so it's been a rough 2 weeks.. haven't felt that much pent up anger in me in a long while... it's definitely been God's grace and mercy that has let me have some peace and patience with what's been going on.. I'm usually pretty chill about things in general. Sometimes things may bother me, but I realize that in the scheme of things, that thing is really just a tiny aspect of life, and oftentimes not worth fretting over. You let go, forgive, and forget. If you feel like you've been wronged, i don't think it's worth holding grudges and arguing over... talk about it, share how you feel, and let it go...
I guess this time, I just had it. I felt like I was always being taken advantage of and stepped on, and quite frankly, was just really quite tired of it. Yeah, it had to do with money issues, but the reality of the situation to me was that I really don't care about the money... it was the principle.. it was the fact that I am the one who always has to give in and sacrifice something in order to please the other. it frustrates me because i really care about this person and want to be a witness to her, but it's just so difficult, especially in this kind of situation. during a conversation we had to talk things out, all i wanted was for her to see my viewpoint without offending her with my truth of how i felt... the fact of the matter is that i cherish friendships and relationships more than i do such trivial financial matters, but it's hard to make that point and not get screwed over financially by someone who could care less about how i felt or how our friendship would hold up. i was worried about how she would react and how she would deal. i wanted to make sure she wouldn't be on a love-hate relationship going forward... and at the end of the conversation, we were on pretty good terms, we were both smiling as we parted, but inside, i hurt so badly. it hurt so much to see her "okay" and at peace with the situation as I walked back to my office and broke down in tears. it just felt like a losing battle. i guess it's hard to put in words... anyways, it's hard to understand now, but i know that God is teaching me something and perhaps even providing me an opportunity to be a witness to this person. we still need to hash things out a bit more, so we'll see what happens. it's just so hard to love sometimes and so easy to complain.... it's also especially hard to see straight, to see how God wants me to react, when friend's around me are more angry about the situation than I am. i think i was more upset than angry... but people around me are telling me that i can't let this happen.. don't get screwed over.. that's enough.. and all that jazz clouding up what God wants me to see...
anyways, found out yesterday that a girl at the church i sort of go to, was murdered. i personally did not know her, but some people i know at the church did know her. pretty crazy.. things like this really puts life back into perspective. the matters that i was worrying about really are just so trivial and not worth wasting God's precious time on. life is short.
as i was reminded the other day, i really need to get my act together and have a nice conversation with the friend i'm having issues with and bring some closure to the situation... closure to how we will handle the financial matter, but more importantly, closure so that i can seek God's love and grace and mercy to help me forgive this person fully, and continue to love her even more. please pray for us and for the family and friends of the girl who was murdered.
