Lent

So I've never really formally participated in a season of Lent, but I was really encouraged and inspired by some of my bros and sistas who do keep Lent. And then at prayer mtg last night we were reading and discussing an article by Craig Higgins that was handed out at Church and this statement in particular really resonated with me... "realizing that repentance should characterize the totality of the Christian life, we should see the practical wisdom in setting aside time especially for this purpose. Just as a baseball player may work at staying in shape year round but still give special attention to conditioning before the start of spring training, so we may find great spiritual benefits in setting aside a few weeks to give special attention to the state of our souls."

And so... as I thought about the state of my heart, even just the past couple of weeks... all I can say is that it's been quite messy! Bouts of anger, sudden onset of teary eyes, bitterness, sadness, stressed-out, woe-is-me'isms. And as I unpeeled the source of that anger and stress, idols are popping up that were buried before because I never had to confront them personally. My lack of faith.. a lack of trust in Him who is my provider of ALL things is evident... I hold onto what I have as if I received those solely because of my hard work. I "know" these are all blessings from above, yet clearly, I must not truly "know" what that means, because my emotional reactions that simmer and boil my blood upon those things being taken away, rightfully or wrongfully, are a clear indication of the true state of my heart.

So it is with these things on my heart that I scribbled a bunch of things into my journal.. some random thoughts are here: "God everything I have is yours. Give beyond where it hurts. Compassion, forgiveness, hope. I surrender. Give when it hurts, give when it's hard, love when they are seemingly unloveable, acts of kindness. Bold faith. Trust Him. Follow His lead. Show and give compassion." And so for Lent, I'm not giving up a food or a simple pleasure, but rather, I'm attempting exactly what I scribbled... to give beyond where it hurts, remembering that everything I have is from Him, to show compassion... but to be deliberate and intentional, to seek God's direction for the recipient of the compassion, to walk the world with eyes like Jesus, to grow my heart of compassion like He had, to prioritize His people over my to-do list and my calendar... to do this every day, with much prayer, following His lead... so, here we go.

I'll cry if I want to!

because when life just seems to be against you... i sit there and pout like a 5 year old who's mom won't let her have french fries. i pout, i get angry, and when i really feel like there's nothing i can do to change it, the tears start welling up in the eyes... and then.. sometimes they start flowing. i miss my dog. i miss her patience... her willingness to just lay there while i put my head next to her or on her or rubbed my wet face on her soft fur... and i just complained and cried... she never barked back... opined... or walked away... yeah who knows if she was drowning me out but it was comforting and an outlet for me to vent in a safe place.

teach me to trust you in everything. teach me to handle life the way you would. teach me to find your face in every situation. it's not about me... it's about You. teach me to live that.

Honoring our soldiers

We just arrived in St. Louis for our first layover enroute to Salt Lake City.  Onboard our flight was a young Sergeant carrying the remains of a deceased soldier.  The pilot asked us remain seated to allow these 2 soldiers off the plane first.  It was a touching moment, as the Sergeant walked up from the back of the plane, carefully holding a small wooden box and his travel bag.  The image of the box is ingrained in my memory… The packed plane sat quietly, patiently waiting and watching, in respect and in honor.  When he got to the front of the plane, about to get off the plane, he turned, faced us, and saluted us.  Saluting us, when we should have been saluting him.

Sad moment, but very touching.  It makes me proud to be an American, to be in a society where people respect each other (at least sometimes), where people honor our heroes, even though they may be complete strangers.  It also makes me proud to be a Southwest Airlines customer.  I’ve always enjoyed Southwest, but especially for the pilot’s sincere gratitude towards these two… and informing the passengers and allowing us strangers who happen to be on this flight to participate in honoring our soldiers.

Please get excited for Utah 2011

Another year, another trip to Utah! I am exhausted. We are somewhere between St. Louis and Albuquerque, and I am sandwiched between my two good friends who are getting in their zzz’s. I really want to succumb to the sleep but I MUST get some work done first.

