First thing in the AM tomorrow, we head back to China – this time to Beijing. Goodbye Cambodia. You have been good to us. We feel truly blessed by His graciousness towards us. It was so clear how every meeting was truly appointed and planned by Him. As far as what’s next, if anything, we will proceed with much prayer. He has inspired us. He has showed us needs and opportunities. He has encouraged us. But we will carefully tread forward with His vision and direction. But do we think we’ll back back in Cambodia serving at some point – we would like too and we hope to!

Some random pics of our time in Cambodia.

 

kids will be kids - makeshift slide

Philly's fan in Russian Market?
(likely just a leftover shirt made in Cambodia)

Church in Phnom Penh

My friend Lisa left this morning for Siem Reap where she’ll be exploring Angkor Wat the next couple days.  We initially wanted to go there as well, but we felt we needed to maintain our focus to meet with organizations and spend time with the people God placed and would place into our path,  so we stayed put in the city.

We were supposed to visit Fellowsihp of Hope’s Church service today but had some challenges getting in touch with our contact there.  So, we decided to visit our ELIC friend’s Church, which also happened to be the Church that a friend of a friend from Philly connected us to attends.  Not without detours and getting lost multiple times, Jenny and I wandered our way, way late because of our many detours, to Gospel Commission Fellowship Church.  The people God placed in front of us at Church was an unexpected blessing.  Jenny had an awesome conversation with a woman who had come as a pharmacist to serve His kingdom with that skillset.  Others we met were doing other things that were very encouraging for both of us to here and see.  Once again, when a door closes, it’s not without reason, and if we are just simply willing to step forward and roll with it, what an amazing journey it can be.  We made some friends, brothers and sisters that we hope to get to know more, partner with and serve together with in the future, through prayer and/or more tangible ways as well.

So last night, 10 minutes after we had decided to attend GCF Church, I get a phone call from our contact at Fellowship of Hope.  I felt bad telling them we weren’t going to attend their church because we promised others we’d go to another, but was happy to be able to meet them in the afternoon and drop off and watch their soccer games with the kids from TLC Centre and Harvest of Hope.  On our way to the soccer field, we of course had to stop at the Russian Market to eat this awesome noodle dish that we chomped on the day before… yum.

You can't not step on the field when someone hands you a jersey

We got to the field where kids from Fellowship of Hope were playing.  Of course I had to step on the field and mess around with them.  Then the teachers and adults came, and the founders of the org that we were planning to meet with.  I was handed a uniform.  When someone hands you a uniform, you can’t decline it and push it aside.  So I put on my yellow Friendship Soccer team jersey and shorts, and stepped onto the pitch… no equipment required…. Just a pair of feet… perhaps not something my tender feet are too accustomed to, and perhaps not something smart to do on a bad ankle, but at the least, you get better touch on the ball without shoes on!  Off I went, into a happy place, playing with these brothers against some of the kids in their program.  At the end of our match we gave them the soccer balls that were donated (thanks Edwin!).  A hot sweaty mess I was.

my sole teammate during girls v. boys.

Immediately after, we had to rush back to U of N.  We were supposed to spend some time at one of their at-risk child development programs, and meet with someone who is helping set up their microfinance project to see if there are ways to provide some input and advice.  But, for whatever reason, I got the times mixed up (woops!) and then the tuk-tuk driver couldn’t find his way over to U of N in time, so we ended up wandering around town instead.  We’ve just had so many appointments and I guess everything was starting to blend together.  Nonetheless, we were actually quite thankful to have a break – we needed one – and it was the Sabbath after all so while I felt horrible for missing that appointment, I trust in His timing and both of us were thankful for the break.


We wandered our way to the Friendship Restaurant where, similar to Rendang, trains, teaches, and employs young men and women, previous street kids, in the restaurant and hospitality business.  Enroute we found my all time favorite fruit – mangosteens!  Last I had them was probably in Thailand or Indonesia on a family trip, and since then, have failed to locate them anywhere.  They were SO good... so satisfying to the soul.. okay.. fine… satisfying to the tastebuds.  We had some coffee and crepes at the Friendship Resturant, then walked our way back to our hotel to grab dinner at a restaurant by our place.  A day full of running and walking... we were exhausted... but so overly satisfied and filled with His joy and love.

cracked screen... unreadable key pad...

I'm using my sis-in-law's old school nokia cell phone. It works just fine... I mean... it workED just fine except for the sticky key pad that requires much patience in texting... well, it doesn't help that you can't read the digits and letters on the keypad either but for the most part I have a good feel for that.

