The journey has begun!

We collected so much stuff for the kids – I just have no idea how we’re going to get it all to the orphanage in India! I guess that’s a good concern to have, but nonetheless, I’m confident we will get it there somehow. Hopefully by the time this posts, I will have successfully made it through customs with my ginormous duffel bag of presents for the kids and staff and a large box of donated goods for the kids.

I’m very confused as to what day or time it is. All I know is that I left on Wednesday night from Newark and arrived in London the next day around 9:30AM… I took the tube down to Piccadilly Circus in downtown London to meet up with Mallika and Jacqueline, my StartingBloc buddies. We had a blast roaming around London, eating yummy food and wandering through museums! It was so good to see them and catch up.

I’m really glad I had those 12 hours in London – it meant a lot to be back in London, the source of the inspiration for a vision trip to India. It was 2 summers ago at the 2007 StartingBloc Global Institute for Social Innovation at LBS that Jacqueline, Vinay, and I agreed it was time to stop talking and discussing the issues to death, but to start acting … fond memories of that conference. Ah memories... next to me is Jacqueline and in the middle is Mallika.

What is faith?

That's the big question that's been stirring my heart and mind lately... to the point of making me sick to my stomach. I feel that God's really challenging my heart and mind to step out in faith. Yes, I'm nervous about going to India right now with all that's happened. Yes, it absolutely pains my heart to know that my family is seriously concerned about me going there now and would rather me not go now. I guess for the past 20 or so years of my life, I've successfully, or at least felt confident about the decisions I've made for myself... confident enough to somehow persuade my parents into agreeing that "my way" made some logical sense and was for the betterment of my future. I'm not sure if one calls that "finagling" or simply... "charm"... (being the only girl on one side of heavily boy side made that easier too). okay, okay, probably more of a spoiled brat syndrome or something in the middle of that spectrum.

Anyhow, this struggle between living by faith and living practically... living the easy and comfortable way is difficult. I mean, I don't think the two ends are necessarily contradictory, but, well, they sort of are. At the least, living by faith means trusting in my loving creator who loved me so much, that he would be willing to let his son die so that i could ultimately live. Living by faith means relying on Him and knowing and truly believing that what he has planned for me is so much greater than what i could even try to work hard to accomplish on my own. If I truly believe, then i've got to stop just paying lip-service to him, but to depend on him. And right now, this trip to India, it took this horrible terrorist act to remind me that I must rely on him... that i must truly depend on him for wisdom, direction, and strength. He is in control. I am not.

I do feel that going right now to India is what he wants me to do. The timing of my original plans not working out with my bum knee, to opening up this opportunity with Jane in India, and the connections he's provided both seemingly random and through friends of friends, gives me pretty strong conviction that this is where he wants me to be right now.

...taking a step of faith, and learning to trust...help me know confidently this is where you are leading... free me from this angst inside... give my family, my friends, and myself understanding and peace about me going... and help me be excited about this journey again.

Phillippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thanks scho for that verse!

So I'm headed to India in a few days, and I wish I was more excited about it; but the recent terrorist activities in Mumbai are putting somewhat of a damper on my excitement. The big question is... will I go? Friends and family are worried and insist that I reconsider the timing of this trip... I can't say that that has not crossed my mind. I can't even say I'm not worried... but I also believe in a God that understands and sees what is going on. I believe He is in control and it is He who has pieced this trip together for me. I believe in His timing for me to be there.

So to give some history, originally I was planning on going to India this past July with a couple of my StartingBlog Fellows. Those plans were suddenly halted after I injured my knee and the surgery was scheduled. At the time, I did not understand why the knee had to happen and happen then; but in my heart i knew God was teaching me something... a lesson of patience, sitting still... something... all I could do was to trust Him and go with the flow...

Later this summer, Jane gets the call to lead a team to work at an orphanage in delhi. i'm excited for her, but secretly jealous... and then, suddenly, i got a glimpse of God's timing... He opened up the opportunity for me to go - i will be meeting jane there later this week and we will be traveling together through india... meeting different people and organizations that are doing things to help the poor. is it by chance that my trip was delayed and this opportunity opened up? i don't think so.

He knows my heart better than i know mine... It's so amazing to look back and reflect on His timing and His purpose... and where my heart was before and where it needs to be.

Visiting PHS

So last weekend I was wandering around the halls of my high school. My parents are in this super cute chinese chorus group and they are having their annual concert in december at princeton's new performing arts center. so, since i'll be in india during their actual performance, i thought i might trek up there last weekend to watch their dress rehearsal. they are super cute - just imagine a group of asian men and women, ranging in age from upper 30's through 70 maybe?? singing some Chinese songs, some American classics - including Dancing Queen... anyways, while they were practicing, I thought I might wander through the school i have very fond memories of - i loved high school!

so i was walking through the halls, and passed the trophy case wall and a soccer ball happened to catch my eye. i was surprised and excited to see my team's photo in there - we did have one of the best team's in phs history - we made it to the state tournament that year - the first time in like... i think it was 17 years or something. it was the start of more winning seasons to come. brought back some good memories...


