boston

Boston really shook me.  I don’t know why it did more so than other tragedies and things that we’ve faced.  I think I reached my tipping point… just fed up… angry… sad.. scared… reminded me of post 9/11 days, wandering NYC and trying to pretend things were normal and we were not scared but you flinch at any thing that looks somewhat weird, sounds strange… but you try to move on nonetheless.

Even though I haven’t lived extensively in Boston, it still feels like home.  I mean, NJ is home… let me not mistake anyone.  I’m a proud NJ’sian… but I was born in Boston. I was born in the hospital that many patients were taken to – Brigham and Women’s.  No big deal but it gave a small sense of connection.  Watertown where the shootout was… my best friend lives really close to there.  I’ve wandered those streets.  Another friend’s fiancé was injured in the blasts – surprised to see him on CNN one night being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Seeing friends on CNN is most likely never a good thing. The marathon – I mean, I know we should always be vigilant, but ya know what?  I don’t want to have to think or worry about things like this happening at races…  look when I step on a plane or am in certain situations, of course the thought crosses my mind that something could happen… I need to be vigilant.. or just pray hard.. but for races?  It’s like the opportunity to get away and focus on that finish line… not wonder what will happen as I run to the finish line.  I guess it’s a reminder that our lives are out of our control.

Anyhow, Boston just really rocked me.  I tried to go on, and I did on the outside, but inside I was struggling… spiritually I was just tired. Praying was hard.  Reading the Bible was hard.  Crying out to God was hard.  I needed someone to remind me of the Gospel, but I didn’t know how to ask. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to ask.

“never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world, for indeed, that’s all who ever have”

quoted by margaret mead

new Guatemalan friends

i met many people in guatemala, and many had an impact on me... i'll share two of them with you here.

this woman was helping with the clean up after we served lunches to the children.  i don't know why but I felt the tugging to go and talk to her... despite the fact that I know 0 spanish... and... she spoke no english!  so that made for an interesting attempt at speaking with each other... nonetheless sometimes all it takes is just being present and giving people dignity by making eye contact and touching their shoulder or giving that hug.  a staff member saw me and was wondering what i was doing... they knew i knew no spanish and they probably saw me flailing my arms as i tried to explain things using whatever hand motions and facial expressions i could pull.  anyhow at the end of the animated "conversation", she said, translated through the staff member... "thank you for wanting to talk to me even though I am poor…"  wow... it made me so sad to think that she would have expected anything else from me... of course...why would i NOT want to talk to you... who cares if you're poor or rich... but isn't that the reality?  oftentimes we are so good at blocking people out of our view and moving forward with our oh so busy lives... God open our eyes to what you see...

then this little girl and her grandma... we vistied her grandma's 'home'..  what a testimony she had... won't share it in detail now, but she makes bags (out of plastic bags!) and jewelry and sells them.  i loved this woman's faith and perseverance to move forward after a devastating accident that physically hurt her and depressed her. what little she had was now gone.  but through this organization, she was able to get back on her feet... literally... and is now growing her business... her daguther is helping and her precious granddaughter helps care for her grandma.  i don't know why but i really felt a specail connection with this little girl... once again another example of how God can speak without words... she made me a little bracelet... so i made her one in exchange.  beautiful family.

a competition for survival - vultures vs. dogs vs. rats vs. humans

I was in Guatemala with one of our partner organizations who are working to love, care, and serve individuals and families who live and work in and around the garbage dump.  an amazing ministry for sure... i have much more to write about the ministry but that will have to wait another time.  These pictures give a sense for the community they are working in... a place where vultures, dogs, rats, humans, and who knows whatever else is hiding in there... compete… fighting for trash.  Pray for these people and their families... it's tough and dangerous work. Pray for the ministry working so hard every day to care for and love and serve these people... people they call Treasures... because they are God's Treasures... 