During a bumpy tuk-tuk ride, my cell snuck out of my pocket on a moving tuk-tuk and flew into moving traffic! I was just going to let it go as a casualty but Bophat bolted out of the tuk-tuk to salvage it before a random man on a bike almost grabbed it. Amazingly the phone actually still works, but the screen is a bit cracked. As a result, I can’t really read all of my text messages, and my text messages often look like this (sorry, can't figure out how to rotate this pic). What I was trying to say was: "I'll call u after done at school program. Screen broken so can't really see."...or something like that. Gosh who knows how many other completely messed up texts I've been sending!

“you… tuk tuk?” I’m starting to hear these words in my sleep… as tuk-tuk drivers (Cambodia rickshaw like vehicle) constantly come up to us asking if we need a tuk-tuk.

Bophat, Monika, and our tuk-tuk

We said yes to one of the tuk-tuks, and headed to meet Monika, the director of University of Nations (U of N), a YWAM ministry in Phnom Penh. At U of N, we met 2 German girls on a pseudo vision trip. We learned about the young Cambodians who were coming to know Him and being equipped through their discipleship training program, and then growing up to become leaders at their schools and in their communities. Different programs have sprung up through U of N to help local communities, including child development centers for at-risk children, vocational training programs, and they are now dipping their toes in microfinance as well. Both Jenny and I took away some ideas and opportunities that we are going to continue talking to Monika about for ways that we can support them in the future.

We met a hilarious young Cambodian woman, Bophat, who attended their discipleship program over 7 years ago, dedicated her life to Him, and has transformed her life completely. She used to be in with the gangs, and ready to give up her life, but He had and has grand plans for this young woman. She helps out at U of N, and is attending law school, hoping to make her way into government and change the country from the inside out. She’s idealistic and I’m confident she will succeed. Amazing young woman who loves Him. She’s also hilarious and has this awesome laugh that can’t help but make you laugh too. I’m excited to see how He uses her, and I’m excited to hopefully one day work with her to effect change at a global systemic scale. Idealists unite!

Bophat took us on a tour of the city - visited Wat Phnom and the Royal Palace. The sites were good but the best part was just hanging out together and getting to know each other. At the Royal Palace, where the King lives, I was dragged into playing a xylophone like instrument with some guy, and then we befriended a couple of monks. So, during our orientation with Monika, we were told not to initiate conversation with monks or touch them or their clothing. So there were these 2 monks at the Palace, also touring around, and I accidentally made eye contact with one. I mean, I know there’s nothing wrong with eye contact but it was just an awkward moment and you know, I didn’t want to disrespect any of their rules. Then Bophat, so outgoing, goes up and talks to them and the 2 monks ask if they can take a photo with us. So we do, carefully so that that we don’t touch their clothing. Then later on we ran into these 2 monks again, and we talk again. They tell us, through Bophat's translation, that we can ask them any questions if we’d like. So we talk briefly, find out that one of them became a monk simply because he needed a place to stay at the age of 8 because his father forced him to move out. Becoming a monk gave him a place to sleep and learn and live. Bophat later asked if he would consider leaving ‘monk-hood’ if there was another free place to stay, perhaps a Christian run place. He said yes, so Bophat got his digits, and off we went. Praying for our little monk friend…

Jenn who I'll be meeting up with later on this trip introduced a brother who is also serving through ELIC, teaching at a university in Cambodia. He and his wife have 2 little babies, and together have been serving in Cambodia for the past 7 years. Before I go any further, meeting him was another one of those times where God opens a door, and we just kind of walk through. Totally last minute connection. We weren’t even planning on meeting or anything because our schedule is already so packed, but for whatever reason, we reached out to him in response to him reaching out to us... and the rest is history.

We visited the university he is teaching at, and talked about his vision for the students. You know those moments when you’re in conversation and you just know, there’s a God-thing going on because the conversation topic is so relevant to what’s on your mind? Well, I had one of those moments as we talked about developing leaders with compassion to serve and lead this country’s future. After seeing the university, we headed to his house to have an Indian dinner with his wife and kids. It was exciting to hear and see what He is doing through people who simply obey and follow His lead. Wonderful time, but I left dinner with my mind filled with questions and thoughts and a bit of confusion. I need to seek His face… His direction. In addition to the work I’m doing and the idea around developing young Cambodian leaders, I never thought I would directly use my studies in international relations… but… well, tbd with much prayer. I know this is a vague statement but not quite ready to share it just yet!

