It’s hard to describe how I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it’s a mixture of sadness, frustration, and thankfulness.
Thankful… I have awesome family and friends who support me and play with me, love me despite my strong-willed desire for independence and stubbornness in asking and accepting help. And I’m thankful that my knee is improving despite the frustration that often takes over because of its temperamental nature – it has its good and bad moments.
Frustrated… I want to be able to do what I want to do – lift my leg without grabbing my ankle with my hands, get dressed without breaking out in a sweat, walk like a normal human, run around, kick a ball, do everything I used to be able to do on my own timing (meaning not have to give myself an extra 10 minutes to hobble from place to place, get myself into a car and out, etc.-let's face it, i'm a true procrastinator). Frustrated because I’ve had to cancel 3 vacations already since I injured the knee, and I just want to be able to do stuff. It’s summer and I want to be able to play… Frustrated because any progress I make in physical therapy always seems to be offset by this painful catching/stuck sensation in my knee that stops me from bending the dang thing. and PT, wow – I have pretty high pain tolerance, but ouch. Frustrated because I feel stupid wearing this stupid, very large (thankful it is shorter than it was the first couple weeks but still large) brace, gimping around in soccer shorts because it’s the easiest attire to get on over the brace. I hate calling attention to myself, and well, this stuff sure ain’t helping. Sometimes I wish I could wear a sign that explained what happened and that I just don’t want to talk about it. When people ask how it’s feeling – I just don’t know what to say anymore. Do I tell them its better – I mean, it is compared to where it was – or do I tell them how it really feels and how I really feel – do I even want to open that can of worms? blahblahblah...
Sad… I don’t want to be dragged down by this knee but it’s just so physically and emotionally draining that sometimes I don’t know what to do except be sad. After I come home from work or PT, I am so drained that I all I want to do is lay on my couch or in bed and move nothing except a finger that triggers the remote control. I’m sad because I know there’s so much for me to be thankful for. I trust God that He has my life in control and that He had His reasons for this, and I want to draw closer to Him through this time where I am physically forced to “be still”, but yet it’s so hard. I’m sad because I want Him more, yet I’m having a hard time drawing closer to Him. I think of all the suffering going on in the world – what I am going through is NOTHING compared to that – I know that yet I’m struggling to change my heart and how I’m feeling. I don’t know – I guess that makes me sad… I know how lucky I am and how miniscule my issue is compared to all that’s going on in the world – if only I could refocus on others, I know it would change my heart, but I don’t know why – it’s just so hard right now.
Anyways, I guess I just want to be myself again. I guess I just don’t like being the center of attention whether it’s from others or from me. I like to think and care about others because I believe God’s made me thataway, and that is just really hard right now. I’m in a rut… frustrated, sad, and not thankful enough. Hopefully soon I’ll have a turnaround…
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