McD's for Ian

I was in NYC today where I knew it would be “easy” to spot people with needs as they would most likely just come up to me. But twice I failed. I had compassion, but that compassion did not overflow into action. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I get the words out to tell the homeless singing trio to hold on so that I could reach into my bag and fumble for some money. Was I fearful of the stares and thoughts of the other passengers crowded into the subway car with me? Whatever the reason, I sat in the crowded seat clutching tightly to my backpack trying not to disturb the people seated around me. Then, another man panhandled his way over through our subway car, and again, I failed to take action. Compassion I felt, but feelings that don’t turn into action results in nothing. I was so ashamed – ashamed because of the commitment I had made for Lent, but also because this concept of helping people turn compassion into action is what I am striving to do with my company, and yet I could not even let that compassion overflow. I can think of plenty of reasons to justify why I did not, but the reality is that excuses don't result in forward progress - the reality is that I failed.

Later in the day, I stopped into McDs to grab a quick bite and use their wifi to figure out how I was going to make my way home to Philly. As I wandered in, the line delineation was not very clear so I asked a lady and a man if they were in line. The lady said yes, the man, Ian, just kind of shrugged and smiled. I sensed something was wrong. I asked Ian if I could get him something to eat, and he politely refused. I pushed a little more, being sensitive to not be too pushy, but in my mind, I could not sort through why he was just standing there staring at the menu not be in line, and refuse the offer for food. He finally said “small coffee”. I said okay and pressed again to see if he wanted food. He said no, then finally “small fries”. Ok fine, so I got Ian that and then added a chicken sandwich to his order. After conversing with him and giving him his food, I saw the store manager approach him, shooing him out the door.

I thought maybe I should have invited him to sit down to eat at a table instead of just handing him the bag of food. In college my friend and I would befriend homeless people and invite them to dine with us; but I guess being a girl there by myself, I’m a little more hesitant to do that nowadays. Sometimes it’s hard to find that right balance and feel content with how we love people – loving with care but with wisdom and common sense.

Then... I made my way to Penn Station to catch the NJT to Trenton. Community group was meeting in South Jersey today, so instead of taking the Septa from Trenton to Philly and then Patco'ing back to South Jersey, I thought I might attempt the Riverline which stays in NJ, and catch the Patco from there. It was a much cheaper option, and from a geographic standpoint made sense. Well, the nice lady sitting next time was concerned for my life apparently. She didn't think it was smart for me to transfer trains in Camden, and gave me strict tips to follow upon disembarking from the train for my transfer. She was pretty sure I'd get robbed or something... how reassuring. I was thankful for the fear she instilled in me, and for the wise tips as I made it just fine to the Patco and then onto my community group. I mean, it's not like I had on anything fancy - just my usual jeans, hoodie, and backpack, but I guess the Asian outside of me made me stick out like a sore thumb... she said... "you look like you don't belong, and others will know that and will take advantage of you... take your phone... take your bag..." Made me think how challenging it would be to live incarnationally in certain communities just because of the color of my skin. But then again, we are to live incarnationally in this world...