We headed back to our hotel after dinner and called it a night!

Bloom Asia and Daughters of Cambodia

Today was our first full day in Phnom Penh. We had appointments to meet with Bloom Asia and Daughters of Cambodia today, but as life in the developing world (okay, in the developed world too), things happen, meetings fall through, etc., so you just kind of roll with it. We place every step we take into His hands... life happens... no big deal… He’s in control and there’s no better place to be.

So we ventured our way to Bloom where the girls are trained, and where there is a beautiful cafe where some of the girls serve delicious cupcakes that the girls have made. A huge group of students were passing through, causing quite a bit of madness for the staff at Bloom, so we suggested coming back next week to meet Ruth and staff. We ate our cupcakes, drank our coffee, and off we went.

Since we had some time to kill before our next appointment, we decided to visit the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum, a high school converted into a prison during Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge reign, where more than 17,000 men, women, and children were tortured and killed. We wandered through the school grounds where these innocent lives were imprisoned. We stood in their tiny jail cells, stood next to the instruments by which lives were tortured and killed, walked through halls of "mugshots" of these innocent victims and other photographs of tortured and beaten victims. I watched an older Cambodian woman stare into the faces in these mugshots, nudging her grandchildren towards photos of these children who were arrested and killed. Tears filled her eyes as she looked into the eyes of these photographs. I wondered what she might have gone through during Pol Pot's reign. As I looked at the faces and the slashed bodies of victims, I thought of Jesus and the torture he went through... for someone like me. He understands… our Father understands. As I watched the sadness and pain in the eyes of this older Cambodian woman, I thought of how God's own heart must have been breaking at the sight of his precious children being tortured and killed by these horrific sins. I thought of how painful a beating Jesus had to endure to pay for those acts.

After visiting Tuol Sleng, we headed to meet Daughters of Cambodia. Our meeting with them was also changed but we decided to wander over anyways and pay a visit to their visitors center which houses a café that they use to train and employ past sex workers. As we sat down at the Café, 3 ladies were having a business meeting of some sort at the table behind us. As we enjoyed the delicious brownie (…and I mean DELICIOUS) and coffee, I’ll admit I was eavesdropping a bit, wondering if and which one might be Ruth, the founder of the organization. Once again, He showed us again that by simply being open and willing to go as He leads, He does open the right doors He wants us to walk through. After their meeting, Ruth sat down with us to share her passion, her vision, challenges and opportunities, and we really just got to know this beautiful woman from Australia who has dedicated her life to the people of Cambodia, giving sex workers another chance at life, giving them the skills and tools to pull their lives up and restore dignity, peace, and real joy into their lives. We were thankful for the time we had with her.

After Daughters, we wandered our way down to popular Rendang, a restaurant training and employing men and women from the slums… street kids…, teaching them to cook and serve, educating them, and equipping them with language and hospitality skills. Delicious dinner. A great way to finish off a good first full day in Phnom Penh.

Toothpaste?

After Tuol Sleng, we grabbed lunch at a little café down the street.  A little boy was selling books outside the restaurant.  He was decently dressed, and his spoken English was pretty good.  Anyhow, at one point during lunch, he sat down at our table and asked us if we wanted to buy any books.  He then proceeded to pick up my droid phone and play with it, and find videos on youtube.  As we were leaving the restaurant, we asked him if he wanted a toothbrush.

So my dentist – mind you it was my first time ever visiting this dentist and she knew nothing about me other than the fact that I had a cavity in my mouth – as I spoke to the receptionist about making my next appointment, the dentist overheard that I was going to Cambodia. Immediately she told her assistant to order a bunch of toothbrushes for me to take with me.  I’m constantly surprised by the generosity and compassion of people – they want to be part of it, but they need easy ways to do it.

In general I shy away from giving money to people I meet on the street.  I’ll buy them something on the street to eat if they want, or give a child a pencil or something.  This time, we each carried a couple toothbrushes in our bag to give away. So this kid was not asking for money, just for us to buy a book, so we offered him a toothbrush as we were leaving the restaurant instead.  Jenny hands him the toothbrush, and he says: “thank you. What about the toothpaste?”  Absolutely valid point we talked about before the trip, but we weren’t going to bring a few hundred tubes of toothpaste with us… nor were we expecting an 8 year old to challenge us on that point.  Anyways, we found some humor in this little smarty pants kid...