 

opening your eyes... with great prudence.

back to work today... i.e. back to coffee shops and cafes and virtual offices... trains... buses... all the fun... utah was great.. 5 days straight of skiing and snowboarding somehow.  considering i was feeling the soreness on day 1, how i made it to day 5 could only be God's grace... He knows how much i love the mountains... the snow... the speed... the adventure... the challenge... and perhaps the pain and suffering... the numb feet in tight ski boots... the burning in the legs... sometimes i wonder why i subject myself to such suffering but i guess the optimistic side focuses on the adventure and fun... the exhiliration... the beauty of creation... ya know... all that good stuff..

was in sbux this afternoon/evening and a woman walks in, sits down next to me... what started as a convo about her pc laptop and my mac turned into a relationship of vulnerability and tears. i don't even know what caused me to talk or ask or what... but I guess sometimes when we put aside our personal agendas and busyness of life and let God lead, He opens the doors for conversation and for His compassion to pour out.  Long story short, this woman's boyfriend had suddenly passed away and well... it's been hard...  of course.  She kept apologizing but really, why should she apologize?  Thankful that God opened my eyes, ears, and heart to just listen and be there for her.  We are His hands and feet, to those we know and those we don't know... to those in India and China and around the world.. but also right here at home.  So many hurting.. so many... we need to ask God to open our eyes and ears and see the hurt.. and be His presence in our broken world.

Funny... well perhaps not funny... the woman sitting on the other side of me was speaking in tagalog to what sounded like her family in the philippines... my tagolog is quite limited but i think the gist was that she was catching up with her mom and dad and grand mom over the phone, and really missing being there with them.  on both sides of me... tears... people sad and hurting for different reasons... people who might need the touch of JC. in my mind i was thinking... 'ok God... so... should i now turn to this filipino woman and start up a convo?  shoudl we have a group cry-out?  a group of strangers sharing and crying and counseling each other... right here... in sbux... right now... really???"

i did not get to speak to the filipino woman... but a third person did enter the scene later.  i won't go into details but just really reminded that especially as a woman... you really need to be careful and act with prudence. dang man what's wrong with some men out there?!?!  makes me so angry.. there are times to be vulnerable.. but always must be done with caution and much wisdom.

sharing a coke with grandpa

my gpa loved pizza and coke/pepsi... he called this bubbly fizzy drink 'pepsi-tang'.. 'tang' in chinese is soup.. so literal translation: "pepsi soup".  my parents told me to pour some of the coke on the ground so he could 'drink' some... which i found a bit odd but i did as they suggested.

i don't know... i relaly have a hard time at graves... call me heartless but i really struggle with the idea that i must go to the grave site to talk to my grandpa.  i miss him... dont get me wrong.. we were buddies as long as i can remember... we had a very special relationship and seeing him go was probably one of the saddest days of my life... even visiting his grave this time with my parents and gma was super sad for me... geez it seemed like it was more sad for me than for all of them... perhaps because i have probably buried my emotions about him... well, let's face it... i just get emotional about family easily... 

so first my gma says some words to gpa, then my dad, then my mom, and then they all say, tammy you say some things too...  my response... "uh... not with y'all standing here"... so they walk towards the car, i'm dripping tears... and i honestly have no idea what to say... why do i have such a hard time speaking to a headstone?  why am i lost for words... why can't i speak to him like he's right there?  why am i self-conscious about the fact that i'm crying and my family knows it... why?

yeye (what i used to call my gpa)... i miss you... i love you... and i can't wait to see you one day in heaven.  i know your mind and memory will be restored. we'll reminesce and talk about the many memories we had... we'll ride the exercise bike together and you'll push me on and say "jia you". please take care of goldie... miss her a lot too... 

lessons on bravery at the mountaintop

ok it's been awhile.. i have a bunch of back posting to do which i'll try to do over the next few weeks, but in the meantime, didn't want to lose this story from today.

earlier today my mom was commenting how 'brave'（勇敢）I've become (in reference to me living in the us while my rents and bro r now in china for much of the year.. if one can even call that brave..low standards for me in our fam)... she added a reminder of how I was such a baby (thx mom).. yep i was that kid who would cry to go home early from girl scout camp and cry at the payphone at soccer camp... yes we used payphones back then... but then was totally surprised at her reasoning... she said: "it must have been skiing." (at this point i have no clue where she is going with this). "you know when you went down that mtn the first time" (ok i was like 7.. and i've only heard this story in the context of mockery.. and i don't think my mom was even there to witness this... but apparently she was told the whole story in detail!). "at first you stood at the top of the mountain (ok, it was a hill in NJ but looked huge at the time) and stood there crying (my brother and dad were at the bottom of this tiny hill before they realized i was still standing at the top...), but then you went down (well my dad came back up to get me and i had no choice.. i had to get down somehow).. and so was the start of my love for skiing and mountains... and apparently... my 'bravery'... (although to call someone brave for being an independent adult whose parents live far away seems quite undeserving of the characteristic of 'brave'... the chinese word is perhaps a bit more fitting but... not really...).  oh well... i'll take it for what it's worth.

