He will open and close the doors for me in His time. my prayer is that I will be a living sacrifice for God, making the most of the opportunities He places me in... even if it's seemingly no fun and painful..aka.. sitting behind a desk.. He never said it'd be easy... I pray for patience in dealing with individuals, perseverance to keep close to His word, and a heart to pour His love out of...

I really need God's perseverance to make it through this summer glorifying God in all that I do, especially at work. just one day at work after coming back from retreat, I already feel spiritually weakened. I feel like I have seniorities again... having an offer for my next rotation, plus the fact that it's summer (and summer in my heart and mind is still fun and games) just sets the correct mood and environment.

^"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:5-7. I want to be able to tell God one day that I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

So at physical therapy today, after being laughed at for having a "peg leg," I got my first walking lesson since... let's see.. since I was 1?? boy, did I feel silly... well, hopefully i'll be walking normal in no time.. maybe even better than i did before!

just call me hoppity

so i'm now known as "gimp," "gimppity," and as my manager puts it, "hoppity." can't you just feel how excited i am by my new found fame? anyways, hopefully just one more week of this brace...

i ate soo much this weekend. i guess i come out of every weekend saying the same thing, but i really ate a lot this past one. and now it's really bad because i, believe it or not, have not participated in any form of physical activity for the past.. almost what 6 weeks??? craziness.. i did hit the driving range this weekend with the fam... one thing i can do with a huge brace one. well, perhaps if i hit the ball properly, i would not be able to do it with a stiff leg, but hey, i don't really know what i'm doing anyways. but still, i definitely would not define that as physical activity, at least not in my dictionary of terms.

i spent the weekend eating and chillin with the grandrents, aunt, uncle, and cousins. what a blast! it's always good to see family and see what's going on in our oh, so exciting lives. anyways, if you're interested, check out my very talented artist cousin's website. www.fayku.com

enjoy.. laters..

running His race... discipline and patience...

So my elementary/middle/high school friend got married this weekend. was lots of fun.. would've been funner if I could dance on 2 feet. Pretty crazy though.. we've been friends since 2nd grade... we were in brownies and girl scouts together, played soccer, the list could go on forever, so i'll spare you. I'll scan in some pics after i get her wedding photos back.

People say weddings are joyous.. and the tears you shed are tears of joy. I don't know though. At my wedding, I'd probably be shedding tears of sadness... it's sad.. your parents are giving you away to be with someone else. yeah, you'll still see family and all, but it's weird. I don't know... I'm sure those tears of sadness will turn into joy when I'm ready... gotta find a man first I suppose.

I went to watch the team I was going to play on get killed by the Central Jersey Wildcats. No surprise I suppose.. the Wildcats have a few National Team players, some international stars... Despite the fact that my team's keeper was getting killed, goal after goal, I just wanted to be out there soo badly.

I don't know what my deal is... not being able to play is really affecting work and everything. Running around really was my method of venting frustration... that's what made me happy. All I thought about today at work was how I want to coach kids at Victory Soccer Camp and how I want to teach and yeah... I'm so confused... I guess I gotta be patient. Perhaps God did this so that I would be forced to find my happiness in Him... in His word.... Discipline and patience... determination and endurance... run His race... not mine...

should i be worried?

I'm getting a little worried... In regards to PCL tears... mixed reviews.. . some say you can deal without it... but then these other articles scare me! "Unfortunately, in such cases (severe) there is no cure and running must cease permanently. If the instability is mild, running can continue but with the caveat that the instability will result in wear on the joint albeit more slowly and that this will frequently shorten a running career." praying that my case is not the above described!

and i don't know why i'm so self-conscious about this brace. i'm slowly getting over it, but yeah.. i've got issues... i wore it more or less the whole day today though!

Anyhow, so we got our job rotations and I'm pretty happy about my position. I will be working in Hartford (location doesn't seem so hot, but I guess at least I'm close to princessvince :)... hehe..), in the Strategy and Business Development group. The job itself seems pretty neat, so I guess that should stir some excitement...eventually... We don't rotate until mid-August, so still plenty of time to cause some trouble in Philly...

