Spoiled in Shanghai

We had a good couple days in Shanghai visiting some historic sites, wandering different markets, tasting different foods, and meeting up with some old friends. It feels like we’ve been moving nonstop, but I guess we’re trying to maximize the short time we have here.

My uncle’s business partner lives in Shanghai, and my uncle seems to have no shortage of “best” friends there who have been arranging so much for us – from our airport pick-up to our accommodations to tea and fruit at a tea house one of his friends own. We’re being spoiled, and we’re quite thankful for that!

The day we arrived, my uncle’s business partner picked us up from the airport, took us around to the French Concession area where we ate a delicious Hunan'ese meal followed by a leisurely stroll around town. As we walked, he pointed out a big, old Church building, and then mentioned that he had heard my dad is a Christian. So naturally, we respond and ask if he is, and he said “not yet.” Apparently his close friend, also a close friend of my uncle’s, just joined the “family”, and I guess this friend is causing him to think more about it. Seeds are being planted, and I’m just praying that it takes root in his life, as well as my uncle and family.

Afterwards, we stopped at the tea house that my uncle’s friend owns. We are treated too well there. My college buddy Lisa joined us there and helped plan out some ideas for tomorrow… couldn’t get any easier. So thankful for that, especially given the jetlag and lack of sleep over the past 48 hours or more.

We also had the opportunity to meet up with my good friends from my old Church in Princeton who moved to Shanghai when I was in college. It was such a blessed time catching up, seeing what they’re up to, and hearing how real He is in their lives and seeing them truly live the faith in all aspects of their lives. I know that He was speaking through them when he reminded me, through his own experience (they’ve started up a successful architecture and design firm) how hard it is, yet how important it is, to wait and be patient and be still. When He convicts you with something He’s calling you to, sometimes the hardest part is waiting on the how and what. I feel like that’s exactly where I am now – truly it is so hard to be patient and continue seeking His direction and vision in what I’m trying to do when it feels like the conversation is unidirectional and filled with silence from Him, but lots of chatter from others. It was so encouraging to hear that message from someone who I trust and look up to, and someone who’s gone through it and understands.

Another friend who grew up in the same church joined us at their house for dinner. He’s been in China the past few years doing a variety of different things, but the more recent and cooler ones is his pursuit of becoming a pop/rap-star in Asia. We got to listen to his latest album and I’m pretty impressed!

Enroute to Shanghai

At this moment, Jenny and I are making our way to Shanghai, flying over the Baffin Bay, and I’m sandwiched by a sleeping Jenny and a sleeping stranger, and I’m kind of wanting to go for a walk through the cabin, but not sure how to maneuver my way out. So, I guess I’ll just sit here patiently.

I am completely exhausted. I would love to just sleep this whole 14 hour flight, but I can't stop thinking about all the catch-up and things to do. I would also love to watch all of these movies too, but… well, I did just watch The King’s Speech which was really good!

Sleep is on my mind, as my eyes are heavy and the yawning increases, but also on my mind is just a heart of thankfulness. It has been so good and sweet to have friends and family pray for our journey. With these past few crazy weeks, it’s been hard to focus and sit down with Him, yet in my heart I know how much I need that time with Him. I'm so thankful for how truly blessed I am... for being surrounded by wonderful friends who proactively ask to pray for us when I feel too weak to sit still as I run around like a madwoman. It is so true that “when we are weak, He is strong”, and He does indeed provide everything, even the community of brothers and sisters to come and surround us with the prayers that we so much are in need of. So a special thank you to all of my brothers and sisters who are journeying with us through your prayers, and through thoughts, and through your donations (despite our last minute planning).