Eating our way through Korea

After a 24 hour trip to Seoul, we’re now making our way to Cambodia. I say with no exaggeration, we just ate our way through Seoul. We explored the markets, ate street food, met up with my good friend from my home Church, ate more food, followed by more food, and then headed to a “jimjilbang” (sauna/spa) where we slept, ate, then wandered the streets, and then headed to the airport where we again, ate more food, then boarded our plane, and ate again… and that takes us to right now – us, sitting on the plane, bellies full of delishness, enroute to our layover in Guangzhou China and then onto Phnom Penh, Cambodia.

My friend Lisa, who we met up with in Shanghai, will be joining us for a few days in Phnom Penh. God is just opening up doors as we move along. Before we left, we had a couple of meetings set-up, and then just email feelers sent out to other people and organizations. It feels like in the past week, I’m getting emails left and right from people and organizations. It’s almost starting to feel a bit overwhelming as we don’t know what our schedule will be like just yet. It sure is filling up, but we’re just praying for the doors He wants us to walk through to open and those He does not want us to to close. More to come after we get to Cambodia!

A quick word of thanks for all the notes and prayers from friends back home. It’s been encouraging to see your fb notes and emails, and just knowing that we’re being surrounded by His covering through your prayers. We take for granted so much every day, but we realize just how truly blessed we have been, from our journeys through Shanghai and Seoul, and now onto Cambodia. It’s been a tiring trip and I constantly feel sleep deprived, yet He seems to fill us up with the energy and joy to sustain us as we explore and enjoy the things He has graciously given us. A big praise is that our luggage is all on its way to Cambodia. We have a large bag full of soccer balls, school supplies, toothbrushes, and small gifts that we brought for people we are visitng (lots of Tastykakes – taste of Philly). We weren’t sure if we’d be allowed to check-in this bag without penalty but no questions have been asked so seems that we are good to go! And we’ve found ourselves running to gates to catch our plane – we are so thankful because not only have we been able to catch our flights, but we’ve also gotten in some much needed exercise since all we did in Korea was eat. He watches over every need indeed!

24 hours in Seoul... 24 pounds heavier.

 

 

Spoiled in Shanghai

We had a good couple days in Shanghai visiting some historic sites, wandering different markets, tasting different foods, and meeting up with some old friends. It feels like we’ve been moving nonstop, but I guess we’re trying to maximize the short time we have here.

My uncle’s business partner lives in Shanghai, and my uncle seems to have no shortage of “best” friends there who have been arranging so much for us – from our airport pick-up to our accommodations to tea and fruit at a tea house one of his friends own. We’re being spoiled, and we’re quite thankful for that!

The day we arrived, my uncle’s business partner picked us up from the airport, took us around to the French Concession area where we ate a delicious Hunan'ese meal followed by a leisurely stroll around town. As we walked, he pointed out a big, old Church building, and then mentioned that he had heard my dad is a Christian. So naturally, we respond and ask if he is, and he said “not yet.” Apparently his close friend, also a close friend of my uncle’s, just joined the “family”, and I guess this friend is causing him to think more about it. Seeds are being planted, and I’m just praying that it takes root in his life, as well as my uncle and family.

Afterwards, we stopped at the tea house that my uncle’s friend owns. We are treated too well there. My college buddy Lisa joined us there and helped plan out some ideas for tomorrow… couldn’t get any easier. So thankful for that, especially given the jetlag and lack of sleep over the past 48 hours or more.

We also had the opportunity to meet up with my good friends from my old Church in Princeton who moved to Shanghai when I was in college. It was such a blessed time catching up, seeing what they’re up to, and hearing how real He is in their lives and seeing them truly live the faith in all aspects of their lives. I know that He was speaking through them when he reminded me, through his own experience (they’ve started up a successful architecture and design firm) how hard it is, yet how important it is, to wait and be patient and be still. When He convicts you with something He’s calling you to, sometimes the hardest part is waiting on the how and what. I feel like that’s exactly where I am now – truly it is so hard to be patient and continue seeking His direction and vision in what I’m trying to do when it feels like the conversation is unidirectional and filled with silence from Him, but lots of chatter from others. It was so encouraging to hear that message from someone who I trust and look up to, and someone who’s gone through it and understands.

Another friend who grew up in the same church joined us at their house for dinner. He’s been in China the past few years doing a variety of different things, but the more recent and cooler ones is his pursuit of becoming a pop/rap-star in Asia. We got to listen to his latest album and I’m pretty impressed!

Enroute to Shanghai

At this moment, Jenny and I are making our way to Shanghai, flying over the Baffin Bay, and I’m sandwiched by a sleeping Jenny and a sleeping stranger, and I’m kind of wanting to go for a walk through the cabin, but not sure how to maneuver my way out. So, I guess I’ll just sit here patiently.

