I give you my life???

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  I suppose this is often the case, but the past couple of weeks in particular have been challenging because it involved commitment, decisions, and deadlines.  It's been especially hard because there is just so much uncertainty in my life right now.  It's hard for me to make a commitment to something, even something I believe in and hits at the core of my heart, when other things in my life are in flux.  The other thing in my life is my job - the organization I am building.

So often, I think about how much easier it would be to go back to a regular job at a company... other times I think about going back to school... other times I think about moving to my parents house and figuring things out there, where it would be free to live, no Philly city tax... but I'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere.  If any of those options were to prevail, then I could not feasibly commit to this decision I had to make which is around a leadership position at my Church.  Everything about the role is stuff that my heart breaks about - but did I really have to commit to it?  Can't I just help out? What if I need to move?  What if life leads elsewhere?

So anyhow, I've been in this wrestling match with Him on whether or not to accept the potential opportunity or not. As the deadline approached this week, I was torn up.  I felt sick, anxious, stressed...  in my desire to follow Him, I feared making the wrong decision.... and as I prayed and mulled over this to feeling ill... I realized that my fear was not so much the wrong decision, but a fear of fully entrusting my life to Him.  Was I really doing His will?  Was I really willing to give it ALL up to Him and let him take control? Was I?  Verbally I said yes, but deep down, did I really, really really believe it?  Probably not...

After I quit my job in February, my prayer was that He would take control - that I would be forced to depend on Him fully for everything, for my every day's needs, for the vision of EdGE, for my life.  I've been so lucky to have that consulting project that provided some income, but now that that's wrapped up, my natural instinct is to figure out, okay, what's next??? ... and broker it myself... because... well, sometimes its hard to not take control of your life.  That's how our culture works.  That's how I've been raised.  Those "reality" questions are the ones I face from my parents all the time.  I want to trust Him fully but in the back of my mind I can't help but doubt.  What is EdGE - is this really what I should be doing?  His answer was "yes" to that as He totally allowed me to locate my incorporation papers that I had misplaced but needed for some application.  I happened to be carrying a box of old files upstairs and a folder was open with the incorporation paper sitting inside right in my eyes' view.  That could not be random - there is no reason why it should have been in that box and there is no reason why I would have normally looked at that box and there is no explanation for that folder to be slightly open with that paper in it.  Ok, so that's pretty clear...

As I pleaded with him the other night to help me know where He wanted me, I "randomly" flipped through His book and landed, once again "randomly" to some chapters and verses that just happened to have had special meaning to me in the past... He once again affirmed that He knows... He is there... it's okay. He filled me with His joy and laughter and sweetness as He touched my heart with His words that needed to read and hear... starting with a chapter on "do not be anxious"... and ending with one of my favorite verses... Luke 12: 48 -- "... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."  That was it - that sealed the deal.  I knew where He wanted me.

I finally feel at peace about EdGE and the decision.  I'll admit I'm still a bit overwhelmed with things, but I'm learning to trust Him, day by day, each moment at a time.  A song He's got in my heart now by Sidewalk Prophets...

If I saw You on the street / And You said come and follow me / But I had to give up everything / All I once held dear and all of my dreams / Would I love You enough to let go / Or would my love run dry / When You asked for my life.

When did love become unmoving? / When did love become unconsuming? / Forgetting what the world has told me / Father of love, You can have me / You can have me.

If You’re all You claim to be / Then I’m not losing anything / So I will crawl upon my knees / Just to know the joy of suffering / I will love You enough to let go / Lord, I give you my life / I give you my life

......I want to be where You are / I’m running into Your arms / And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart.

Working with people you trust

I just wrapped up a 6-month consulting engagement with a large insurance company as it spun off its global operation, merged and integrated with another global company.  The gig more or less landed in my lap - actually when they asked if I would help, I thought; "no, I didn't quit my corporate job to go right back into corporate."  But as I thought and prayed about it, the project seemed it might be interesting, and there may be opportunity to pursue, or at least learn and leverage that knowledge as I continue to build up my organization.  Here's why.

With any merger and integration, there are people issues.  And where there are people issues is exactly the space I want to play in.  The concept behind EdGE is indeed about people engagement.  Yes, my goal is to get people and companies and schools and groups to engage in socially responsible work and activities, but I believe that in order for that to happen in a meaningful, impactful, and sustainable way, it first requires people to be engaged in what they already do and where they already spend the majority of their time and energy.  People need to see the value they can bring to their organization or company - people need to understand that and derive value from that to drive their motivation in continuing in his or her daily work.  Only when people understand who they are and how they fit into their work or their activities, can people truly build a lasting and mutually meaningful and valuable relationship with the local or global community he or she may desire to impact.

So, did I succeed?  Well, at the end, I did not get to do as much in pushing the CSR agenda - there was just too much uncertainty and cynicism that needed to be allayed first.  I played more of an internal communications strategy role, as we developed frameworks and strategies and tactics to best communicate to our global community of employees who had been on a crazy roller-coaster ride the past couple years with the economy, and who needed some "TLC" through the continued uncertainty.  It was a neat perspective to gain working with a global operation, effectively communicating not only across different personalities, but different cultures and attitudes and global dynamics.  

Despite my inability to push towards CSR, it reminded me of the philosophy behind EdGE.  Pushing CSR at a time when people are uncertain about whether they will have a job in a few months is not effective.  There are levels of comfort that people all need to have before they can participate effectively in anything, whether that be in their family, their job, their activities, or their communities.  You can't push an agenda down someone's throat - you need to address their needs and frame the agenda in a way that does address those needs.  Right now, the 12,000+ employees we were focused on needed their basic needs addressed - they needed to know what was going on with the merger and integration, they needed to know what was changing for them, they needed to know if they would have a job.  Since we didn't know who would have a job or not, we had to focus on getting them relevant information and updates on what was going on in a manner that they would respond to.  So, that's what we did.  Now that the deal is closed, they'll have to focus on tactically executing on the integration plans and bringing together the people from both organizations.  Once people have a better idea of what they are doing, what role they play on their team, how they work with the people they work with, etc., only after that is clear can you successfully get the discussion rolling around CSR.  Let's face it - people are selfish.  People want to know what's in it for them.  So I guess back to my original question on whether I succeeded or not - well, we did what we could, and I think we did a decent job.  I had hoped I'd get more CSR play in, but also went in knowing it might be a hard pitch to sell.  I didn't, but I did learn from the experience, which was part of my personal agenda, and I also had privilege of working with and getting to know some great people... people whom I considered colleagues but now as family.

I couldn't help but feel sad as I was getting ready to leave and say my goodbyes today.  Tears actually welled up a bit - gosh I've really got some separation anxiety issues... but truly these are people who I've come to really love and care for.  They are my friends, my mentors, my family, and I'm sad that I won't see them and interact with them both professionally or personally on a weekly basis.  This was indeed a tiring project, running to NYC weekly, sometimes more than once per week, and also Delaware this past month; but nonetheless I realize over and over again how important the people you surround yourself with that helps you stay engaged and interested through those tiring and frustrating moments.  Sometimes its those same people that you come to love who are causing the frustration, yet still, there is that desire to push through and drive for the success of the team.

I've been so fortunate to have worked with some really great people.  I'll add to my growing family of colleagues and mentors through this experience.  And I remind myself how important it is to work with good people... people who believe in you and trust you.. people who you believe in and who you can trust in as well.