Strangely, I’m still waiting for the excitement to kick-in. I think I’m just happy that I’m all packed and enroute, surrounded by good company, and ready to meet up with my ski / snowboard family. I guess I’m not as excited right now for a variety of reasons. Several times over the past few weeks, I’ve thought to myself whether I should go or not go, but in the end, this has become an annual tradition, and well, I guess it’s hard to let go of that. Gosh a couple years ago, I still made the trek and hit the slopes despite just having knee surgery 5 months earlier. And plus… our ski family…there’s a good handful of us who have gone together since ’06, and then every year some new friends come along and join us. So to not go, felt kind of like I’d be breaking an unwritten family contract. Ok, maybe I think too much…

But I guess this year there’s just a bit on my mind. 1) lift tix are expensive and I shouldn’t be spending that kind of money right now; and 2) I kind of hurt my leg a couple weeks ago playing soccer and I guess you could say I’m a little worried about it. I spoke to my ortho’s assistant yesterday, but I couldn’t really hear anything she was saying. All I heard was “sorry to be the bearer of bad news”… but I have not a clue what the bad news was… so… I guess I will try to be optimistic and blissfully ignorant. I think she was just saying that the doc is out of town?? I have no idea… In the back of my mind, I guess I’m bit pessimistic. I guess I’ve had a few too many injuries in the past and I just don’t have a great feeling. I guess I will try to be careful… have fun… and enjoy the times regardless. But because I keep thinking about those things, it’s kind of put a damper on my excitement… but I’m sure once I get on the snow, it will be different… I hope… I do not want to sit in the lodge and sip hot cocoa all day, and I hope and pray that does not happen.

Ok, back to work. Almost in Albuquerque… then on to the great Salt Lake.

shower now, gym tomorrow, shower later, no shower at all?

just got home from an exhausting day.. building mock political campaign strategies and talking up fundraising at a fellowship institute training i'm in... swinging by cu super saturday to say hi to some folks... meeting up with old friends who i haven't seen since... uh... well, one of them just a few months but the other since middle school summer school or something crazy like that.... and now that i'm finally home... what's going through my head is a debate on whether to shower now or in the morning... and whether perhaps I can get up early enough to hit the gym for a quick spin before my meeting starts in the am... and I know i'm not a morning person at all (I mean, my mgr used to make sure it was okay for us to have morning meetings because he knew i didn't do so well in the mornings)... but i could really use some physical activity... and so if i went in the morning, then there's no point in showering now (fyi, i'm not all that dirty but major hat head from constant drizzle and wearing my hat)... but most likely, i'd fail to wake up in time to go to the gym, and then fail to wake up in time to sneak in a shower before my meeting. ugh... what a silly dilemma, but apparently one that seems to recur in my life.

...reminiscing back to June 21, 1997... i recently resurrected my old prayer journal from hs.

June 21, 1997
...Lord it's really late, and I haven't taken a shower, so I pray that you give me the strength and will power to get up early tomorrow to take a shower...

I guess things don't really change all that much... but at least then, I brought everything to Him.  Perhaps I need to be doing that more today.

lunch break testimony

So I think I'm going to start a discipline of watching video clips, Ted talks, and the like over lunch.  Here's one that was truly inspiring that I watched today..  a young North Korean girl sharing her testimony.  I was touched... so well, I'm sharing it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KEFbo2tJ_8&feature=related

family times... and happy chinese new year!

Once again... it's been awhile.  It's kind of sad that I didn't know that Chinese New Year is here... show's you how un-Asian I truly am.  Last year for Chinese New Year, I was in Vancouver with my brother and sister-in-law's family, hangin with the family, exploring Vancouver, cheering on the good 'ole USA in the Olympics, skiing Whistler near the Olympic course, and getting "hong bao" (red envelopes stuffed with money!!!).  My family is so Americanized we don't really get into the red envelopes - we feast, maybe do a small envelope exchange... but not a huge deal.  Although thinking about it now, I'm kind of sad that my family is all out of town for the holiday.  My dad just called from the lobby of a hotel in HK to catch up and wish me a Happy Chinese New Year - how festive (sarcastic).  My bro and mom and dad are all in HK, timing just kind of worked out.. and I know they aren't there to celebrate the New Year there together like a family vaca..., I kind of wish I were there with them.  Yeah... I got a little sad...