Going to visit the grandrents in DC this weekend.. taking my cuz out for a graduation dinner, bringing the grandrents back to our new pad... then good ole memorial day church picnics! Have a good one!

out for the season...

sucks.. no soccer for me for a long while.. i'm screwed.. i can't last more than a day without touching a ball.. or without running from place to place..

got my mri results today.. ruptured pcl.. i'm glad it's not the acl, although i'm not sure how i got to the pcl without getting the acl.. whatevers..anyways, bad side is that pcl's harder to reconstruct and not always successful.. good side is hopefully, or prayerfully i won't need to get surgery (of course that's also dependent on me wearing this dumb brace...and taking care of the knee.. which i am not quite fond of doing). yeah.. so my doc threw me in this huge, bulky, completely straight 180 degree brace for 4 weeks!! yeah.. i'm sure that's really going to happen... i mean, part of me says to wear it so that it can get better and so i can play sooner.. but most of me is saying, this sucks.. it's ugly, it's a pain, it's extremely inconvenient, it's hot.. and screw it.. we'll see what happens.. if you have any advice on how to get my pants over this thing, please tell me... i could do the skirt, but the brace is so long that half the brace would be hanging out... i be looking real stupid..

anyways, we find out our next rotations on friday... hartford, philly, or ft. wayne, usa here i come!

china fun, soccer bum...

China was mad fun... I so did not want to come back to the real world..

Anyhow, it was quite stressful until about day 3 of the trip. The Friday before i left, i was at work until 1am.. fun stuff.. then proceeded to my apt. to move more stuff out and pack up the rest... after I arrived in Beijing, I had to select my top 7 choices for my next job rotation, and type up all this crap about them... yeah.. forgot to take into account that accessing certain url's from China is often not as easy as it is here... hehe.. slight problem.. oh well, it all ended up alright. but China was awesome!!

1st stop: Beijing... it was nice to be back in the polluted, dusty and dirty capital of China. I went to practice with the university softball team that I was a member of... brought back nice memories. we had an alumni vs. students scrimmage.. and we won of course.. hehe.. I was a little worried that I'd forgotten how to play... after all, the last time I hit a ball or caught one was probably when I was playing for that team in China.. I guess I got lucky with a double.. pop fly the 2nd batting.. and of course the trip would not be complete without a biking down the streets of beijing, rubbing up against dirty xiali cars (which are not being manufactured anymore by the way... replaced by some anhui car which looks quite nice actually)... anyhow, grace, her bro, and i rode down to the temple of heaven...twas quite fun.

then off to shanghai, dropped my crap off at my bro.'s apt.. which is ridiculously nice... in american standards!! spoiled child... had ribsat tony roma's with my uncle on business from taiwan... then headed to the 15 hour train ride to Huangshan.. translated yellow mountains i guess.. it's the really pretty ones that you see in all the chinese paintings.. it's really, really nice there, but the hike up and down.. is ridiculously difficult. we were dead tired, sore for a good week after that.

then another 15 hour train ride back to shanghai.. spent some time there just hanging out.. getting to know the city.. met up with some old church friends.. lyndon, rossana, jeremy, hannah.. didn't see the baby though.. they seem to be having quite a time there.. chilling with the bigwigs and all.. fun stuff.
then, to hong kong. first time there for me. now that place is fun.. i only wish i could understand the language and speak it! it's a cool, fun city, with pretty mountains and surrounding waters nearby as well.. i had authentic dimsum, which to be honest was good, but not anything outstandingly better than what we can get in chinatown... walked around teh city a bit, had afternoon tea in some bay.. very nice btw., and went for a boat cruise... went wakeboarding, swam to shore, played some version of touch football on the beach... quite a nice time.. had some good bonding time with my bro's gf too.. that was good. one major annoyance.. everywhere i went, i was reminded of how much i look like my brother... argh...

anywyas, back to the real world i guess.. i got back last sunday, was back at work on monday morning. surprisingly and thankfully not too jetlagged... had my first full week of commuting last week.. not too bad i guess.. so far at least.

was a little stressed about these soccer tryouts held this past weekend cuz minus the hike up huangshan, all i did the past 2 weeks was eat and sleep... geez.. haven't had to tryout for soccer since who knows when...anyhow, so i go to the tryout... doing well... 30 minutes into the tryout, i go and slide-tackle this girl for the ball..., collide with the girl.. and somehow mess up my knee.. sucks.. anyways, i'm not sure what this means.. i wanted to play in this league so badly... but it's doubtful now.. i was going to go watch practice today, but ended up getting horribly lost... ended up near the shore somehow.. frustrated, found the turnpike and headed home. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.. maybe God doesn't want me to commit myself to this team this year.. i don't know.. whatever... learning to let go.. there are always other opportunities i guess.. and there's always next year..
gotta finish up some other work for our group project.. presenting some crap to each other tomorrow.. then we have our cocktail networking party and interviews tomorrow and friday for our next job rotation.. definitely quite ill-prepared.. oh well.. whatever.. not sure what to do with my life anyways.. would love to go back to chian.. or find a job that i woudl be able to travel to china frequently.. any connections anyone?

