bum knee and a bum real world...

i really enjoy working with kids and coaching... so meaningful.

anyways, so this retarded knee of mine is... well.. retarded. i've been warned several times by pt people and doc that i cannot play yet cuz i could blow it out again.. losing other structures... well, . how much longer does "yet" mean? i get frustrated at the medical world for not letting me play and for not giving me a specific timeframe for when i could be back playing, but then at the same time, i understand that this is a wait and see, time will only tell, injury... time will only tell if i can compensate for the lost with other structures.. but the impatient side of me sees that time as lost time. if in the end i'll have to get surgery, then i'd rather just get the surgery now, and then begin the 8-9 month recovery instead of waiting another month (already been out for 3 months!), finding out i need it, and then making this dumb injury and recovery into a more than year long deal...

but of course, if i don't need the surgery, then that would be best of course... 9 months vs. 4-5 months... plus, i really would like to take advantage of the soccer and coaches in hartford area while i'm there for the year... if surgery, then no soccer, no frequent skiing/boarding trips... basically hartford would suck.

brother's a pain too... seems like my parents and bro want me to look more into this surgery option... they don't think i've done my research or asked around enough? i hate people trying to run my life. he accused me of being too proud for not telling my family the truth about my injury. yeah it's true that when they ask, "does it hurt," i always respond with a "no." but it sure isn't due to pride. i hate telling my family about my booboos cuz they always make a big deal about it. i can't stand the nagging and the "does it hurt?", "are you okay?", "stop playing soccer". i never could stand that.. since i was a kid, i never complained about that kind of stuff to them... never cuz i was too proud to admit that i was hurting...

whatever...

finally handed in our paper for our group project at work... a whopping 81 pages.. lots of late nights, sorry.. endless nights.. but all done now. we have our 3rd development session next week, ending with our presentation of the project to the top execs of the organization. can't wait for this thing to be over... i've had enough of this.. actually, i've had enough of work in general. this real world thing is really not cool...

college with even less sleep

wow.. now i'm really feeling like i'm in college... only worse.. cuz i have to wake up at the crack of dawn.. or rather.. in not even a couple hours. well, i did have a nice weekend chilling with some aweseom people i studied abroad with... but guess now i'm suffering the consequences... work.. weekend of no sleep.. and now, even less sleep...

guess i'll just load up on the caffeine...

just like college... waiting till the last minute.

i feel like i'm in college again.. we have these dumb annoying group projects.. just finished working on our white paper, for now at least.. weird, deja vu of workgin on that seminar paper...

night.

blue collars and white collars

so my normal 1:15 drive to philly took 3.5 hours today... it took about 2.5 hours to inch along less than 5 miles...

oh, so I was asked to mentor an intern who was part of program called WorkReady... gives hs/college kids an opp to explore future careers. pretty funny that i had an intern and was asked to mentor him since i myself could use some mentoring. so my manager and i were scrounging around, pleading.. yes, literally pleading co-workers for simple busywork to give this guy... (i got my first lesson on pleading...live from my manager herself).

so anyways, he doesn't show up on Monday and we're all wondering where this kid is.. then I find out that he's not going to be able to work with us because he's juggling two other jobs.. pretty crazy. i spent some time getting to know the kid and realized just how spoiled i am. i asked what he wanted to get out of the internship and his response was: "well, this is a white collar building right?" and i sat there and seriously had to think about this question... i knew what he meant, but never thought in those terms, and did not know how to respond. gives you a much different perspective on society... and on youreslf... although i think the real reason why he quit is that we bored him by what we do... oops. anyhow, so he only worked for me for 4 hours, and then that was it! well, i seem to have failed at this mentoring thing... such a failure... hope it doesn't go on my permanent record... i must say, it is a relief to both my manager and i to not have to worry about finding/pleading people for things this kid could do.... don't get me wrong.. i think this is a great program, but it's just bad timing.. my manager and i were given 2 days notice... things are crazy for me, and having someone else to worry about is just too much to think about.

help me hear you

it's so frustrating.. i've demonstrated that i'm quite capable everywhere except for in my own family. no one in my fam trusts me with the decisions i have to make for my own life. mom, dad, bro.. they're always right.. me.. in their eyes, i'm always wrong. i want to grow up, but i can't because my life is run by my family. yeah, in the end it's my decision, but i do respect them. why should i feel bad for selecting my own path.. or in this situation, just an apt?? why do i almost always fall back on what they insist upon?? i'm sick and tired of having these losing arguments...