I am completely exhausted. I would love to just sleep this whole 14 hour flight, but I can't stop thinking about all the catch-up and things to do. I would also love to watch all of these movies too, but… well, I did just watch The King’s Speech which was really good!

Sleep is on my mind, as my eyes are heavy and the yawning increases, but also on my mind is just a heart of thankfulness. It has been so good and sweet to have friends and family pray for our journey. With these past few crazy weeks, it’s been hard to focus and sit down with Him, yet in my heart I know how much I need that time with Him. I'm so thankful for how truly blessed I am... for being surrounded by wonderful friends who proactively ask to pray for us when I feel too weak to sit still as I run around like a madwoman. It is so true that “when we are weak, He is strong”, and He does indeed provide everything, even the community of brothers and sisters to come and surround us with the prayers that we so much are in need of. So a special thank you to all of my brothers and sisters who are journeying with us through your prayers, and through thoughts, and through your donations (despite our last minute planning).

Aching for Japan

Japan and the people of Japan have been on my heart all day today. The devastating earthquake and tsunami hit the news yesterday, but it wasn't until today that it really soaked in as I watched newsclip after newsclip. By today, I had heard from all of my close friends who are in Japan, and thankfully they are okay. I was worried especially for my Japanese grandparents - well, they're not MY real grandparents, but my good friend from college's grandparents whom I visited a couple years ago... by myself... without my friend. Anyhow, my Japanese grandparents are super cool and super cute. But my Japanese grandmother took me for a walk along the beach which is just down the street from their home, and I was picturing the worst, but thank God, they are both fine... as are my other friends and family in Tokyo. I've been getting constant updates from my friend who works for an NGO that works with local farmers in Japan, many who were affected if not deceased as a result of the tragedy. The devastation is scary and sad... personal and impersonal both at the same time. I heart breaks for the physical devastation but also for the spiritual state of the country. Praying for the nation, for the people, for the communities, and especially for His spirit to rise through and bring a real hope to this nation.

McD's for Ian

I was in NYC today where I knew it would be “easy” to spot people with needs as they would most likely just come up to me. But twice I failed. I had compassion, but that compassion did not overflow into action. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I get the words out to tell the homeless singing trio to hold on so that I could reach into my bag and fumble for some money. Was I fearful of the stares and thoughts of the other passengers crowded into the subway car with me? Whatever the reason, I sat in the crowded seat clutching tightly to my backpack trying not to disturb the people seated around me. Then, another man panhandled his way over through our subway car, and again, I failed to take action. Compassion I felt, but feelings that don’t turn into action results in nothing. I was so ashamed – ashamed because of the commitment I had made for Lent, but also because this concept of helping people turn compassion into action is what I am striving to do with my company, and yet I could not even let that compassion overflow. I can think of plenty of reasons to justify why I did not, but the reality is that excuses don't result in forward progress - the reality is that I failed.

Later in the day, I stopped into McDs to grab a quick bite and use their wifi to figure out how I was going to make my way home to Philly. As I wandered in, the line delineation was not very clear so I asked a lady and a man if they were in line. The lady said yes, the man, Ian, just kind of shrugged and smiled. I sensed something was wrong. I asked Ian if I could get him something to eat, and he politely refused. I pushed a little more, being sensitive to not be too pushy, but in my mind, I could not sort through why he was just standing there staring at the menu not be in line, and refuse the offer for food. He finally said “small coffee”. I said okay and pressed again to see if he wanted food. He said no, then finally “small fries”. Ok fine, so I got Ian that and then added a chicken sandwich to his order. After conversing with him and giving him his food, I saw the store manager approach him, shooing him out the door.

I thought maybe I should have invited him to sit down to eat at a table instead of just handing him the bag of food. In college my friend and I would befriend homeless people and invite them to dine with us; but I guess being a girl there by myself, I’m a little more hesitant to do that nowadays. Sometimes it’s hard to find that right balance and feel content with how we love people – loving with care but with wisdom and common sense.

