That's the big question that's been stirring my heart and mind lately... to the point of making me sick to my stomach. I feel that God's really challenging my heart and mind to step out in faith. Yes, I'm nervous about going to India right now with all that's happened. Yes, it absolutely pains my heart to know that my family is seriously concerned about me going there now and would rather me not go now. I guess for the past 20 or so years of my life, I've successfully, or at least felt confident about the decisions I've made for myself... confident enough to somehow persuade my parents into agreeing that "my way" made some logical sense and was for the betterment of my future. I'm not sure if one calls that "finagling" or simply... "charm"... (being the only girl on one side of heavily boy side made that easier too). okay, okay, probably more of a spoiled brat syndrome or something in the middle of that spectrum.
Anyhow, this struggle between living by faith and living practically... living the easy and comfortable way is difficult. I mean, I don't think the two ends are necessarily contradictory, but, well, they sort of are. At the least, living by faith means trusting in my loving creator who loved me so much, that he would be willing to let his son die so that i could ultimately live. Living by faith means relying on Him and knowing and truly believing that what he has planned for me is so much greater than what i could even try to work hard to accomplish on my own. If I truly believe, then i've got to stop just paying lip-service to him, but to depend on him. And right now, this trip to India, it took this horrible terrorist act to remind me that I must rely on him... that i must truly depend on him for wisdom, direction, and strength. He is in control. I am not.
I do feel that going right now to India is what he wants me to do. The timing of my original plans not working out with my bum knee, to opening up this opportunity with Jane in India, and the connections he's provided both seemingly random and through friends of friends, gives me pretty strong conviction that this is where he wants me to be right now.
...taking a step of faith, and learning to trust...help me know confidently this is where you are leading... free me from this angst inside... give my family, my friends, and myself understanding and peace about me going... and help me be excited about this journey again.
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