sharing a coke with grandpa

my gpa loved pizza and coke/pepsi... he called this bubbly fizzy drink 'pepsi-tang'.. 'tang' in chinese is soup.. so literal translation: "pepsi soup".  my parents told me to pour some of the coke on the ground so he could 'drink' some... which i found a bit odd but i did as they suggested.

i don't know... i relaly have a hard time at graves... call me heartless but i really struggle with the idea that i must go to the grave site to talk to my grandpa.  i miss him... dont get me wrong.. we were buddies as long as i can remember... we had a very special relationship and seeing him go was probably one of the saddest days of my life... even visiting his grave this time with my parents and gma was super sad for me... geez it seemed like it was more sad for me than for all of them... perhaps because i have probably buried my emotions about him... well, let's face it... i just get emotional about family easily... 

so first my gma says some words to gpa, then my dad, then my mom, and then they all say, tammy you say some things too...  my response... "uh... not with y'all standing here"... so they walk towards the car, i'm dripping tears... and i honestly have no idea what to say... why do i have such a hard time speaking to a headstone?  why am i lost for words... why can't i speak to him like he's right there?  why am i self-conscious about the fact that i'm crying and my family knows it... why?

yeye (what i used to call my gpa)... i miss you... i love you... and i can't wait to see you one day in heaven.  i know your mind and memory will be restored. we'll reminesce and talk about the many memories we had... we'll ride the exercise bike together and you'll push me on and say "jia you". please take care of goldie... miss her a lot too...