I give you my life???

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  I suppose this is often the case, but the past couple of weeks in particular have been challenging because it involved commitment, decisions, and deadlines.  It's been especially hard because there is just so much uncertainty in my life right now.  It's hard for me to make a commitment to something, even something I believe in and hits at the core of my heart, when other things in my life are in flux.  The other thing in my life is my job - the organization I am building.

So often, I think about how much easier it would be to go back to a regular job at a company... other times I think about going back to school... other times I think about moving to my parents house and figuring things out there, where it would be free to live, no Philly city tax... but I'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere.  If any of those options were to prevail, then I could not feasibly commit to this decision I had to make which is around a leadership position at my Church.  Everything about the role is stuff that my heart breaks about - but did I really have to commit to it?  Can't I just help out? What if I need to move?  What if life leads elsewhere?

So anyhow, I've been in this wrestling match with Him on whether or not to accept the potential opportunity or not. As the deadline approached this week, I was torn up.  I felt sick, anxious, stressed...  in my desire to follow Him, I feared making the wrong decision.... and as I prayed and mulled over this to feeling ill... I realized that my fear was not so much the wrong decision, but a fear of fully entrusting my life to Him.  Was I really doing His will?  Was I really willing to give it ALL up to Him and let him take control? Was I?  Verbally I said yes, but deep down, did I really, really really believe it?  Probably not...

After I quit my job in February, my prayer was that He would take control - that I would be forced to depend on Him fully for everything, for my every day's needs, for the vision of EdGE, for my life.  I've been so lucky to have that consulting project that provided some income, but now that that's wrapped up, my natural instinct is to figure out, okay, what's next??? ... and broker it myself... because... well, sometimes its hard to not take control of your life.  That's how our culture works.  That's how I've been raised.  Those "reality" questions are the ones I face from my parents all the time.  I want to trust Him fully but in the back of my mind I can't help but doubt.  What is EdGE - is this really what I should be doing?  His answer was "yes" to that as He totally allowed me to locate my incorporation papers that I had misplaced but needed for some application.  I happened to be carrying a box of old files upstairs and a folder was open with the incorporation paper sitting inside right in my eyes' view.  That could not be random - there is no reason why it should have been in that box and there is no reason why I would have normally looked at that box and there is no explanation for that folder to be slightly open with that paper in it.  Ok, so that's pretty clear...

As I pleaded with him the other night to help me know where He wanted me, I "randomly" flipped through His book and landed, once again "randomly" to some chapters and verses that just happened to have had special meaning to me in the past... He once again affirmed that He knows... He is there... it's okay. He filled me with His joy and laughter and sweetness as He touched my heart with His words that needed to read and hear... starting with a chapter on "do not be anxious"... and ending with one of my favorite verses... Luke 12: 48 -- "... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."  That was it - that sealed the deal.  I knew where He wanted me.

I finally feel at peace about EdGE and the decision.  I'll admit I'm still a bit overwhelmed with things, but I'm learning to trust Him, day by day, each moment at a time.  A song He's got in my heart now by Sidewalk Prophets...

If I saw You on the street / And You said come and follow me / But I had to give up everything / All I once held dear and all of my dreams / Would I love You enough to let go / Or would my love run dry / When You asked for my life.

When did love become unmoving? / When did love become unconsuming? / Forgetting what the world has told me / Father of love, You can have me / You can have me.

If You’re all You claim to be / Then I’m not losing anything / So I will crawl upon my knees / Just to know the joy of suffering / I will love You enough to let go / Lord, I give you my life / I give you my life

......I want to be where You are / I’m running into Your arms / And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart.