saying goodbye to gramps

India was good but challenging, as always.  God was and is so good.  It was challenging this year for a different reason.  A very personal reason.  While I was in India, I learned my grandpa was in the hospital.  At first, I was told he was doing fine, and that I should pray for my gma who was also admitted for another reason, but to a different hospital.  Then, a couple days later, another email... a string of emails that I struggled to understand and had to read carefully the timestamps.  He's gone.

So here I am, attempting to lead this team, dealing with the death of my grandfather, and not sure what is going on inside my head.  Why does my heart feel like a rock?  I should be upset.  Am I failing to realize what has happened?  Am I in denial that my grandpa has just died and my grandmother is devastated and my mom and her siblings are mourning and stressed with taking care of 'business'?  I had flashbacks to when my other grandpa passed away a few years back.  I was always closer to that grandfather and when I found out, I was at work - I sort of kept it together, but that hit me hard.  Why wasn't I as affected by this news of my other gpa's death?  What was going on? I remember feeling guilty for not feeling sad.  Perhaps I just covered up the emotions with the work that needed to get done ahead of us.  Perhaps, and I think the bigger thing... distance really made a difference. Being far away made it almost seem like nothing had happened.  Okay, I guess I was in denial after all.

Fast forward.  I was so thankful that God allowed me to attend my gpa's funeral, be with my family, and celebrate his life together.  He died early in my trip to India. The funeral was not until a few weeks later, not because of me but for other reasons.  It was quite an interesting experience...the whole funeral process in Taiwan.  I mean, I’m not an expert on how funerals work. I’ve only really been more closely involved when my other gpa passed away, but that was in the US and he was buried as opposed to being cremated.  so many things... 

I learned more about my gpa and his military feats.  I knew he was senior in the military but it was neat to hear and see the respect he was given by the military there. I was fascinated and horrified all at the same time with the cremation process.  I mean, literally, from celebrating his life, we wheel my gpa right into the crematorium where we see his coffin go into the vault where all that stuff happens.  then we wait upstairs in this cafeteria like place, drink some coffee/sodas, eat some snacks as if nothing is happening just below... we wait there until they call our name.  we are led into a small room where... in order of age, we are to each pick up one of the many smashed larger bone of my gpa with these super long and large chopsticks from the metal tray and place it in the urn where his ashes are.  As of just being this close to the bones and ashes of my gpa was not traumatizing enough... as I wait my turn in the family line-up, I am stressed knowing that my chopsticks skills are awful... God please help me.  we all participate, then my cousin, the oldest male Ku must carry the urn to a counter where we do some ceremonial thing, and then the next day we took my gpa's urn up to this mountain where veterans are buried, like an Arlington of sorts.  Because Taipei lacks space, all bodies are cremated. 

At this beautiful site on the mountain, first of all the van taking us up the mountain gets hit by a car... so we have to wait for a new car to come... finally we get up there. we bring my gpa up to his 'cubby' - looks almost like a library with rows and rows and stacks and stacks of what looks almost like lockers where the urn is kept.  After all that... we head back down the mountain, have a meal together... comfort my gma... that is always the hardest and continues to be so... pray for my gma, for my aunts and uncles. pray for salvation for my uncles especially. God bring this family together.  

My gpa was anti-church and Christianity for most of his life.  We would drag him there but it was always nap time for him.  But a couple years ago, when his legs were being amputated and his health declining, God opened His heart and He accepted Christ into his life and was baptized on the hospital bed. I thank God for that assurance of his faith.  As much as it stinks to lose people, knowing especially that He was suffering so much and was just miserable these past couple years, I know He is in a much better place now and I thank God for that. I hope my gma can find peace in that but she's struggling still. 

the day after the funeral and burial, my gma's 90+ year old cousin stayed for a few days with her - a girls sleepover - to comfort her and be with her.  Oh man I was scared for the helper lady... I mean I have to admit it was really cute that she would come to stay. when my gma's cousin's father passed away, my gma went to stay with her cousin to comfort her. My gma was 16 then and her cousin 20.  Now, my gma is 87 and her 91 year old cousin insisted she must come and stay with her to comfort. it was cute to see them chatting, having lunch, taking a nap, reminiscing their childhood and war times, and have a sleepover together. It was sweet to see a smile on my Gma's face and to witness these 2 girlfriends physically frail, emotionally connected, enjoying each other's company.