Aching for Japan

Japan and the people of Japan have been on my heart all day today. The devastating earthquake and tsunami hit the news yesterday, but it wasn't until today that it really soaked in as I watched newsclip after newsclip. By today, I had heard from all of my close friends who are in Japan, and thankfully they are okay. I was worried especially for my Japanese grandparents - well, they're not MY real grandparents, but my good friend from college's grandparents whom I visited a couple years ago... by myself... without my friend. Anyhow, my Japanese grandparents are super cool and super cute. But my Japanese grandmother took me for a walk along the beach which is just down the street from their home, and I was picturing the worst, but thank God, they are both fine... as are my other friends and family in Tokyo. I've been getting constant updates from my friend who works for an NGO that works with local farmers in Japan, many who were affected if not deceased as a result of the tragedy. The devastation is scary and sad... personal and impersonal both at the same time. I heart breaks for the physical devastation but also for the spiritual state of the country. Praying for the nation, for the people, for the communities, and especially for His spirit to rise through and bring a real hope to this nation.

McD's for Ian

I was in NYC today where I knew it would be “easy” to spot people with needs as they would most likely just come up to me. But twice I failed. I had compassion, but that compassion did not overflow into action. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I get the words out to tell the homeless singing trio to hold on so that I could reach into my bag and fumble for some money. Was I fearful of the stares and thoughts of the other passengers crowded into the subway car with me? Whatever the reason, I sat in the crowded seat clutching tightly to my backpack trying not to disturb the people seated around me. Then, another man panhandled his way over through our subway car, and again, I failed to take action. Compassion I felt, but feelings that don’t turn into action results in nothing. I was so ashamed – ashamed because of the commitment I had made for Lent, but also because this concept of helping people turn compassion into action is what I am striving to do with my company, and yet I could not even let that compassion overflow. I can think of plenty of reasons to justify why I did not, but the reality is that excuses don't result in forward progress - the reality is that I failed.

Later in the day, I stopped into McDs to grab a quick bite and use their wifi to figure out how I was going to make my way home to Philly. As I wandered in, the line delineation was not very clear so I asked a lady and a man if they were in line. The lady said yes, the man, Ian, just kind of shrugged and smiled. I sensed something was wrong. I asked Ian if I could get him something to eat, and he politely refused. I pushed a little more, being sensitive to not be too pushy, but in my mind, I could not sort through why he was just standing there staring at the menu not be in line, and refuse the offer for food. He finally said “small coffee”. I said okay and pressed again to see if he wanted food. He said no, then finally “small fries”. Ok fine, so I got Ian that and then added a chicken sandwich to his order. After conversing with him and giving him his food, I saw the store manager approach him, shooing him out the door.

I thought maybe I should have invited him to sit down to eat at a table instead of just handing him the bag of food. In college my friend and I would befriend homeless people and invite them to dine with us; but I guess being a girl there by myself, I’m a little more hesitant to do that nowadays. Sometimes it’s hard to find that right balance and feel content with how we love people – loving with care but with wisdom and common sense.

Then... I made my way to Penn Station to catch the NJT to Trenton. Community group was meeting in South Jersey today, so instead of taking the Septa from Trenton to Philly and then Patco'ing back to South Jersey, I thought I might attempt the Riverline which stays in NJ, and catch the Patco from there. It was a much cheaper option, and from a geographic standpoint made sense. Well, the nice lady sitting next time was concerned for my life apparently. She didn't think it was smart for me to transfer trains in Camden, and gave me strict tips to follow upon disembarking from the train for my transfer. She was pretty sure I'd get robbed or something... how reassuring. I was thankful for the fear she instilled in me, and for the wise tips as I made it just fine to the Patco and then onto my community group. I mean, it's not like I had on anything fancy - just my usual jeans, hoodie, and backpack, but I guess the Asian outside of me made me stick out like a sore thumb... she said... "you look like you don't belong, and others will know that and will take advantage of you... take your phone... take your bag..." Made me think how challenging it would be to live incarnationally in certain communities just because of the color of my skin. But then again, we are to live incarnationally in this world...