I also found out today, through email (i guess some communication is better than none), that my grandpa is in the hospital - combination of broken hip that was caused by something in the brain and blood sugar... I don't know.  Once again, I'm kind of sad... kind of disappointed in myself.  My grandpa is in the hospital, and I feel like I should be more concerned, but I feel like I'm more sad that I'm not sad.  Has it just not hit me?  So this is my mom's dad, who lived in Maryland for much of my life.  While they've only recently moved back to Taiwan, I'm amazed, and disappointed in myself... for allowing physical distance affect my relationship with them.  Wow.  For a moment, I was brought back to the memory of being next to my grandpa (on my dad's side) as he was passing, and the emotions of that night... I mean, I know this gramps is not at that stage, but just a passing thought.

What else... well, with the fam all in Asia I am officially the family mail(wo)man, bill payer, errand runner, and snow shoveler.  This, I must say, has taken quite a bit of my time and energy... running back and force b/w NJ, NYC, Philly... through treacherous snowstorms and everything.  Oh the things we do for family.

prioritization help!

something that's been on my mind lately, as i am feeling somewhat inadequate and overwhelmed by "things to do" is what it means to invest in people's lives and to truly love them as He loved us.  I am just reminded of just how selfish I am.  There are people in my life who are going through rough times, ppl who need some 'yarping' as my friend Jenn would say, ppl who need to vent and talk, ppl who need to be loved and cared for... and I say I want to be there and my heart aches for them, yet it's so easy for me to get bogged down in what I, personally, need to do and take care of, that I neglect those relationships that He's placed in my hands and my heart.  I'm reminded of JC, who invested in the lives of 12 people, while I am challenged by investing in the lives of just a couple.  I mean, I know I'm not Him... but He's my role model.

I'm asking simply for Him to teach me to prioritize His plans... and to help me to completely trust Him.  I get stressed thinking about the things I need to do... but to what end and to whose purpose?  I'm bogged down by society's pressures... getting my company up... building a brand... getting work and clients... and sometimes my mind wanders to entering the job market. I think to much about making a life here on earth.. income, money, life in America... Let's face it - I haven't completely surrendered and I have a trust problem. It's so easy for me to blind myself and convince myself of who is leading what and where.  I'm sure I've posted the lyrics to this song on my blog before, but it's one of my favorites and it's my prayer right now... "Use Me Here" by Everybody Duck...

Use Me Here, Where I am, I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans.
Despite my fear, I place my life in Your hands. The future can wait, tomorrow might be too late,
So Jesus use me here.

I lay my hearts desires at your feet, o Lord. Take all the plans I've made and all my dreams.
Blinded by triumphs of tomorrow, I've let sin control today.

I tell myself I want to know Your will, O Lord. Still I confess I've had plans of my own.
But from now on I plan to listen to Your will and to obey.

Use Me Here, Where I am, I'm not gonna pray anymore that You'll change Your plans.
Despite my fear, I place my life in Your hands. The future can wait, tomorrow might be too late,
So Jesus use me here.

I give you my life???

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  I suppose this is often the case, but the past couple of weeks in particular have been challenging because it involved commitment, decisions, and deadlines.  It's been especially hard because there is just so much uncertainty in my life right now.  It's hard for me to make a commitment to something, even something I believe in and hits at the core of my heart, when other things in my life are in flux.  The other thing in my life is my job - the organization I am building.

So often, I think about how much easier it would be to go back to a regular job at a company... other times I think about going back to school... other times I think about moving to my parents house and figuring things out there, where it would be free to live, no Philly city tax... but I'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere.  If any of those options were to prevail, then I could not feasibly commit to this decision I had to make which is around a leadership position at my Church.  Everything about the role is stuff that my heart breaks about - but did I really have to commit to it?  Can't I just help out? What if I need to move?  What if life leads elsewhere?