i quit (adult life)

if this is what adult life is like, i quit...

i don't know how to deal with difficult people, and quite frankly, i'm tired of it. i give up... but then parents step in and pull me back into the game... i can't handle my own life.. yes, i'm getting stepped on... it's obvious... everyone except the one knows it.. i could play _'s game and do what __ done to me, but what would that do? just make me feel guilty, and plus, __ wouldn't even see __ own reflection through my actions... how do you love and care and yet not be stepped on?

finally this weekend, i think my dad started seeing the bigger picture.. it was interesting because he compared what i was going through to what JC had to go through... saying that what I'm going through might hurt and I might lose some stuff, but it's miniscule compared to what JC had to go through.. that was pretty cool... finally.. this was the first time that i felt like someone who has a major influence on my actions, understood...now the main problem is that my mom has not quite reached that understanding yet. this stupid situation is pulling apart my life and my parent's now! i'm sure it will pass soon.. hope so at least.

a few more days until i can just relax and not think about anything.. i cannot wait to get on that airplane to china... i cannot wait to sit there, motionless, eat airplane food, sleep, watch movies... for a full 10+ hours...

praying i can make it to sunday in one piece... work is stress... my love for food is evidenced by my constant eating at my desk.. you know there's a problem when i, out of all people, don't have time for lunch, and then don't have time to eat until 830... we also finally got the job listings for our next rotation. not too thrilled by any, but that's alright. i don't really know what i want to do anyways...i was already called to the program head to discuss my thoughts on the rotations.. how do i get pulled into this stuff??? somehow have to sort through all of those listings and select my top choices before I leave... now that would be in addition to closing up the other work i have to finish, packing up my entire apartment... yep yep.. it was decided that i would move out by 5/1... i return from china on 5/2, so basically i'm screwed. packing everything up tonight (and those of you who have seen my room before.. yeah, well, it's worse than you've last seen), bringing some stuff home tomorrow.. fit work in between, go shopping for presents for fam and friends in china, get a dress for my manager's wedding, get her present... yeah.. more or less screwed...

whatever, like i said... if this is what adult life is going to be like, i quit. i've just about had enough.

learning to love...

Learning to love when the world's reaction is hate is quite a challenge indeed... but what a pleasure it is to suffer and learn how to love... and what a pain too.. :)

We had our 2nd development session all last week.. I thought it would be nice to get out of work for a few days, but man, did I wish I was back at work.. group projects, difficult people..rather, difficult person.. opinions stated, voices raised.. i'm really starting to think i have a lack of people management skills. i never had these problems before.. so weird!!! unlucky perhaps??? or rather, i think i've just lived a very sheltered life..

I went to my first bridal shower this weekend.. and boy, did I learn a lot about showers and weddings!! My friend Karen who I went to school from 2nd through 12th grade is getting married in June, and yes, she's my age... craziness.. these kind of events really age us.. you can't help but feel old when your friends are getting married and entering the "true adult" stage of life... it was a lot of fun catching up with friends, and parents of friends who I grew up with... parents who used to drive us around to soccer everyday.. ah the good 'ole days.

anyways, so i have less than 2 weeks to figure out what i'm going to do about my living situation, move out and in or stay, figure out what i'm going to wear to my boss' wedding, figure out who if anyone to bring, do my taxes, book hotels and plane tickets, finish up any major projects, get in good soccer shape, tryout.... slightly stressed... oh well, what else is new... but whatever.. after 2 weeks.. i am off to CHINA!!! wish i could stay there more than my vacation days allow...

how to forgive 100%

I think i've come to realize that i have not fully forgiven this person... and that's why i've just been feeling kinda blah.. stressed with all the work i have to do and meaningless stuff... my mom told me this weekend that my teeth grinding is really loud.. didn't even know that i grinded-ground?? my teeth... maybe that's why i've been getting these weird headaches.. weirdness... everything's connected in some form or fashion.. all starts with your spirit... i need to get myself right with God, and I'm gonna need his help to totally forgive...

work is crazy busy.. in addition to all the real work, we had to put together these performance assessments and internal resumes in preparation for our next rotation... and i thought was done putting together resumes... using all that business language...for awhile..

the rents are moving to their new house tomorrow... finally... exciting.. sorta.. actually, more of a pain than anything.