Matt 22:21

So today, I wrote a bunch of checks to the country, state, and city that I live in and it was a painful experience. I'm learning through my checkbook the "joys" of being a small business owner. OUCH! Honestly, a few days ago when my accountant laid out the damage over the phone, I was nearly in tears thinking through what I was hearing. But today, writing out the many checks from my business and personal checkbooks, I felt OK. I mean, it's not like I was shouting for joy as I tore out each check and personally autographed the line, but I was fine. It was almost freeing in some weird sense. I think as I continue to think through this Lenten season about money and comfort and things, I am just reminded that everything I have is His.

And while I was tempted to say... oh man I gave PLENTY today... I could not justify giving to the IRS as my Lent commitment to "give beyond where it hurts", even if it did hurt. I spent the day working from a coffee shop, then dinner with friends, and a meeting over dessert, and while my eyes were peeled for opportunities to give, well, no one really struck me as the person God was putting in front of me... But then He reminded me of His Church... and that's where I committed Day 1 of my Lenten Journey to. And as I write about it now in my blog, I can't think of a better way to start - focused on His house and His body.

Matthew 22:21 - ...Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.”

Lent

So I've never really formally participated in a season of Lent, but I was really encouraged and inspired by some of my bros and sistas who do keep Lent. And then at prayer mtg last night we were reading and discussing an article by Craig Higgins that was handed out at Church and this statement in particular really resonated with me... "realizing that repentance should characterize the totality of the Christian life, we should see the practical wisdom in setting aside time especially for this purpose. Just as a baseball player may work at staying in shape year round but still give special attention to conditioning before the start of spring training, so we may find great spiritual benefits in setting aside a few weeks to give special attention to the state of our souls."

And so... as I thought about the state of my heart, even just the past couple of weeks... all I can say is that it's been quite messy! Bouts of anger, sudden onset of teary eyes, bitterness, sadness, stressed-out, woe-is-me'isms. And as I unpeeled the source of that anger and stress, idols are popping up that were buried before because I never had to confront them personally. My lack of faith.. a lack of trust in Him who is my provider of ALL things is evident... I hold onto what I have as if I received those solely because of my hard work. I "know" these are all blessings from above, yet clearly, I must not truly "know" what that means, because my emotional reactions that simmer and boil my blood upon those things being taken away, rightfully or wrongfully, are a clear indication of the true state of my heart.

So it is with these things on my heart that I scribbled a bunch of things into my journal.. some random thoughts are here: "God everything I have is yours. Give beyond where it hurts. Compassion, forgiveness, hope. I surrender. Give when it hurts, give when it's hard, love when they are seemingly unloveable, acts of kindness. Bold faith. Trust Him. Follow His lead. Show and give compassion." And so for Lent, I'm not giving up a food or a simple pleasure, but rather, I'm attempting exactly what I scribbled... to give beyond where it hurts, remembering that everything I have is from Him, to show compassion... but to be deliberate and intentional, to seek God's direction for the recipient of the compassion, to walk the world with eyes like Jesus, to grow my heart of compassion like He had, to prioritize His people over my to-do list and my calendar... to do this every day, with much prayer, following His lead... so, here we go.

I'll cry if I want to!

because when life just seems to be against you... i sit there and pout like a 5 year old who's mom won't let her have french fries. i pout, i get angry, and when i really feel like there's nothing i can do to change it, the tears start welling up in the eyes... and then.. sometimes they start flowing. i miss my dog. i miss her patience... her willingness to just lay there while i put my head next to her or on her or rubbed my wet face on her soft fur... and i just complained and cried... she never barked back... opined... or walked away... yeah who knows if she was drowning me out but it was comforting and an outlet for me to vent in a safe place.

teach me to trust you in everything. teach me to handle life the way you would. teach me to find your face in every situation. it's not about me... it's about You. teach me to live that.