(can you pick me out? goalie... only asian... that should give it away!)

The Girl Effect

Check out http://www.girleffect.org

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Proud of America...

Change has come... Since Barack Obama won, I've felt this overwhelming sense of nationalism and patriotism. I am proud of America and I'm proud to be an American - we've really grown up, as a nation, as a people, as citizens of this world. The American dream is an achievable goal.


I went to an event to watch the election results live at World Live Cafe in Philadelphia. With every vote, the crowd cheered and celebrated.


It was also neat to vote in a state that mattered, although in the end, Pennsylvania chose Obama by more than a small margin.



And then after I left World Live Cafe, the streets of Philadelphia went crazy! I ran into a line of Penn students marching down Market Street with signs and a cardboard Barack cutout.

Obama's speech... excellent... amazing... inspiring... I wished I was in that crowd in Chicago... yes, I was tearing up.

Happy times for Philadelphia...and the country...

It's been awhile since my last update. I'll post some catch-up blogs later, but right now, it's time to celebrate! The Phillies won the World Series last week, and this week, tonight, Obama was elected the next President! Partying on the streets of Philadelphia all night long! I've high-fived a lot of random strangers these past couple weeks. The City of Brotherly Love is actually showing some love... a happy Philadelphia... amazing.... love it.

Phillies clinch the NL East Division


...then they win the World Series! I didn't go to that game... but went to celebrate after the game at Dicks Sporting Goods with GWL... where 6 cop cars stood outside as fans barged through the store shopping for World Series Phillies gear past midnight. A much more civilized celebration... vs. the mayhem that occurred on Broad Street.

Then the city celebrated - Phillies Parade on 10.31.08 - Celebration at Citizens Bank Park and Lincoln Financial Field.
...getting there was not so easy...

...but once we were there it was awesome!



...and then Obama was elected President the following week. I'll share some of those pics later.

i am so inadequate yet you use me. i offend you every day yet you love me. it seems i forget who you are at least once every hour, probably more than that yet you never give up. not ready to be your vessel yet you equip and prepare and say you are ready.

i'm so tired. i always feel behind, unprepared and overwhelmed, and lately, just not happy. i want to be joyous and thankful - why is it so difficult? i need you to give me strength, because i can't do this all on my own. give me direction. use me for how you've created me. don't let my logic, attitude, and emotions get in your way.

So I was chatting with my buddy Tomo who is playing in Japan (without me!). Here's a snippet of our conversation - this is how I function at work:

Tomo: how's work? can you do it w/o moving?

Me: uh yeah.. well, i've been wearing soccer shorts and tshirts to work for the past 4 weeks

Tomo: SWEET. hahaha, that's awesome

Me: but i just sit around... but then i go crazy because i hate just sitting around... so then i start gimping around

Tomo: HAHAHA

Me: and then i feel stupid because i don't like being seen in the ghetto outfit and a huge leg brace, so then i sit back down... and i do this over and over again all day

My typical day… hide from people – work at the coffee bar or on the lovesacs or in some random corner on the floor… bathroom break, run into people, explain what happened blahblahblah… go back into hiding. Luckily have not had too many meetings this past month – most have been with folks within my team so that makes it a lot easier and less of me feeling silly. I’m so silly – it’s all in my head…

are you having trouble getting started?

So I started going back to the gym last week - i'm sure it's quite a funny scene as I gimp into a gym with a huge leg brace on and an obvious limp. I thought I might jump on the bike - needed some cardio desperately and plus, it's good to help increase my knee's range of motion. Well, range of motion I definitely got, but cardio was a definite no. So I'm sitting there, trying to get the pedals around - seems simple but it was quite the challenge, and I'm concentrating and avoiding eye contact with people who must be looking at me like I've got major issues or thought I was crazy... a 70-80 year old man sits down on the bike next to me - he couldn't really see my bum knee, but he sure could see that I was struggling. He starts pedaling away, and looks over at me and says: "are you having trouble getting started?" All I could do was smile and sheepishly explain that I hurt my knee as he encouraged me on... just keep trying... you'll get it. Funny, but sad... haha... the good news is that I can now bike more or less like a normal person. Was hoping to try spinning soon, but got the no go on that from the pt.

Oh, and apparently a new phrase has been coined at work. To "pull a tammy" means you neglect the fact that there is something medically wrong with you, pretending that it will go away and refusing to seek or putting off professional medical advice despite clearly needing a medical solution. My boss "pulled a tammy" 2 weeks ago when he was clearly feeling very ill, but waited and pushed through the weekend, downplaying his symptoms. When he went to the doctor on Monday, he sent him right to the hospital. He is thankfully doing great now... and vows never to "pull a tammy" again.

moving to blogger?

so not that i've ever been good at this blogging thing... but i'm gonna try out blogger. not that i have a problem with xanga or anything... just want to try something new. i don't know - i guess i like the idea of having a personal (well, i guess it's not really personal by posting it on the web) journal of major things going on in my life... the thoughts that ran through my confused mind... kind of a "dear diary" or some sorts i suppose. well, maybe i'll get better at blogging, but i make no promises.

thankful but frustrated

It’s hard to describe how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it’s a mixture of sadness, frustration, and thankfulness.