revealing faithfulness through diet mountain dew

God works in different ways, but He is always working if you ask and welcome Him into your life.  this week has been tough because of a board meeting we were having.  the final prep is always a final crunch, no matter how much in advance you start.

yesterday afternoon i was craving a diet mountain dew.  i kneow, it's random, but i know i'm really tired and desperate to stay awake when i grab for the diet mountain dew. coffee will not do at this point. so there's a little deli down in the building i'm working in.  i go down in search for the mountain dew to find that the store closed half an hour ago.  in my mind i'm saying, "seriously?  it's not even 4!"  at this point i just wanted to pout cuz i was so tired and really wanted this and didn't know where else to go.  totally crankypants.. there's not much in that area in terms of small stores and such.  so then i decide, let's walk to the quiznos acoross the street... and... guess what?  they have diet mountain dew in the soda machine!  those machines never have diet mountain dew as an option!  and all i could do was smile, laugh, and praise God... for providing in even this way.  i know it sounds silly but i walked back to the office feeling so thankful and reassured that it was all going to be okay.  He cares for even the small things.. of course He will take care of the big things... which really are not big things at all... He is faithful... and I was reminded of that through diet mountain dew.  ;)

i feel...

...like this... and it's gonna be a long night...













...picture courtesy of JK from our adventures in India this summer.  i must have been trying osmosis.. never works...

but nonetheless trying to rejoice... because He is good and He deserves to be praised... i've been reading some of Francis Chan's book and i love this blurb... quoting from Crazy Love...

He's talking about the verse in Phil 4:4 that says; "rejoice in the Lord always!"  and he says:
...............
you'll notice that it doesn't end with "... unless you're doing something extremely important".  no, it's a command for all of us, and it follows with the charge, "do not be anxious about anything".  

when i am consumed by my problems-stressed out about my life, my family, and my job - i actually convey the belief that i think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice.  in other words, that i have a "right" to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibiliies.

worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives. 

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatiene, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control. 

basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional.  both worry and stress reek of arrogance. they declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, taht we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.

Why are we so quick to forget God?  Who do we thinkg we are?  

I find myself relearning this lesson often.  Even though I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all."
......................................................
Wow... well said. amen to that.  Glad I'm not the only one... so... on that note... I will rejoice!

..oh.. please forgive the typos...too lazy to edit...  little finger boo-boo...

Holy Saturday - "Silence Is Not Empty"

This is what was on my mind today.  What about this Saturday between the death of Christ and His resurrection?  I came across this article which i found insightful...

Today's Slice: The Silence Is Not Empty by Jill Carattini

"Good" Friday and the Father's Cup

I struggle with this day being called "Good" Friday.  I guess you can say that what God did in that day, the transferrance of sin from the multitude over to His one and only perfect and holy son... was good for the multitude... but it just doesn't sit well with me that me, being one of the multitude, would call this a good day.  Maybe it's just me... how can I?  A day that Jesus was flogged and hung on a cross and died... a day that my issues, my problems, my sins were whipped and nailed into Jesus.  I struggle to call it "good" friday.  But I don't doubt the beauty of God's restorative work in our lives... and I know that could only be possible through the death of His son.

A friend had posted this article from the desiring God blog that illustrates Jesus' last day on Earth.   I warn you it is a painful read, but an important one that provides some helpful imagery and emotion to the physical pains that Jesus went through.  For me, my heart wrenched as i read it... as  I pictured His skin being ripped off, thought about that cross that Jesus died... for me... that's not fair that he would have to do that for me... I am the guilty one..  I don't deserve this love He gives so graciously... the cost for such a sacrifice... wow... who am i but a hypocrite.  who am i but a betrayer.  who am i but a flaky child who doesn't know what or whom she loves more.  who am i to deserve such love.  and yet, you call me your child.  wow.

thank you for sending your son.  Jesus I'm sorry for the pain I inflicted upon you.  I'm sorry that even though my mind knows... my actions don't follow.  I betray you... I break promises to you... I don't love you enough... I often love the world more.  i don't even know what it means to give it all to you... and yet you still love me and give me all.  i'm sorry for not even being sorry enough... thank you for accomplishing the mission.  thank you.

link to the post:
The Father's Cup (Good Friday)