worked at victory soccer camp on monday and tuesday... it's so awesome to coach kids in a sport that God has really blessed me with... despite the bum leg and all... and have the freedom and the encouragement to share the gospel with these kids... what an awesome privelige and opportunity... that's what it's all about... loving and sharing the good news... really made me want to fast forward this potential career switch.... teaching perhaps...

took a quick trip to hartford to visit my future office and colleagues, then checked out a couple of apts.. the job sounds pretty cool... my direct manager is the chief strategy officer so that's pretty cool. pretty nice guy... should be a busy year...

anyways, i'm tired and a bit frustrated... so... i'm going to go out and kick a ball around despite the messed up knee. i'm tired of sitting around.. so i'm choosing sanity over pain. thanks.. and please don't tell me i should be careful with the knee because quite frankly... i'm kind of tired of everyone telling what i should do with my life.. too much outside noise distracting the one and only voice that I must hear and obey.. my big daddy upstairs...

PCC Retreat

This weekend was GREAT!! God is soo good... I really needed to be in God's house and family... though i'm no clearer on where God wants me to be, I'm a lot more at peace, knowing that He will open and close the doors for me in His time. my prayer is that I will be a living sacrifice for God, making the most of the opportunities He places me in... even if it's seemingly no fun and painful..aka.. sitting behind a desk.. He never said it'd be easy... I pray for patience in dealing with individuals, perseverance to keep close to His word, and a heart to pour His love out of...

I really need God's perseverance to make it through this summer glorifying God in all that I do, especially at work. just one day at work after coming back from retreat, I already feel spiritually weakened. I feel like I have seniorities again... having an offer for my next rotation, plus the fact that it's summer (and summer in my heart and mind is still fun and games) just sets the correct mood and environment.

^"But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:5-7. I want to be able to tell God one day that I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

So at physical therapy today, after being laughed at for having a "peg leg," I got my first walking lesson since... let's see.. since I was 1?? boy, did I feel silly... well, hopefully i'll be walking normal in no time.. maybe even better than i did before!

just call me hoppity

so i'm now known as "gimp," "gimppity," and as my manager puts it, "hoppity." can't you just feel how excited i am by my new found fame? anyways, hopefully just one more week of this brace...

i ate soo much this weekend. i guess i come out of every weekend saying the same thing, but i really ate a lot this past one. and now it's really bad because i, believe it or not, have not participated in any form of physical activity for the past.. almost what 6 weeks??? craziness.. i did hit the driving range this weekend with the fam... one thing i can do with a huge brace one. well, perhaps if i hit the ball properly, i would not be able to do it with a stiff leg, but hey, i don't really know what i'm doing anyways. but still, i definitely would not define that as physical activity, at least not in my dictionary of terms.

i spent the weekend eating and chillin with the grandrents, aunt, uncle, and cousins. what a blast! it's always good to see family and see what's going on in our oh, so exciting lives. anyways, if you're interested, check out my very talented artist cousin's website. www.fayku.com

enjoy.. laters..

running His race... discipline and patience...

So my elementary/middle/high school friend got married this weekend. was lots of fun.. would've been funner if I could dance on 2 feet. Pretty crazy though.. we've been friends since 2nd grade... we were in brownies and girl scouts together, played soccer, the list could go on forever, so i'll spare you. I'll scan in some pics after i get her wedding photos back.

People say weddings are joyous.. and the tears you shed are tears of joy. I don't know though. At my wedding, I'd probably be shedding tears of sadness... it's sad.. your parents are giving you away to be with someone else. yeah, you'll still see family and all, but it's weird. I don't know... I'm sure those tears of sadness will turn into joy when I'm ready... gotta find a man first I suppose.

I went to watch the team I was going to play on get killed by the Central Jersey Wildcats. No surprise I suppose.. the Wildcats have a few National Team players, some international stars... Despite the fact that my team's keeper was getting killed, goal after goal, I just wanted to be out there soo badly.

I don't know what my deal is... not being able to play is really affecting work and everything. Running around really was my method of venting frustration... that's what made me happy. All I thought about today at work was how I want to coach kids at Victory Soccer Camp and how I want to teach and yeah... I'm so confused... I guess I gotta be patient. Perhaps God did this so that I would be forced to find my happiness in Him... in His word.... Discipline and patience... determination and endurance... run His race... not mine...

should i be worried?

I'm getting a little worried... In regards to PCL tears... mixed reviews.. . some say you can deal without it... but then these other articles scare me! "Unfortunately, in such cases (severe) there is no cure and running must cease permanently. If the instability is mild, running can continue but with the caveat that the instability will result in wear on the joint albeit more slowly and that this will frequently shorten a running career." praying that my case is not the above described!

and i don't know why i'm so self-conscious about this brace. i'm slowly getting over it, but yeah.. i've got issues... i wore it more or less the whole day today though!

Anyhow, so we got our job rotations and I'm pretty happy about my position. I will be working in Hartford (location doesn't seem so hot, but I guess at least I'm close to princessvince :)... hehe..), in the Strategy and Business Development group. The job itself seems pretty neat, so I guess that should stir some excitement...eventually... We don't rotate until mid-August, so still plenty of time to cause some trouble in Philly...

Going to visit the grandrents in DC this weekend.. taking my cuz out for a graduation dinner, bringing the grandrents back to our new pad... then good ole memorial day church picnics! Have a good one!

out for the season...

sucks.. no soccer for me for a long while.. i'm screwed.. i can't last more than a day without touching a ball.. or without running from place to place..

got my mri results today.. ruptured pcl.. i'm glad it's not the acl, although i'm not sure how i got to the pcl without getting the acl.. whatevers..anyways, bad side is that pcl's harder to reconstruct and not always successful.. good side is hopefully, or prayerfully i won't need to get surgery (of course that's also dependent on me wearing this dumb brace...and taking care of the knee.. which i am not quite fond of doing). yeah.. so my doc threw me in this huge, bulky, completely straight 180 degree brace for 4 weeks!! yeah.. i'm sure that's really going to happen... i mean, part of me says to wear it so that it can get better and so i can play sooner.. but most of me is saying, this sucks.. it's ugly, it's a pain, it's extremely inconvenient, it's hot.. and screw it.. we'll see what happens.. if you have any advice on how to get my pants over this thing, please tell me... i could do the skirt, but the brace is so long that half the brace would be hanging out... i be looking real stupid..

anyways, we find out our next rotations on friday... hartford, philly, or ft. wayne, usa here i come!

china fun, soccer bum...

China was mad fun... I so did not want to come back to the real world..

Anyhow, it was quite stressful until about day 3 of the trip. The Friday before i left, i was at work until 1am.. fun stuff.. then proceeded to my apt. to move more stuff out and pack up the rest... after I arrived in Beijing, I had to select my top 7 choices for my next job rotation, and type up all this crap about them... yeah.. forgot to take into account that accessing certain url's from China is often not as easy as it is here... hehe.. slight problem.. oh well, it all ended up alright. but China was awesome!!

1st stop: Beijing... it was nice to be back in the polluted, dusty and dirty capital of China. I went to practice with the university softball team that I was a member of... brought back nice memories. we had an alumni vs. students scrimmage.. and we won of course.. hehe.. I was a little worried that I'd forgotten how to play... after all, the last time I hit a ball or caught one was probably when I was playing for that team in China.. I guess I got lucky with a double.. pop fly the 2nd batting.. and of course the trip would not be complete without a biking down the streets of beijing, rubbing up against dirty xiali cars (which are not being manufactured anymore by the way... replaced by some anhui car which looks quite nice actually)... anyhow, grace, her bro, and i rode down to the temple of heaven...twas quite fun.

then off to shanghai, dropped my crap off at my bro.'s apt.. which is ridiculously nice... in american standards!! spoiled child... had ribsat tony roma's with my uncle on business from taiwan... then headed to the 15 hour train ride to Huangshan.. translated yellow mountains i guess.. it's the really pretty ones that you see in all the chinese paintings.. it's really, really nice there, but the hike up and down.. is ridiculously difficult. we were dead tired, sore for a good week after that.

then another 15 hour train ride back to shanghai.. spent some time there just hanging out.. getting to know the city.. met up with some old church friends.. lyndon, rossana, jeremy, hannah.. didn't see the baby though.. they seem to be having quite a time there.. chilling with the bigwigs and all.. fun stuff.
then, to hong kong. first time there for me. now that place is fun.. i only wish i could understand the language and speak it! it's a cool, fun city, with pretty mountains and surrounding waters nearby as well.. i had authentic dimsum, which to be honest was good, but not anything outstandingly better than what we can get in chinatown... walked around teh city a bit, had afternoon tea in some bay.. very nice btw., and went for a boat cruise... went wakeboarding, swam to shore, played some version of touch football on the beach... quite a nice time.. had some good bonding time with my bro's gf too.. that was good. one major annoyance.. everywhere i went, i was reminded of how much i look like my brother... argh...

anywyas, back to the real world i guess.. i got back last sunday, was back at work on monday morning. surprisingly and thankfully not too jetlagged... had my first full week of commuting last week.. not too bad i guess.. so far at least.

was a little stressed about these soccer tryouts held this past weekend cuz minus the hike up huangshan, all i did the past 2 weeks was eat and sleep... geez.. haven't had to tryout for soccer since who knows when...anyhow, so i go to the tryout... doing well... 30 minutes into the tryout, i go and slide-tackle this girl for the ball..., collide with the girl.. and somehow mess up my knee.. sucks.. anyways, i'm not sure what this means.. i wanted to play in this league so badly... but it's doubtful now.. i was going to go watch practice today, but ended up getting horribly lost... ended up near the shore somehow.. frustrated, found the turnpike and headed home. maybe it just wasn't meant to be.. maybe God doesn't want me to commit myself to this team this year.. i don't know.. whatever... learning to let go.. there are always other opportunities i guess.. and there's always next year..
gotta finish up some other work for our group project.. presenting some crap to each other tomorrow.. then we have our cocktail networking party and interviews tomorrow and friday for our next job rotation.. definitely quite ill-prepared.. oh well.. whatever.. not sure what to do with my life anyways.. would love to go back to chian.. or find a job that i woudl be able to travel to china frequently.. any connections anyone?

i quit (adult life)

if this is what adult life is like, i quit...

i don't know how to deal with difficult people, and quite frankly, i'm tired of it. i give up... but then parents step in and pull me back into the game... i can't handle my own life.. yes, i'm getting stepped on... it's obvious... everyone except the one knows it.. i could play _'s game and do what __ done to me, but what would that do? just make me feel guilty, and plus, __ wouldn't even see __ own reflection through my actions... how do you love and care and yet not be stepped on?

finally this weekend, i think my dad started seeing the bigger picture.. it was interesting because he compared what i was going through to what JC had to go through... saying that what I'm going through might hurt and I might lose some stuff, but it's miniscule compared to what JC had to go through.. that was pretty cool... finally.. this was the first time that i felt like someone who has a major influence on my actions, understood...now the main problem is that my mom has not quite reached that understanding yet. this stupid situation is pulling apart my life and my parent's now! i'm sure it will pass soon.. hope so at least.

a few more days until i can just relax and not think about anything.. i cannot wait to get on that airplane to china... i cannot wait to sit there, motionless, eat airplane food, sleep, watch movies... for a full 10+ hours...

praying i can make it to sunday in one piece... work is stress... my love for food is evidenced by my constant eating at my desk.. you know there's a problem when i, out of all people, don't have time for lunch, and then don't have time to eat until 830... we also finally got the job listings for our next rotation. not too thrilled by any, but that's alright. i don't really know what i want to do anyways...i was already called to the program head to discuss my thoughts on the rotations.. how do i get pulled into this stuff??? somehow have to sort through all of those listings and select my top choices before I leave... now that would be in addition to closing up the other work i have to finish, packing up my entire apartment... yep yep.. it was decided that i would move out by 5/1... i return from china on 5/2, so basically i'm screwed. packing everything up tonight (and those of you who have seen my room before.. yeah, well, it's worse than you've last seen), bringing some stuff home tomorrow.. fit work in between, go shopping for presents for fam and friends in china, get a dress for my manager's wedding, get her present... yeah.. more or less screwed...

whatever, like i said... if this is what adult life is going to be like, i quit. i've just about had enough.

learning to love...

Learning to love when the world's reaction is hate is quite a challenge indeed... but what a pleasure it is to suffer and learn how to love... and what a pain too.. :)

We had our 2nd development session all last week.. I thought it would be nice to get out of work for a few days, but man, did I wish I was back at work.. group projects, difficult people..rather, difficult person.. opinions stated, voices raised.. i'm really starting to think i have a lack of people management skills. i never had these problems before.. so weird!!! unlucky perhaps??? or rather, i think i've just lived a very sheltered life..

I went to my first bridal shower this weekend.. and boy, did I learn a lot about showers and weddings!! My friend Karen who I went to school from 2nd through 12th grade is getting married in June, and yes, she's my age... craziness.. these kind of events really age us.. you can't help but feel old when your friends are getting married and entering the "true adult" stage of life... it was a lot of fun catching up with friends, and parents of friends who I grew up with... parents who used to drive us around to soccer everyday.. ah the good 'ole days.

anyways, so i have less than 2 weeks to figure out what i'm going to do about my living situation, move out and in or stay, figure out what i'm going to wear to my boss' wedding, figure out who if anyone to bring, do my taxes, book hotels and plane tickets, finish up any major projects, get in good soccer shape, tryout.... slightly stressed... oh well, what else is new... but whatever.. after 2 weeks.. i am off to CHINA!!! wish i could stay there more than my vacation days allow...

how to forgive 100%

I think i've come to realize that i have not fully forgiven this person... and that's why i've just been feeling kinda blah.. stressed with all the work i have to do and meaningless stuff... my mom told me this weekend that my teeth grinding is really loud.. didn't even know that i grinded-ground?? my teeth... maybe that's why i've been getting these weird headaches.. weirdness... everything's connected in some form or fashion.. all starts with your spirit... i need to get myself right with God, and I'm gonna need his help to totally forgive...

work is crazy busy.. in addition to all the real work, we had to put together these performance assessments and internal resumes in preparation for our next rotation... and i thought was done putting together resumes... using all that business language...for awhile..

the rents are moving to their new house tomorrow... finally... exciting.. sorta.. actually, more of a pain than anything.

anyways, all i wanna do in life is play soccer and go skiing and boarding. oh, anyone wanna buy my old skis off of me? they're still in good condition.. no bindings.. just skis..

oh.. and Passion.. what a movie... excited for what God's doing with that... praying for miracles...

grace and mercy to forgive and love

so it's been a rough 2 weeks.. haven't felt that much pent up anger in me in a long while... it's definitely been God's grace and mercy that has let me have some peace and patience with what's been going on.. I'm usually pretty chill about things in general. Sometimes things may bother me, but I realize that in the scheme of things, that thing is really just a tiny aspect of life, and oftentimes not worth fretting over. You let go, forgive, and forget. If you feel like you've been wronged, i don't think it's worth holding grudges and arguing over... talk about it, share how you feel, and let it go...

I guess this time, I just had it. I felt like I was always being taken advantage of and stepped on, and quite frankly, was just really quite tired of it. Yeah, it had to do with money issues, but the reality of the situation to me was that I really don't care about the money... it was the principle.. it was the fact that I am the one who always has to give in and sacrifice something in order to please the other. it frustrates me because i really care about this person and want to be a witness to her, but it's just so difficult, especially in this kind of situation. during a conversation we had to talk things out, all i wanted was for her to see my viewpoint without offending her with my truth of how i felt... the fact of the matter is that i cherish friendships and relationships more than i do such trivial financial matters, but it's hard to make that point and not get screwed over financially by someone who could care less about how i felt or how our friendship would hold up. i was worried about how she would react and how she would deal. i wanted to make sure she wouldn't be on a love-hate relationship going forward... and at the end of the conversation, we were on pretty good terms, we were both smiling as we parted, but inside, i hurt so badly. it hurt so much to see her "okay" and at peace with the situation as I walked back to my office and broke down in tears. it just felt like a losing battle. i guess it's hard to put in words... anyways, it's hard to understand now, but i know that God is teaching me something and perhaps even providing me an opportunity to be a witness to this person. we still need to hash things out a bit more, so we'll see what happens. it's just so hard to love sometimes and so easy to complain.... it's also especially hard to see straight, to see how God wants me to react, when friend's around me are more angry about the situation than I am. i think i was more upset than angry... but people around me are telling me that i can't let this happen.. don't get screwed over.. that's enough.. and all that jazz clouding up what God wants me to see...

anyways, found out yesterday that a girl at the church i sort of go to, was murdered. i personally did not know her, but some people i know at the church did know her. pretty crazy.. things like this really puts life back into perspective. the matters that i was worrying about really are just so trivial and not worth wasting God's precious time on. life is short.

as i was reminded the other day, i really need to get my act together and have a nice conversation with the friend i'm having issues with and bring some closure to the situation... closure to how we will handle the financial matter, but more importantly, closure so that i can seek God's love and grace and mercy to help me forgive this person fully, and continue to love her even more. please pray for us and for the family and friends of the girl who was murdered.