I really hate being associated with this term. I realize I’m the only one to blame for
having created this image of myself simply by the nature of the field I was in
and the work that continues to today. But it’s like no matter how hard I try to get rid of
that image, the old image is always impressed on the minds of those close to
me. Even if I count the number of
times I’ve actually pulled out my laptop among friends out of just the total
number of times I’ve just simply hung out – whether that’s shopping, eating,
whatever – the percentage has gone down significantly. Not that I actually measure it but it
is something that I am sensitive to, so when I hear a comment that negates tbe
efforts, naturally I want to justify by looking back at the past few
months. And my conclusion based on
my unscientific evaluation is that it is difficult to erase a negative image
that’s become ingrained in the minds of those close to you, even if your
behavior has changed, or is trying to change. I wish they could see the efforts I take to not be the
person who’s always working… even if that means working all night after
chillaxing with friends to catch up.
I know that’s not what they want either, but what am I to do? It will just pile on top. I know I haven't been present much the past few months so I'm trying - trying to be present as much as I can. I want to be with friends. I really do. But there are times that some multitasking and sometimes not "being there" mentally all the time will take place. Maybe it's better to just not be there then. I don't know...
I guess I wish for some grace in just letting me be. I’m
tired of having to justify. i'm tired of the comments even if it may be in care. I wish they could
understand. starting a biz is difficult… if it were not for His leading, I would not have gone this route.. I wish they understood the
pressure and stress it entails. in the stages i went through last year, there was no end to the work. it was a build stage. and teh longer it takes to build, the longer i wait until business comes. yes, i have flexibility in schedule, but i need to be disciplined to move things forward. It
took nearly a year to get my brand identity together, and even with that, it’s
not great, but sufficient enough.
a year of spinning... a year of
brainstorming, most of the time to myself.. a year of scribbling, writing, drawing,
and mostly deleting and rewording in very minor ways… to create a short 2-3 page
document. The results don’t look like much but yes it took all that time. its frustrating the time and effort it takes to create this. I
don’t enjoy it, but I wish they could just understand that the
longer it takes to get “this” together… get the business going… the longer it
is before any income comes in. unfortunately that means there are meetings, calls, time that i literally can't afford to not take. if this is where God has led me, then it is a question of stewardship. am i stewarding the time, His time, wisely. most likely not but i must try, even if that means saying no to things i would rather do.
I
am human and need breaks… I waste time on facebook, reading news, emails, online window shopping, all of it... I've got other things and respnosibilities outside of work but it often all blends together. There are certain lives that I’m investing in that take time… that take
energy… that take away time for others who I am perhaps closer to… I’m tired of
feeling like I need to justify my life, my actions, my schedule to people. I’m tired of living for others and
trying to please them… I’m tired of feeling guilty for not spending quality
time with people.. I’m tired of it… because I realize no matter how much I try to spend quality time, I
guess it seems that it goes unnoticed anyways. It’s easier to give up. Why try, especially once the impression is stuck, I give up…
I know it, I just need to not feel bad about it... in fact I should feel super proud of it...because He's worthy and the best to follow. He's worth giving every ounce of energy, every second of time. I live for Him… I seek His priorities… push forward where
He leads.. but i want community too...
okay... enough mental vomitting... venting...
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