Honoring our soldiers

We just arrived in St. Louis for our first layover enroute to Salt Lake City.  Onboard our flight was a young Sergeant carrying the remains of a deceased soldier.  The pilot asked us remain seated to allow these 2 soldiers off the plane first.  It was a touching moment, as the Sergeant walked up from the back of the plane, carefully holding a small wooden box and his travel bag.  The image of the box is ingrained in my memory… The packed plane sat quietly, patiently waiting and watching, in respect and in honor.  When he got to the front of the plane, about to get off the plane, he turned, faced us, and saluted us.  Saluting us, when we should have been saluting him.

Sad moment, but very touching.  It makes me proud to be an American, to be in a society where people respect each other (at least sometimes), where people honor our heroes, even though they may be complete strangers.  It also makes me proud to be a Southwest Airlines customer.  I’ve always enjoyed Southwest, but especially for the pilot’s sincere gratitude towards these two… and informing the passengers and allowing us strangers who happen to be on this flight to participate in honoring our soldiers.

Please get excited for Utah 2011

Another year, another trip to Utah! I am exhausted. We are somewhere between St. Louis and Albuquerque, and I am sandwiched between my two good friends who are getting in their zzz’s. I really want to succumb to the sleep but I MUST get some work done first.

Strangely, I’m still waiting for the excitement to kick-in. I think I’m just happy that I’m all packed and enroute, surrounded by good company, and ready to meet up with my ski / snowboard family. I guess I’m not as excited right now for a variety of reasons. Several times over the past few weeks, I’ve thought to myself whether I should go or not go, but in the end, this has become an annual tradition, and well, I guess it’s hard to let go of that. Gosh a couple years ago, I still made the trek and hit the slopes despite just having knee surgery 5 months earlier. And plus… our ski family…there’s a good handful of us who have gone together since ’06, and then every year some new friends come along and join us. So to not go, felt kind of like I’d be breaking an unwritten family contract. Ok, maybe I think too much…

But I guess this year there’s just a bit on my mind. 1) lift tix are expensive and I shouldn’t be spending that kind of money right now; and 2) I kind of hurt my leg a couple weeks ago playing soccer and I guess you could say I’m a little worried about it. I spoke to my ortho’s assistant yesterday, but I couldn’t really hear anything she was saying. All I heard was “sorry to be the bearer of bad news”… but I have not a clue what the bad news was… so… I guess I will try to be optimistic and blissfully ignorant. I think she was just saying that the doc is out of town?? I have no idea… In the back of my mind, I guess I’m bit pessimistic. I guess I’ve had a few too many injuries in the past and I just don’t have a great feeling. I guess I will try to be careful… have fun… and enjoy the times regardless. But because I keep thinking about those things, it’s kind of put a damper on my excitement… but I’m sure once I get on the snow, it will be different… I hope… I do not want to sit in the lodge and sip hot cocoa all day, and I hope and pray that does not happen.

Ok, back to work. Almost in Albuquerque… then on to the great Salt Lake.

shower now, gym tomorrow, shower later, no shower at all?

just got home from an exhausting day.. building mock political campaign strategies and talking up fundraising at a fellowship institute training i'm in... swinging by cu super saturday to say hi to some folks... meeting up with old friends who i haven't seen since... uh... well, one of them just a few months but the other since middle school summer school or something crazy like that.... and now that i'm finally home... what's going through my head is a debate on whether to shower now or in the morning... and whether perhaps I can get up early enough to hit the gym for a quick spin before my meeting starts in the am... and I know i'm not a morning person at all (I mean, my mgr used to make sure it was okay for us to have morning meetings because he knew i didn't do so well in the mornings)... but i could really use some physical activity... and so if i went in the morning, then there's no point in showering now (fyi, i'm not all that dirty but major hat head from constant drizzle and wearing my hat)... but most likely, i'd fail to wake up in time to go to the gym, and then fail to wake up in time to sneak in a shower before my meeting. ugh... what a silly dilemma, but apparently one that seems to recur in my life.

...reminiscing back to June 21, 1997... i recently resurrected my old prayer journal from hs.

June 21, 1997
...Lord it's really late, and I haven't taken a shower, so I pray that you give me the strength and will power to get up early tomorrow to take a shower...

