Why do I so stink at updating my blog. A lot has happened, but I guess what often brings me to write is when I'm frustrated or just wanting to get lots of thoughts and feeling off my chest, without actually having to talk to anyone about them. I guess it takes the place of having a physical pity party for myself and bringing those around me down with me. That would be a pretty pitiful party after all.
But before I blab away, a few updates on life in general, and I want to wish my best buddy Goldie a very happy birthday. She passed away a few years ago, but her place as my doggy sister will never be replaced. I miss you Goldie and I wish I could give you a big hug.
What else... I officially left my job on Feb 10, 2010. It was the day of the massive snowstorm here on the east coast, so my last day ended up being celebrated inside my apartment, packing and figuring out how to get myself to Boston for the start of StartingBloc where I was leading the Social Innovation Competition the next day.
Since leaving, it's been a whirlwind, and I mean that literally... starting in Philly, trekking up to Boston for StartingBloc, flying back to NYC(which was a nightmare in itself as I was booked on the wrong flight and just barely made it back to NYC) to catch a flight to Vancouver to meet my brother and soon to be sister-in-law and her family for some Olympics and Whistler skiing fun, then back to NYC for more SB. After making my way back to Philly for a weekend, trekked back up to NYC for more SB planning, back to Philly to pack for the annual ski/snowboard trip, fly to Utah for a week in the mountains with awesome friends, fly back to Philly and that night head right back up to NYC for SB Institute. Woh, i'm tired just thinking about those few crazy weeks.
Then focusing more on EdGE - building it out, but then also working on a couple of side projects which became quite the time commitment. Snuck out to LA for the !deation conference in LA, hung out with my good sista Jane, and met up with some old friends and family. Projects I've been working on or am working on... SB of course. Another was focused on the hunger crisis we face in Philly and has wrapped up. One that's still open keeps me running back and forth b/w NYC and Philly a lot... too much... Also starting a project focused on the city of Philly itself, while trying to build out the brand identity of this all and how to run a business and all that stuff that I'm clueless about. Ack!
I am tired and frustrated and... hrmm... this past week in particular... very "pouty". i feel like a spoiled child that just wants her way, but i also want what my big papa wants for me. but gosh, sometimes its just so hard to understand the why... and the how... and it just does not feel good to feel stuck in a rut. i thought this was for Him but why this rut and confusion and frustration now. i know He's teaching me and trying to change me and make me the person He's created me to be, but it's just so hard to understand and be patient and see through that. I just want an answer now. I just want the wrong doors to close and the right doors to open. I know he knows best. I say I trust him, but do I really? why is this so hard. i say this is for him, but is it really? Man it is so hard. I want His plan for me, but He's showing me the idols in my life that I need to get rid of, but it's so hard... it's so ingrained in who I am and how I operate and how I think.
Praying over my favorite song by everybody duck... that it wouldn't be nice words in a song but that i could pray this honestly and let go fully of any plans of my own, even the plans that are hidden in my own heart.
Use me here, where I am
I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans
despite my fear I place my life in Your hands
the future can wait, tomorrow might be too late
Jesus, use me here
I lay my heart's desire at Your feet, oh Lord
take all my hopes and plans and all my dreams
blinded by triumphs of tomorrow I've let sin control today
so many drowning within reach, father it's time You heard me say
Use me here, where I am
I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans
despite my fear I place my life in Your hands
the future can wait, tomorrow might be too late
Jesus, use me here
I tell myself I want to know Your will, oh Lord
still I confess I've had plans of my own
but from now on I pledge to listen to Your will and to obey
no matter what the future holds, I'm gonna live for You today
Use me here, where I am
I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans
despite my fear I place my life in Your hands
the future can wait, tomorrow might be too late
Jesus, use me here
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