anyways, all i wanna do in life is play soccer and go skiing and boarding. oh, anyone wanna buy my old skis off of me? they're still in good condition.. no bindings.. just skis..

oh.. and Passion.. what a movie... excited for what God's doing with that... praying for miracles...

grace and mercy to forgive and love

so it's been a rough 2 weeks.. haven't felt that much pent up anger in me in a long while... it's definitely been God's grace and mercy that has let me have some peace and patience with what's been going on.. I'm usually pretty chill about things in general. Sometimes things may bother me, but I realize that in the scheme of things, that thing is really just a tiny aspect of life, and oftentimes not worth fretting over. You let go, forgive, and forget. If you feel like you've been wronged, i don't think it's worth holding grudges and arguing over... talk about it, share how you feel, and let it go...

I guess this time, I just had it. I felt like I was always being taken advantage of and stepped on, and quite frankly, was just really quite tired of it. Yeah, it had to do with money issues, but the reality of the situation to me was that I really don't care about the money... it was the principle.. it was the fact that I am the one who always has to give in and sacrifice something in order to please the other. it frustrates me because i really care about this person and want to be a witness to her, but it's just so difficult, especially in this kind of situation. during a conversation we had to talk things out, all i wanted was for her to see my viewpoint without offending her with my truth of how i felt... the fact of the matter is that i cherish friendships and relationships more than i do such trivial financial matters, but it's hard to make that point and not get screwed over financially by someone who could care less about how i felt or how our friendship would hold up. i was worried about how she would react and how she would deal. i wanted to make sure she wouldn't be on a love-hate relationship going forward... and at the end of the conversation, we were on pretty good terms, we were both smiling as we parted, but inside, i hurt so badly. it hurt so much to see her "okay" and at peace with the situation as I walked back to my office and broke down in tears. it just felt like a losing battle. i guess it's hard to put in words... anyways, it's hard to understand now, but i know that God is teaching me something and perhaps even providing me an opportunity to be a witness to this person. we still need to hash things out a bit more, so we'll see what happens. it's just so hard to love sometimes and so easy to complain.... it's also especially hard to see straight, to see how God wants me to react, when friend's around me are more angry about the situation than I am. i think i was more upset than angry... but people around me are telling me that i can't let this happen.. don't get screwed over.. that's enough.. and all that jazz clouding up what God wants me to see...

anyways, found out yesterday that a girl at the church i sort of go to, was murdered. i personally did not know her, but some people i know at the church did know her. pretty crazy.. things like this really puts life back into perspective. the matters that i was worrying about really are just so trivial and not worth wasting God's precious time on. life is short.

as i was reminded the other day, i really need to get my act together and have a nice conversation with the friend i'm having issues with and bring some closure to the situation... closure to how we will handle the financial matter, but more importantly, closure so that i can seek God's love and grace and mercy to help me forgive this person fully, and continue to love her even more. please pray for us and for the family and friends of the girl who was murdered.

one day at a time... work hard, play hard, train hard...

So random... I think I posted a similar entry last spring.. last weekend, I ran into Coach Dre again (HS track coach) at a restaurant.. so random.. i used to run into him all the time, all over the place... slightly odd that it's continued through college and work life!!

Anyways, so because the WUSA crashed, many of the pro players are signing with the league that I played in last summer... apparently Brandi Chastain has already signed with some CA team.. pretty cool, except that my team for some reason is not playing in that league this year.. and there don't seem to be any other teams close by... sucks..

i'm kinda bummed cuz i spoke with a coach of a jersey team in a sister league to the one i played in, and he wants to see me play and compete for the position, but then he continues to say that i would be competing against a girl who played with the u21 national team. great, thanks, i'll just take a seat on the bench and go home crying...

i guess there are 2 options to take.. give up, which i've never quite been good at; or fight for the position... but is it worth the time and effort, and is it worth being the underdog the whole way through the fight? i don't know. at this rate, i've got no chance... believe it or not, today was the 1st time i stepped in my gym since probably november.. yeah, since i hurt my leg... my main form of exercise was walking to the fridge and grabbing food at work, and playing soccer once a week.. that kind of shows you where my heart's at.. if i really wanted to play, i would have been training the whole time through...

i often wonder why i want to play so badly.. is it to prove something to my family (coming from a typical asian family that encouraged education a lot more than anything else) that i can succeed in this sport and reach my childhood dreams that have constantly been greatly discouraged?? or is to prove something to myself... i really don't know anymore. am i still dreaming and setting myself up for failure?? i feel that God has something in store for me in this line of business... playing on the Peking U. softball team really let me see the gifts that God has graciously given me, and well, i see those gifts carrying over onto the soccer field with the members of a soccer team...

