I know I'm only gone a couple weeks but leaving this time
was really hard. I was already feeling a
bit teary eyed leaving the ladies at flag football... but at the same time was
so thankful that God allowed me to be there to fellowship with the newbies and
be reconnected to the oldies! I was also thankful that He in His wisdom would
give me a headache (and put a sista to keep me accountable in my group)
to stop me from exacerbating my already irritated airways. I just like to play - I can't help it. Gosh he knows me so
well-duh. I ran home for a quick shower, finished up the packing and thank God
for my roomie for her help in finishing up the packing job, helping me get the
huge heavy suitcases and myself to 30th street station, and
encouraging me with my favorite snacks and a verse that I really really needed
to hear. As I zipped up the suitcase, I could feel the tears coming – tears of
thankfulness for sisters like my roomie... so thankful that God knows exactly what
we need and when we need it.
Everything in that verse...Joshua 1:9... spoke right to my heart cuz I was feeling anxious,
fearful, inadequate, alone... God’s grace.
I was pretty anxious about getting my 2 heavy wheeled bags
from 30th street station to JFK. Thank God for the Amtrak red cap
porter guy who was so sweet and took my bags down for me! Unfortunately I didn’t have such luck once I
got to Penn Station but nonetheless I found some escalators and elevators that
eventually got me to the LIRR train, then the AirTrain to JFK. My arms were
burning but that’s my fault for letting my arms get to the lame shape they are
in. Along the train ride up to NYC, I got some shut eye,
some emails out, some thinking and some negative thinking and not wanting to
leave, and at that exact time, God turned my head out toward the window and
gave me this beautiful view... and something about that view... just spoke
peace into my heart... His assurance... just trust me... I have good things for
you... God’s grace.
Got to the airport. Bags checked. Passed security. Sat down
at my gate. Called my parents. Spoke to a friend. Texted with others... and
started to get really sad... when I got settled on the plane, the tears started
flowing. I always sit in the aisle seat and this
was a time when I wished I could be on the window so I could hide against
window – there’s no hiding on the aisle!
I have not cried like that on a plane since the time I watched Marley
& Me... bad choice for dog lovers!... although at least when i watched
that, the lights were dimmed!
As I tried to hide myself and wipe away tears with
the airplane blanket (I was desperate.), I found myself asking and processing
why I was feeling homesick already. It's always hard to leave home, leave friends and family, especially when I had just come home just a few weeks ago. I don't know. I like being present - it's kind of important for relationships - and it makes me sad that I am not present, hardly at all at times of the year. But I also know God has me in relationships in other parts of the world - I don't know why - but I know I want to be faithful to Him, and I want to find joy in where He leads and calls... but honestly, right now I am just sad! I also don't feel great physically and while I've been to Bangladesh once with this org, it still feels a bit foreign to me and the work I'll be doing is not all planned out yet (which I know God has grown me so much in trusting Him in that area so...)... but I think a big thing is just that doing this work can be lonely... going alone, working alone, chewing on it alone,...and just having gone with 10 others to India together, sharing that
experience, serving together... and now to go back to India and then to Bangladesh alone... it just
doesn’t feel right. And I know, God is with me, as the verse reminded me, and I know I have so many other close friends walking alongside me in prayer and support. God is tangible. His comfort, His love, His presence is real. I know that. I feel that. But how easily I sometimes forget that. Here we go!
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