Thankful… I have awesome family and friends who support me and play with me, love me despite my strong-willed desire for independence and stubbornness in asking and accepting help. And I’m thankful that my knee is improving despite the frustration that often takes over because of its temperamental nature – it has its good and bad moments.

Frustrated… I want to be able to do what I want to do – lift my leg without grabbing my ankle with my hands, get dressed without breaking out in a sweat, walk like a normal human, run around, kick a ball, do everything I used to be able to do on my own timing (meaning not have to give myself an extra 10 minutes to hobble from place to place, get myself into a car and out, etc.-let's face it, i'm a true procrastinator). Frustrated because I’ve had to cancel 3 vacations already since I injured the knee, and I just want to be able to do stuff. It’s summer and I want to be able to play… Frustrated because any progress I make in physical therapy always seems to be offset by this painful catching/stuck sensation in my knee that stops me from bending the dang thing. and PT, wow – I have pretty high pain tolerance, but ouch. Frustrated because I feel stupid wearing this stupid, very large (thankful it is shorter than it was the first couple weeks but still large) brace, gimping around in soccer shorts because it’s the easiest attire to get on over the brace. I hate calling attention to myself, and well, this stuff sure ain’t helping. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign that explained what happened and that I just don’t want to talk about it. When people ask how it’s feeling – I just don’t know what to say anymore. Do I tell them its better – I mean, it is compared to where it was – or do I tell them how it really feels and how I really feel – do I even want to open that can of worms? blahblahblah...

Sad… I don’t want to be dragged down by this knee but it’s just so physically and emotionally draining that sometimes I don’t know what to do except be sad. After I come home from work or PT, I am so drained that I all I want to do is lay on my couch or in bed and move nothing except a finger that triggers the remote control. I’m sad because I know there’s so much for me to be thankful for. I trust God that He has my life in control and that He had His reasons for this, and I want to draw closer to Him through this time where I am physically forced to “be still”, but yet it’s so hard. I’m sad because I want Him more, yet I’m having a hard time drawing closer to Him. I think of all the suffering going on in the world – what I am going through is NOTHING compared to that – I know that yet I’m struggling to change my heart and how I’m feeling. I don’t know – I guess that makes me sad… I know how lucky I am and how miniscule my issue is compared to all that’s going on in the world – if only I could refocus on others, I know it would change my heart, but I don’t know why – it’s just so hard right now.

Anyways, I guess I just want to be myself again. I guess I just don’t like being the center of attention whether it’s from others or from me. I like to think and care about others because I believe God’s made me thataway, and that is just really hard right now. I’m in a rut… frustrated, sad, and not thankful enough. Hopefully soon I’ll have a turnaround…

My beautiful knee

Before June 2, 2008... ...4 days later on June 6, 2008


my make-shift bed at my parents house. I was excited to find Carebears on TV on Saturday morning.

2 days post-surgery

so i guess i can start by sharing what's been going on in my life. well, i messed up my knee on april 19 playing flag football, and i just had surgery on monday june 2 to get it fixed up. if i had posted something on sunday, the day before surgery, i would have shared how weird it was to be preparing to not be able to do stuff on my own for awhile. i mean, by sunday, i was able to walk pretty speedily without anyone noticing anything was wrong, and pretty capable of most anything (other than sprinting through chicago o'hare the week earlier on a business trip as i trekked from one of the airport to the other to find myself successfully begging the lady to let me on the plane). and then i spent the weekend buying stuff i might need after i'm gimping along, returning things i wouldn't be able to do for awhile... very strange.

anyways, on monday, my mom and i left my apartment around 5 in the morning and made our way to the surgery place in south philly. i was hoping i wouldn't have to get general anesthesia - i wouldn't have minded watching if i could or hearing the noises going on - but they insisted on knocking me out... so they injected me with some stuff, wheeled me into the operating room, and the next thing i know, i'm vomiting all over myself in recovery. yes, i'm sure it was lovely - good thing i was still pretty out of it to be too embarrassed. i vaguely remember the doc saying: "clean her up". haha... anyhow, surgery went well, and then my mom took me home to my rents' house in jersey.

it's been 2.5 days, and i'm so sick of sitting on my makeshift bed on the living room floor. there's nothing on tv, and netflix doesn't come fast enough when you've got nothing to do but watch videos. i brought home a lot of reading, but really don't feel like doing anything that requires any brain power. all of that power is spent figuring out how to maneuver from bed to toilet to kitchen table back to bed and into this contraption that i strap my leg into to get some motion back. trust me - all of that takes tremendous amounts of energy and brainpower... especially for those with limited brain capacity. anyways, things are going well i suppose.

i'm being kind of antisocial right now i apologize, but thank you for the calls and emails and posts. i'll look forward to catching up soon. i don't know... laying around all day seems to make me more tired, mentally and physically drained.