So anyhow, I've been in this wrestling match with Him on whether or not to accept the potential opportunity or not. As the deadline approached this week, I was torn up.  I felt sick, anxious, stressed...  in my desire to follow Him, I feared making the wrong decision.... and as I prayed and mulled over this to feeling ill... I realized that my fear was not so much the wrong decision, but a fear of fully entrusting my life to Him.  Was I really doing His will?  Was I really willing to give it ALL up to Him and let him take control? Was I?  Verbally I said yes, but deep down, did I really, really really believe it?  Probably not...

After I quit my job in February, my prayer was that He would take control - that I would be forced to depend on Him fully for everything, for my every day's needs, for the vision of EdGE, for my life.  I've been so lucky to have that consulting project that provided some income, but now that that's wrapped up, my natural instinct is to figure out, okay, what's next??? ... and broker it myself... because... well, sometimes its hard to not take control of your life.  That's how our culture works.  That's how I've been raised.  Those "reality" questions are the ones I face from my parents all the time.  I want to trust Him fully but in the back of my mind I can't help but doubt.  What is EdGE - is this really what I should be doing?  His answer was "yes" to that as He totally allowed me to locate my incorporation papers that I had misplaced but needed for some application.  I happened to be carrying a box of old files upstairs and a folder was open with the incorporation paper sitting inside right in my eyes' view.  That could not be random - there is no reason why it should have been in that box and there is no reason why I would have normally looked at that box and there is no explanation for that folder to be slightly open with that paper in it.  Ok, so that's pretty clear...

As I pleaded with him the other night to help me know where He wanted me, I "randomly" flipped through His book and landed, once again "randomly" to some chapters and verses that just happened to have had special meaning to me in the past... He once again affirmed that He knows... He is there... it's okay. He filled me with His joy and laughter and sweetness as He touched my heart with His words that needed to read and hear... starting with a chapter on "do not be anxious"... and ending with one of my favorite verses... Luke 12: 48 -- "... Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more."  That was it - that sealed the deal.  I knew where He wanted me.

I finally feel at peace about EdGE and the decision.  I'll admit I'm still a bit overwhelmed with things, but I'm learning to trust Him, day by day, each moment at a time.  A song He's got in my heart now by Sidewalk Prophets...

If I saw You on the street / And You said come and follow me / But I had to give up everything / All I once held dear and all of my dreams / Would I love You enough to let go / Or would my love run dry / When You asked for my life.

When did love become unmoving? / When did love become unconsuming? / Forgetting what the world has told me / Father of love, You can have me / You can have me.

If You’re all You claim to be / Then I’m not losing anything / So I will crawl upon my knees / Just to know the joy of suffering / I will love You enough to let go / Lord, I give you my life / I give you my life

......I want to be where You are / I’m running into Your arms / And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart.

Working with people you trust

I just wrapped up a 6-month consulting engagement with a large insurance company as it spun off its global operation, merged and integrated with another global company.  The gig more or less landed in my lap - actually when they asked if I would help, I thought; "no, I didn't quit my corporate job to go right back into corporate."  But as I thought and prayed about it, the project seemed it might be interesting, and there may be opportunity to pursue, or at least learn and leverage that knowledge as I continue to build up my organization.  Here's why.

With any merger and integration, there are people issues.  And where there are people issues is exactly the space I want to play in.  The concept behind EdGE is indeed about people engagement.  Yes, my goal is to get people and companies and schools and groups to engage in socially responsible work and activities, but I believe that in order for that to happen in a meaningful, impactful, and sustainable way, it first requires people to be engaged in what they already do and where they already spend the majority of their time and energy.  People need to see the value they can bring to their organization or company - people need to understand that and derive value from that to drive their motivation in continuing in his or her daily work.  Only when people understand who they are and how they fit into their work or their activities, can people truly build a lasting and mutually meaningful and valuable relationship with the local or global community he or she may desire to impact.

