untangling to freedom

as i sit and think about what is going on inside of my mind and heart, i can't just help but feel angry and tired. well the anger has dissipated in the form of tears that couldn't hold back earlier... and it's not that i'm angry at anyone because really, if there was anyone to blame it would be myself, for letting things pile on top of each other and simply not having the energy to handle it.

my schedule has just been no fun the past couple months. sometimes i just want to do what i want to do, selfish stuff and all.  i don't want to have to justify and explain... i feel like i'm constantly saying 'i'm sorry' to people because i can't do this, can't participate in that, i have to change their schedules for mine, i'm late for something, or can't deliver something on time, or whatever... i'm kind of tired of feeling and saying sorry for my excusable and inexcusable actions. i'm sorry for being sorry??

how do you place a value on people... on relationships... how can you weigh the value of that? how can you say one set of people are more important than the other? sure, one may have more lasting impacts but does that mean the immediate relationships that could be impacted in the short-term are less important and less valuable?

This song pops on while I write this..
"Freedom reigns in this place, showers of Mercy and Grace. Falling on every face, there is freedom. If your tired and thirsty, there is freedom. If your tired and thirsty, there is freedom. Give your all to Jesus. There is freedom. Give your all to Jesus, there is freedom."


Freedom - because we have it, it gives us choice, which is a blessing yet can complicate things. true freedom is in Christ... if only I would give it all to Him... when we are tired and thirsty, there is freedom... yes, there is... and that's exactly what i want. i don't want to feel tied down and tangled in a schedule of this and thats... commitments here and there... i just want to be committed to Him... and in that I know there is freedom. if only it were so easy... but it should be... if i only i could obey.. if only i could fully trust... if only i could just be 220% sold out for Him..