I guess things don't really change all that much... but at least then, I brought everything to Him.  Perhaps I need to be doing that more today.

lunch break testimony

So I think I'm going to start a discipline of watching video clips, Ted talks, and the like over lunch.  Here's one that was truly inspiring that I watched today..  a young North Korean girl sharing her testimony.  I was touched... so well, I'm sharing it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KEFbo2tJ_8&feature=related

family times... and happy chinese new year!

Once again... it's been awhile.  It's kind of sad that I didn't know that Chinese New Year is here... show's you how un-Asian I truly am.  Last year for Chinese New Year, I was in Vancouver with my brother and sister-in-law's family, hangin with the family, exploring Vancouver, cheering on the good 'ole USA in the Olympics, skiing Whistler near the Olympic course, and getting "hong bao" (red envelopes stuffed with money!!!).  My family is so Americanized we don't really get into the red envelopes - we feast, maybe do a small envelope exchange... but not a huge deal.  Although thinking about it now, I'm kind of sad that my family is all out of town for the holiday.  My dad just called from the lobby of a hotel in HK to catch up and wish me a Happy Chinese New Year - how festive (sarcastic).  My bro and mom and dad are all in HK, timing just kind of worked out.. and I know they aren't there to celebrate the New Year there together like a family vaca..., I kind of wish I were there with them.  Yeah... I got a little sad...

I also found out today, through email (i guess some communication is better than none), that my grandpa is in the hospital - combination of broken hip that was caused by something in the brain and blood sugar... I don't know.  Once again, I'm kind of sad... kind of disappointed in myself.  My grandpa is in the hospital, and I feel like I should be more concerned, but I feel like I'm more sad that I'm not sad.  Has it just not hit me?  So this is my mom's dad, who lived in Maryland for much of my life.  While they've only recently moved back to Taiwan, I'm amazed, and disappointed in myself... for allowing physical distance affect my relationship with them.  Wow.  For a moment, I was brought back to the memory of being next to my grandpa (on my dad's side) as he was passing, and the emotions of that night... I mean, I know this gramps is not at that stage, but just a passing thought.

What else... well, with the fam all in Asia I am officially the family mail(wo)man, bill payer, errand runner, and snow shoveler.  This, I must say, has taken quite a bit of my time and energy... running back and force b/w NJ, NYC, Philly... through treacherous snowstorms and everything.  Oh the things we do for family.

prioritization help!

something that's been on my mind lately, as i am feeling somewhat inadequate and overwhelmed by "things to do" is what it means to invest in people's lives and to truly love them as He loved us.  I am just reminded of just how selfish I am.  There are people in my life who are going through rough times, ppl who need some 'yarping' as my friend Jenn would say, ppl who need to vent and talk, ppl who need to be loved and cared for... and I say I want to be there and my heart aches for them, yet it's so easy for me to get bogged down in what I, personally, need to do and take care of, that I neglect those relationships that He's placed in my hands and my heart.  I'm reminded of JC, who invested in the lives of 12 people, while I am challenged by investing in the lives of just a couple.  I mean, I know I'm not Him... but He's my role model.

I'm asking simply for Him to teach me to prioritize His plans... and to help me to completely trust Him.  I get stressed thinking about the things I need to do... but to what end and to whose purpose?  I'm bogged down by society's pressures... getting my company up... building a brand... getting work and clients... and sometimes my mind wanders to entering the job market. I think to much about making a life here on earth.. income, money, life in America... Let's face it - I haven't completely surrendered and I have a trust problem. It's so easy for me to blind myself and convince myself of who is leading what and where.  I'm sure I've posted the lyrics to this song on my blog before, but it's one of my favorites and it's my prayer right now... "Use Me Here" by Everybody Duck...

Use Me Here, Where I am, I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans.
Despite my fear, I place my life in Your hands. The future can wait, tomorrow might be too late,
So Jesus use me here.