So, did I succeed?  Well, at the end, I did not get to do as much in pushing the CSR agenda - there was just too much uncertainty and cynicism that needed to be allayed first.  I played more of an internal communications strategy role, as we developed frameworks and strategies and tactics to best communicate to our global community of employees who had been on a crazy roller-coaster ride the past couple years with the economy, and who needed some "TLC" through the continued uncertainty.  It was a neat perspective to gain working with a global operation, effectively communicating not only across different personalities, but different cultures and attitudes and global dynamics.  

Despite my inability to push towards CSR, it reminded me of the philosophy behind EdGE.  Pushing CSR at a time when people are uncertain about whether they will have a job in a few months is not effective.  There are levels of comfort that people all need to have before they can participate effectively in anything, whether that be in their family, their job, their activities, or their communities.  You can't push an agenda down someone's throat - you need to address their needs and frame the agenda in a way that does address those needs.  Right now, the 12,000+ employees we were focused on needed their basic needs addressed - they needed to know what was going on with the merger and integration, they needed to know what was changing for them, they needed to know if they would have a job.  Since we didn't know who would have a job or not, we had to focus on getting them relevant information and updates on what was going on in a manner that they would respond to.  So, that's what we did.  Now that the deal is closed, they'll have to focus on tactically executing on the integration plans and bringing together the people from both organizations.  Once people have a better idea of what they are doing, what role they play on their team, how they work with the people they work with, etc., only after that is clear can you successfully get the discussion rolling around CSR.  Let's face it - people are selfish.  People want to know what's in it for them.  So I guess back to my original question on whether I succeeded or not - well, we did what we could, and I think we did a decent job.  I had hoped I'd get more CSR play in, but also went in knowing it might be a hard pitch to sell.  I didn't, but I did learn from the experience, which was part of my personal agenda, and I also had privilege of working with and getting to know some great people... people whom I considered colleagues but now as family.

I couldn't help but feel sad as I was getting ready to leave and say my goodbyes today.  Tears actually welled up a bit - gosh I've really got some separation anxiety issues... but truly these are people who I've come to really love and care for.  They are my friends, my mentors, my family, and I'm sad that I won't see them and interact with them both professionally or personally on a weekly basis.  This was indeed a tiring project, running to NYC weekly, sometimes more than once per week, and also Delaware this past month; but nonetheless I realize over and over again how important the people you surround yourself with that helps you stay engaged and interested through those tiring and frustrating moments.  Sometimes its those same people that you come to love who are causing the frustration, yet still, there is that desire to push through and drive for the success of the team.

I've been so fortunate to have worked with some really great people.  I'll add to my growing family of colleagues and mentors through this experience.  And I remind myself how important it is to work with good people... people who believe in you and trust you.. people who you believe in and who you can trust in as well.

I appreciate what you’re doing!

In the vast underground world of NYC, I was rushing from subway to subway, and saw a lady with a paper bag full of plastic Poland spring water bottles.  It reminded me of my days as the unofficial recycling girl at the large Fortune 500 company that I worked for.  Well, I only did one site, but on a weekly basis there was plenty of recycling and trash to be personally walked to my car, driven to the recycling dumpster at my apartment, and dumped in.

As I watched her from behind, I really wanted to encourage her to keep it up.  It’s a thankless job, and it’s easy to just say, “forget it!  What’s a handful of bottles anyways… " so, well, as I brushed by her I said “hey!  I appreciate what you’re doing! Thank you.”  and then went on my merry way.  It felt good to say that… although there was a side of me that wanted to say: “great job, but why don’t you get yourself a reusable bottle and drink tap.  NYC tap is great,” but I held back, as I myself was holding a plastic bottled drink in my hand.  One step at a time.  We’ve got to celebrate the small things… the small wins.  Change takes time, and she was doing her part.  So, thank you lady!

I know they teach you not to talk to strangers, but, we live in a global community.  And to be a community, you’ve gotta be open to listening, seeing, and talking to others.  So I encourage y’all to go and see, listen, and talk.  I mean, be smart, but treat people with dignity, and my motto... stolen from my past job... assume positive intent first.  I guess it's less relevant a motto for this instance, but perhaps for the homeless man I talked to yesterday.

What's so hard to love?

