An updated testimony

So I'm finally formally committing to the Church I've been attending for the past few years by becoming a member... and as part of that membership process, I had to submit my testimony. I was going to take the easy route and copy and paste one I had written a few years ago, but... that didn't feel right... anyways, I thought I might share it on my blog too - after all.. it's a public profession so what do I have to hide...

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It wasn’t one specific moment or emotional experience that brought me to Christ, but it was through much prayer from others, youth group meetings and Bible studies, and “blind” discipline during my middle and high school years that caused me to see and accept Jesus as my Savior. It was in college when I feel God really reinforced my commitment to Him, opening my eyes to just how wretched a sinner I am and how much I needed Him in my life. In hindsight, I can see how God had planned and guided every step of the way. It’s a life-long journey, and God continues to reveal Himself to me in different ways, teaching me new and challenging things, and loving me for who I am – sinner and all. In my testimony here, I’m going to share the beginning of this journey and briefly touch on some recent experiences of how He’s working in my life and leading me along the journey today.

I grew up in a typical Asian-American family, where education came first, arguably even before God. From as early as I can remember, we attended Church services on Sundays, but we were never a very “religious” family. I knew the Bible stories from Sunday school, but they didn’t seem all that different from the fairytales and short stories like Little Red Riding Hood that I read at home, with the exception of the Bible stories perhaps being a bit less animated. I knew what “to do” and how “to act”, defined not explicitly by Biblical standards but by parental disciplining simply based on the common morals of our culture, which allowed us to easily fit into the typical Church-goer crowd.

It wasn’t until my early middle school years when I began to even begin comprehending God’s love for me. Albeit it was still somewhat superficial, it was the start of my spiritual journey. Sunday Church services were supplemented by Friday night youth discipleship classes where our adolescent brains were challenged by theological concepts, biblical teachings, and learning what being a Christian truly meant. Admittedly, the material we covered often surpassed my intellectual capacities; however those lessons began to form a strong Christ-centered foundation in my heart and mind. I began to see how much God loved me, and how much I needed Him. I am eternally thankful for our youth pastor who shepherded us during those formative years. I can still hear his voice as he told us every week that he prayed for each of us by name every day, and as he challenged us to read our Bibles and to be disciplined about having a regular quiet time with God. I know God heard our pastor’s prayers for us. It is obvious by looking at how the majority of us who were part of the youth group during those years have grown as men and women of God, committing our lives to Him.

I was baptized in March of 1994. I professed my belief and faith in God and called on Jesus to be my personal Savior. As I think about it today, sometimes I question whether I understood the public profession I was making or whether I was jumping on the bandwagon of being baptized since many of the other youth group kids did too – almost as if it being a “rite of passage” of some sort. But re-reading some old prayers from my journal that I had written during those years, I cannot doubt my faith and commitment that I had made then. I was simply an infant in my walk with God, and still had and continue to have so much more to learn.

During my high school years, I yearned to grow that personal relationship with Him, especially as the stresses of high school academics, extracurriculars, and social peer pressures grew, but I struggled. I practiced “blind” discipline, doing things like quiet times to check it off the list of things to do, reading Oswald Chambers and my student bible, and even journaling my prayers. I didn’t feel very close to God. Our relationship felt unilateral – I prayed a bunch of stuff and repeated it almost daily, and often did not hear a response. I taught Sunday school classes, lead praise and worship, and organized all sorts of activities and events for my youth group and Church. By the time I graduated high school, I was tired and burnt out from “Church stuff”, and while I yearned to hear Him and experience His love, I did not know how to. My life was filled with activities, commitments, and responsibilities from Church, school, and other extracurriculars.

As I entered college, I had planned to find a Church, but told myself that I was not going to serve or become too involved just yet. I wanted a break, I wanted to absorb and learn, I wanted to experience the different facets of college life and explore the great city I was now living in. But God had other plans for me as almost immediately after moving in, I had strangers contacting me to attend Christian fellowship events. I wondered if somehow there was some sort of “Christian” label attached to my name and email. 

I participated here and there in different fellowship activities, but was dissatisfied with the community who seemed to be so inwardly focused. The more dissatisfied and lonely I grew, the more I felt God calling me to stay and be part of that community. I didn’t understand why. At the same time, I had never felt so close to God before. He was teaching me so much through sermons and talks, the Bible, and through other “random” occurrences. Despite having read the passage in the past and not getting much from it other than a story, God put Luke chapter 5 in front of me one afternoon – the story about Jesus calling His disciples – and He dug deep into my heart, convicting me of the depravity of my sinfulness, and yet despite the wretchedness of that sin, He still wanted me to be part of His team, and to partner with Him in reaching our world. I was floored by both my sin and by His love. I realized to what extent I did indeed need my Savior, and sought to gain a deeper understanding of His love for me. I was in awe. I was in love. I was getting to know Him at a personal level, and it was awesome. All I wanted to do was get to know Him more and share this love with others. 

Since that experience my freshman year, it’s been my priority to seek God’s direction in all things that I do. God has given me a heart for loving and caring for His people – that is something I had known since a child. Prior to college, I had thought that would equate to helping people through being a medical doctor. However, during college, despite my extreme aversion, God took that passion for helping people, provided experiences to show me the extent of the social needs of the impoverished around the world, and showed me the influence business and for-profit strategies could have towards effecting positive social change and bring social justice. As He led my reluctant soul into the for-profit business world, I began to see why he wanted me there: 1) to be a witness to my colleagues around me; and 2) to build the skills and experiences, and apply them to serve the poor around the world.

As I look back at the past 5-6 years working for Lincoln Financial, I recall periodically questioning why God had placed me there. I wondered if I had heard God wrong and instead let the words of my practical family transcend my hearts desires. But God would remind me why when I needed to be reminded. Every role I held and all the seemingly “random” projects and relationships He placed in front of me, I can now see how purposeful they were and how God was using different experiences to teach me a new thing or sharpening a skill or characteristic. All of those experiences collectively have shaped my thinking about our world and around addressing global poverty and justice issues. 

I’m currently at a crossroads of significant change. I feel Him asking me to step out of the security and stability of the “boat” I currently sit and work in and from. He’s asking me if I truly trust Him, if I’m committed to Him and His kingdom. He’s assuring me that I am ready, that He’s prepared and equipped me with what I need, and that all I need for this next step is to trust Him and have faith. He’s given me a passion, a vision, and a strategy. He’s given me a network of peers to pray and support me. I’m excited to take up the charge, but at the same time terrified and so insecure, but I am learning daily to lean fully on Him. I would desire to be in no other place than in the arms of my Heavenly Father, holding me and preparing the path as I walk in faith, working with His greater Church body, together, building His global ministry and kingdom.