I lay my hearts desires at your feet, o Lord. Take all the plans I've made and all my dreams.
Blinded by triumphs of tomorrow, I've let sin control today.

I tell myself I want to know Your will, O Lord. Still I confess I've had plans of my own.
But from now on I plan to listen to Your will and to obey.

Use Me Here, Where I am, I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans.
Despite my fear, I place my life in Your hands. The future can wait, tomorrow might be too late,
So Jesus use me here.

I give you my life???

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  I suppose this is often the case, but the past couple of weeks in particular have been challenging because it involved commitment, decisions, and deadlines.  It's been especially hard because there is just so much uncertainty in my life right now.  It's hard for me to make a commitment to something, even something I believe in and hits at the core of my heart, when other things in my life are in flux.  The other thing in my life is my job - the organization I am building.

So often, I think about how much easier it would be to go back to a regular job at a company... other times I think about going back to school... other times I think about moving to my parents house and figuring things out there, where it would be free to live, no Philly city tax... but I'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere.  If any of those options were to prevail, then I could not feasibly commit to this decision I had to make which is around a leadership position at my Church.  Everything about the role is stuff that my heart breaks about - but did I really have to commit to it?  Can't I just help out? What if I need to move?  What if life leads elsewhere?

So anyhow, I've been in this wrestling match with Him on whether or not to accept the potential opportunity or not. As the deadline approached this week, I was torn up.  I felt sick, anxious, stressed...  in my desire to follow Him, I feared making the wrong decision.... and as I prayed and mulled over this to feeling ill... I realized that my fear was not so much the wrong decision, but a fear of fully entrusting my life to Him.  Was I really doing His will?  Was I really willing to give it ALL up to Him and let him take control? Was I?  Verbally I said yes, but deep down, did I really, really really believe it?  Probably not...

After I quit my job in February, my prayer was that He would take control - that I would be forced to depend on Him fully for everything, for my every day's needs, for the vision of EdGE, for my life.  I've been so lucky to have that consulting project that provided some income, but now that that's wrapped up, my natural instinct is to figure out, okay, what's next??? ... and broker it myself... because... well, sometimes its hard to not take control of your life.  That's how our culture works.  That's how I've been raised.  Those "reality" questions are the ones I face from my parents all the time.  I want to trust Him fully but in the back of my mind I can't help but doubt.  What is EdGE - is this really what I should be doing?  His answer was "yes" to that as He totally allowed me to locate my incorporation papers that I had misplaced but needed for some application.  I happened to be carrying a box of old files upstairs and a folder was open with the incorporation paper sitting inside right in my eyes' view.  That could not be random - there is no reason why it should have been in that box and there is no reason why I would have normally looked at that box and there is no explanation for that folder to be slightly open with that paper in it.  Ok, so that's pretty clear...

As I pleaded with him the other night to help me know where He wanted me, I "randomly" flipped through His book and landed, once again "randomly" to some chapters and verses that just happened to have had special meaning to me in the past... He once again affirmed that He knows... He is there... it's okay. He filled me with His joy and laughter and sweetness as He touched my heart with His words that needed to read and hear... starting with a chapter on "do not be anxious"... and ending with one of my favorite verses... Luke 12: 48 -- "... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."  That was it - that sealed the deal.  I knew where He wanted me.

I finally feel at peace about EdGE and the decision.  I'll admit I'm still a bit overwhelmed with things, but I'm learning to trust Him, day by day, each moment at a time.  A song He's got in my heart now by Sidewalk Prophets...

If I saw You on the street / And You said come and follow me / But I had to give up everything / All I once held dear and all of my dreams / Would I love You enough to let go / Or would my love run dry / When You asked for my life.

When did love become unmoving? / When did love become unconsuming? / Forgetting what the world has told me / Father of love, You can have me / You can have me.

If You’re all You claim to be / Then I’m not losing anything / So I will crawl upon my knees / Just to know the joy of suffering / I will love You enough to let go / Lord, I give you my life / I give you my life

......I want to be where You are / I’m running into Your arms / And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart.