Then... I made my way to Penn Station to catch the NJT to Trenton. Community group was meeting in South Jersey today, so instead of taking the Septa from Trenton to Philly and then Patco'ing back to South Jersey, I thought I might attempt the Riverline which stays in NJ, and catch the Patco from there. It was a much cheaper option, and from a geographic standpoint made sense. Well, the nice lady sitting next time was concerned for my life apparently. She didn't think it was smart for me to transfer trains in Camden, and gave me strict tips to follow upon disembarking from the train for my transfer. She was pretty sure I'd get robbed or something... how reassuring. I was thankful for the fear she instilled in me, and for the wise tips as I made it just fine to the Patco and then onto my community group. I mean, it's not like I had on anything fancy - just my usual jeans, hoodie, and backpack, but I guess the Asian outside of me made me stick out like a sore thumb... she said... "you look like you don't belong, and others will know that and will take advantage of you... take your phone... take your bag..." Made me think how challenging it would be to live incarnationally in certain communities just because of the color of my skin. But then again, we are to live incarnationally in this world...

Matt 22:21

So today, I wrote a bunch of checks to the country, state, and city that I live in and it was a painful experience. I'm learning through my checkbook the "joys" of being a small business owner. OUCH! Honestly, a few days ago when my accountant laid out the damage over the phone, I was nearly in tears thinking through what I was hearing. But today, writing out the many checks from my business and personal checkbooks, I felt OK. I mean, it's not like I was shouting for joy as I tore out each check and personally autographed the line, but I was fine. It was almost freeing in some weird sense. I think as I continue to think through this Lenten season about money and comfort and things, I am just reminded that everything I have is His.

And while I was tempted to say... oh man I gave PLENTY today... I could not justify giving to the IRS as my Lent commitment to "give beyond where it hurts", even if it did hurt. I spent the day working from a coffee shop, then dinner with friends, and a meeting over dessert, and while my eyes were peeled for opportunities to give, well, no one really struck me as the person God was putting in front of me... But then He reminded me of His Church... and that's where I committed Day 1 of my Lenten Journey to. And as I write about it now in my blog, I can't think of a better way to start - focused on His house and His body.

Matthew 22:21 - ...Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.”

Lent

So I've never really formally participated in a season of Lent, but I was really encouraged and inspired by some of my bros and sistas who do keep Lent. And then at prayer mtg last night we were reading and discussing an article by Craig Higgins that was handed out at Church and this statement in particular really resonated with me... "realizing that repentance should characterize the totality of the Christian life, we should see the practical wisdom in setting aside time especially for this purpose. Just as a baseball player may work at staying in shape year round but still give special attention to conditioning before the start of spring training, so we may find great spiritual benefits in setting aside a few weeks to give special attention to the state of our souls."

And so... as I thought about the state of my heart, even just the past couple of weeks... all I can say is that it's been quite messy! Bouts of anger, sudden onset of teary eyes, bitterness, sadness, stressed-out, woe-is-me'isms. And as I unpeeled the source of that anger and stress, idols are popping up that were buried before because I never had to confront them personally. My lack of faith.. a lack of trust in Him who is my provider of ALL things is evident... I hold onto what I have as if I received those solely because of my hard work. I "know" these are all blessings from above, yet clearly, I must not truly "know" what that means, because my emotional reactions that simmer and boil my blood upon those things being taken away, rightfully or wrongfully, are a clear indication of the true state of my heart.

So it is with these things on my heart that I scribbled a bunch of things into my journal.. some random thoughts are here: "God everything I have is yours. Give beyond where it hurts. Compassion, forgiveness, hope. I surrender. Give when it hurts, give when it's hard, love when they are seemingly unloveable, acts of kindness. Bold faith. Trust Him. Follow His lead. Show and give compassion." And so for Lent, I'm not giving up a food or a simple pleasure, but rather, I'm attempting exactly what I scribbled... to give beyond where it hurts, remembering that everything I have is from Him, to show compassion... but to be deliberate and intentional, to seek God's direction for the recipient of the compassion, to walk the world with eyes like Jesus, to grow my heart of compassion like He had, to prioritize His people over my to-do list and my calendar... to do this every day, with much prayer, following His lead... so, here we go.

I'll cry if I want to!

because when life just seems to be against you... i sit there and pout like a 5 year old who's mom won't let her have french fries. i pout, i get angry, and when i really feel like there's nothing i can do to change it, the tears start welling up in the eyes... and then.. sometimes they start flowing. i miss my dog. i miss her patience... her willingness to just lay there while i put my head next to her or on her or rubbed my wet face on her soft fur... and i just complained and cried... she never barked back... opined... or walked away... yeah who knows if she was drowning me out but it was comforting and an outlet for me to vent in a safe place.

teach me to trust you in everything. teach me to handle life the way you would. teach me to find your face in every situation. it's not about me... it's about You. teach me to live that.