i'm confused.. clearly.. haha.. nothing new i guess.. yeah, i could just play for fun, but i'm never happy just "playing for fun.." i tried that this past fall... i guess i really need to keep the focus on the big man. in the end, it's ultimately about Him, not me or my childhood dreams or whatever... i guess i'll just try to focus on one day at a time.. work hard, play hard, train hard and not worry about what happens this summer.. what happens happens.. easier said than accept...

getting late...

confused

We had this National Sales Conference last week right in Philly. I thought I'd have a nice break by attending the conference, as things before the conference were really crazy as we got together all of our materials for a presentation we were giving (compliance is mad strict nowadays), but man, those sales people sure can party! Mike Egruzione (is that how you spell his name??), the US captain of the 1980 Olympic hockey champions, opened up our event with a great talk on teamwork... then we had this other speaker who was AMAZING to close the conference... apparently one of the top motivational speakers in the world or US?? (i guess they have competitions or something).. anyways, he was real good... spoke on the topic: "attitude is everything"... bringing people to tears and all.. wow. if you weren't motivated after that, well.. don't know what would. so clear that he was a Christian... the way he spoke, the language he used... wish you could've heard him.. real good..

the sales conference was great, except that it confused me even more! after the conference, you couldn't help but want to work for my company. i'm definitely excited for the co., as i think we're going to have a great year, but if you had asked me a week prior to the conf., you totally would have heard me saying.. "i don't know.. work is alright.. not sure what i want to do.. kind of want to go to china... teach, play soccer...," and leaning towards that direction, now, well, i may be leaning in the opposite direction. eek!

To make things worse, I got the privilege to help out with 2nd round recruiting yesterday and today...bad idea (but great too). It was really neat to be on the other end of the process, talking and actually interviewing people, and picking and voting on who I felt was a good fit for the program (quite a harsh process i must say). It was a great experience though, but really weird because it was me exactly one year ago, sitting in that same hotel room, having the same cocktail party at the same place... very odd.. met a few columbia kids too! There's definitely some impressive people in that crew, so I'm excited, especially since my overall top pick will be getting an offer for my position in my business unit! Hope he accepts!

Now I just have to figure out where the heck I want to go next year... hopefully not Indiana, but as I've been saying for the past 2 days... (i've basically brainwashed myself into believing that any location will be great cuz it's only 1 year), it won't be that bad. I'm not sure if the motivational speaker got to me, and now all of a sudden i have this overly positive attitude towards the work that i do, or if i've just sold myself and the program so much the past 2 days to recruits or what.. but I've successfuly convinced myself, and hopefully the recruits, that lincoln is great and the pdp program is awesome...well.. anyways, i guess i've just confused myself even more on what to do with my life.. i'll probably be around lincoln. it's hard to separate yourself now.. after telling the whole world that you love it and all. i really wish i could just take 1 year off to explore a bit, see if there's something else out there, separate from the financial services industry, that i'm more suited for.. well, i guess we'll see.

Anyways, i am exhausted and desperately need to catch up on sleep.. so goodnight!

PHS's famed Studio Band director, 'Dr. B,' dies

We may have complained about the endless sectionals and practices and "going down the line" sitting in utter fear, but I definitely appreciated and will continue to appreciate his passion for music and the drive he instilled in us to be the best of the best. Thanks for the incredible music education you gave us all, Gunga Din, and my red lobster. PHS's famed Studio Band director, 'Dr. B,' dies

By: Jeff Milgram , Staff Writer 12/30/2003

	Staff photo by Frank Wojciechowski Anthony J. Biancosino conducts the Studio Band in a concert given in his honor in 2002.

A teacher who inspired students to take up careers in music.