Working with people you trust

I just wrapped up a 6-month consulting engagement with a large insurance company as it spun off its global operation, merged and integrated with another global company.  The gig more or less landed in my lap - actually when they asked if I would help, I thought; "no, I didn't quit my corporate job to go right back into corporate."  But as I thought and prayed about it, the project seemed it might be interesting, and there may be opportunity to pursue, or at least learn and leverage that knowledge as I continue to build up my organization.  Here's why.

With any merger and integration, there are people issues.  And where there are people issues is exactly the space I want to play in.  The concept behind EdGE is indeed about people engagement.  Yes, my goal is to get people and companies and schools and groups to engage in socially responsible work and activities, but I believe that in order for that to happen in a meaningful, impactful, and sustainable way, it first requires people to be engaged in what they already do and where they already spend the majority of their time and energy.  People need to see the value they can bring to their organization or company - people need to understand that and derive value from that to drive their motivation in continuing in his or her daily work.  Only when people understand who they are and how they fit into their work or their activities, can people truly build a lasting and mutually meaningful and valuable relationship with the local or global community he or she may desire to impact.

So, did I succeed?  Well, at the end, I did not get to do as much in pushing the CSR agenda - there was just too much uncertainty and cynicism that needed to be allayed first.  I played more of an internal communications strategy role, as we developed frameworks and strategies and tactics to best communicate to our global community of employees who had been on a crazy roller-coaster ride the past couple years with the economy, and who needed some "TLC" through the continued uncertainty.  It was a neat perspective to gain working with a global operation, effectively communicating not only across different personalities, but different cultures and attitudes and global dynamics.  

Despite my inability to push towards CSR, it reminded me of the philosophy behind EdGE.  Pushing CSR at a time when people are uncertain about whether they will have a job in a few months is not effective.  There are levels of comfort that people all need to have before they can participate effectively in anything, whether that be in their family, their job, their activities, or their communities.  You can't push an agenda down someone's throat - you need to address their needs and frame the agenda in a way that does address those needs.  Right now, the 12,000+ employees we were focused on needed their basic needs addressed - they needed to know what was going on with the merger and integration, they needed to know what was changing for them, they needed to know if they would have a job.  Since we didn't know who would have a job or not, we had to focus on getting them relevant information and updates on what was going on in a manner that they would respond to.  So, that's what we did.  Now that the deal is closed, they'll have to focus on tactically executing on the integration plans and bringing together the people from both organizations.  Once people have a better idea of what they are doing, what role they play on their team, how they work with the people they work with, etc., only after that is clear can you successfully get the discussion rolling around CSR.  Let's face it - people are selfish.  People want to know what's in it for them.  So I guess back to my original question on whether I succeeded or not - well, we did what we could, and I think we did a decent job.  I had hoped I'd get more CSR play in, but also went in knowing it might be a hard pitch to sell.  I didn't, but I did learn from the experience, which was part of my personal agenda, and I also had privilege of working with and getting to know some great people... people whom I considered colleagues but now as family.

I couldn't help but feel sad as I was getting ready to leave and say my goodbyes today.  Tears actually welled up a bit - gosh I've really got some separation anxiety issues... but truly these are people who I've come to really love and care for.  They are my friends, my mentors, my family, and I'm sad that I won't see them and interact with them both professionally or personally on a weekly basis.  This was indeed a tiring project, running to NYC weekly, sometimes more than once per week, and also Delaware this past month; but nonetheless I realize over and over again how important the people you surround yourself with that helps you stay engaged and interested through those tiring and frustrating moments.  Sometimes its those same people that you come to love who are causing the frustration, yet still, there is that desire to push through and drive for the success of the team.

I've been so fortunate to have worked with some really great people.  I'll add to my growing family of colleagues and mentors through this experience.  And I remind myself how important it is to work with good people... people who believe in you and trust you.. people who you believe in and who you can trust in as well.