Anthony J. Biancosino, the director of Princeton High School's award-winning Studio Band who lost a battle against cancer Saturday, was remembered Monday as a teacher who inspired students to take up careers in music.
"His impact was huge," Princeton Regional Board of Education President Charlotte Bialek said Monday.
Known as "Dr. B" to students, parents and staff members, Dr. Biancosino, 57, was a music teacher for 35 years, 26 of which were in Princeton.
He was an inspiring teacher to "thousands of students," Ms. Bialek said.
"Many of them went off to careers in music. He was an incredibly inspiring teacher," she said.
The best known may be John Popper, the leader of Blues Traveler, who has said that his success in the music industry is due to Dr. Biancosino's mentoring.
"Obviously, we are all saddened by the news, even though we knew he was ill and had undergone surgery," Superintendent Claire Sheff Kohn said Monday. "He had such an incredible love of life and enthusiasm. ... He'll be a great loss."
Dr. Biancosino conducted his last concert with the Studio Band in June, when he announced he would retire. He had been on leave while battling colon cancer, but had returned sporadically to conduct the jazz band, which had played at two presidential inaugural balls.
In 2002, Down Beat magazine, the Bible of American jazz, presented him with an Achievement Award for Jazz Education.
"With the enthusiasm that Tony Biancosino exudes for jazz and its contribution to American musical culture, it's no surprise that ensembles from Princeton High School's music program win first place awards at festivals and get invited to play at presidential inaugural balls," Down Beat said in June 2002.
"He was wonderful and the students really loved him," Ms. Bialek said. She said Dr. Biancosino taught music at PHS at a level typically taught in college.
Dr. Biancosino was the founder and conductor of the American Heritage Wind Ensemble.
Dr. Biancosino's younger brother, Joseph Biancosino-Downey, will be the Studio Band's new conductor.
In April, the Studio Band beat eight other ensembles to be named the best band at the Dunellen High School Invitational Jazz Festival.
"They couldn't have done it any better," Dr. Biancosino said at the time.
At a concert in June 2002, Dr. Biancosino pointed to the Studio Band and said, "I always felt they were an extension of my family ... and that's how I treated them."
Before the June 2002 concert, Dr. Kohn said, "Tony Biancosino is an enthusiastic teacher, band director and person. I feel fortunate to have had him in my career and in my life."
Dr. Biancosino said the school has a duty to teach music and the payoff is what it does to the students. "They give everything," he said of his students. "At the end of the process, their lives are changed."
Trained as a classical musician, Dr. Biancosino told Down Beat, "When I entered teaching, I found a huge void about American music, specifically jazz. Many schools pay lip service — they'll have the ensembles that do jazz in the evenings, but they're not part of the curriculum."
He said if students can do jazz improvisation, "they can do anything." Members of the ensembles learn to apply music history, theory and improvisation to what they're playing.
"It comes right through the ensembles, right through the arrangements we're doing whether it's Count Basie or Les Brown, whatever we're doing," Dr. Biancosino told Down Beat.
And he uses jazz education as a base to teach other music, such as clas- sical symphonic works.
"My philosophy is if you can play a refrigerator, if you tell me you can play one, bring the refrigerator in. I want to hear it. And if you can play it, you're in. There should be no exclusion of any student because of the nature of the instrument. We're here to teach children. Let's give them an education," he told Down Beat.
Former student Peter Winarsky said he learned perseverance, confidence and discipline from Dr. Biancosino. "He really does care about the students more than anybody I've seen," Mr. Winarsky said in June 2002. He was one of about 200 students who belonged to PHS's Meat Club. Dr. Biancosino was the faculty adviser to the club, which held an annual steak dinner.
"He definitely has a great sense of humor," Mr. Winarsky said in 2002. "The humor just shines through. We bust each other's chops, but it's all in fun."

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Another ball drop, another year passed...

My brother and I spent our New Year's eating SPAM... yes, the stuff that comes out of the jar. It was actually surprisingly quite good.. my church friends were having an Iron Chef night (wish i was there to see the chef's at work), using SPAM as the main ingredient. Spam stroganoff, spam sticks, spam stir fry, spam with A-1, oh, spam pizza bagel??, and last but not least, chocolate covered spam... i think i'll lay off the chocolate covered spam in the future. :)

Definitely lots of fun being back with the brothers and sisters that I grew up with. It's really neat to see how much each and every one of us has grown up and matured. I'm so thankful for all of you! Who knows where I would have ended up if it were not for you guys/gals and our youth group and our Friday nights with Joshua's discipleship classes... Wow, how old were we when we started having those? 6th grade? Man, we're old.. anyways, now that we're old, there just never seems to be enough time to catch up and reminesce on our past...

New Year's resolution: QTs in the morning (please keep me accountable to that), & get my lazy behind to the gym!

Have a good one!

Does PowerPoint make us stupid? Tuesday, December 30, 2003 Posted: 10:42 AM EST (1542 GMT)

Yeah, technically it's not right to take things out of context... but I just couldn't resist using the headline. After spending all day at work powerpointing away, I can't help but wonder... is powerpoint making me stupid???