This evening as I was walking from my brother's apartment to meet my friend, I walked by a homeless man, shirt half off, sitting on top of a grated area, trying to get comfortable.  I wanted to do something for him, but then shamefully walked by him as if he was not there.  It was somewhat of a darker street and less populated, and no food options were around, so I walked right by him.  He didn't even ask for anything.  He did not look good.

As I walked by him, I started to get really mad at myself.  Just stop. Turn around. Go talk to him.  But... I kept going.  Yes, there was a side of me that was wanting to protect myself, but there was also a side of me that was thinking about the inconvenience of it all.  God I am sorry!  So then as I continued to walk, I promised God that the next homeless person I see, I'll get him/her something.  Gosh... forgive me for bargaining with you...

So then I met up with my friend Tomo for a date to Pinkberry.  We walked by a man holding a cup of change.  I stopped Tomo and told her about my promise to God, and that we needed to go and talk to the man.  (in college, Tomo and I would often talk and eat with homeless guys so it actually felt pretty normal).  So we went, offered to buy some food for him, and he said very honestly... "that's nice of you.  How about a juice."  And we prod and ask, "are you sure you don't want a sandwich or pizza or something?"  And he's like, "no... just juice... i just had a slice... but thank you."  And off we went to get him some juice.  The man was so gentle and thankful.  We fist bumped, or as Tomo taught me today, we "dapped" (she teaches high school kids who taught her that), and wished each other well.  Just a normal human being, like me, who's currently got some challenging circumstances.  He is made in the image of God, just like I am. That man was not that hard to love once we started talking.  We need to put down our stigmas and walls, treat humans (no matter how they look, smell, act) like God's precious children, and learn to care for one another and love each other.  Learning to love what seems difficult to love... but if God could love someone like me... then what could possibly be my excuse.

Random Coincidence?

So I think God is trying to speak to me through this Chris Tomlin song.  It seems to be playing everywhere I go.  You know... it's kind of like that Lamb Chops play along song... you know what I'm talking about..."this is the song that never ends, yes, it goes on and on, my friends. some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because..."  Okay well this song is not quite like that and it's not annoying at all.. I like it a lot... but you get the point... I hope...

So then this evening, as I opened pandora, this song starts playing. As the same exact time (literally), I happened to directed to some random website (not a music or lyrics site) and the lyrics to that song are literally sitting there in front of my face on the website home page.  How crazy is that!  So well, I feel that I should post it on my blog.  As it ministers and teaches me, I hope it does to you as well.

(I took repetitive chorus/bridge sections out to save space...)
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Remembering 9/11

9 years have passed.  I can remember the vivid details of the day.  I have not seen too much of it on TV as I haven't been home, but was just on a website and the pics came up... oh man, seeing those pictures brings it all back, very clearly.  It brings chills.  It brings sadness.

I remember the day unfolding in my dorm room in NYC.  I woke up to get ready for my first class of the day...then went to my computer.  My friend IM'd me asking if I had heard about the WTC?  My initial reaction was... uh... you mean like 7-8 years ago?  She said - go and turn the TV on.  Woh - what's going on.  One tower had been struck by a plane.  The smoke was billowing up into the clouds, flames still bright and smoky.  I stood motionless in front of the TV.  My suitemates started walking over. They sat down.  Then all of a sudden another plane comes across and flies into the 2nd building.  At first, I thought they were showing a video replay of the plane hitting the building, but then I quickly realized that now both buildings had been hit and were on fire. Wow. I could not believe.  In my mind I thought, could this really be happening?  What's going on?  It was shocking to see the plane hit the 2nd tower as it happened - that doesn't happen in today's news.  The broadcasters were just as shocked as we were.  I had to go to class but I didn't want to leave the TV. What's going on? I packed up and left for class.

In class, the teacher dismissed anyone who needed to connect with family members who worked in the Towers but asked everyone else to stay.  We acknowledged what happened, and then we attempted to go on with class.  The teacher wanted to keep some semblance of order, of regularity, that us watching the news all day or venturing downtown to the site would not do anyone any good.  I got back to my dorm after class and both Towers were engulfed in flames.  Then suddenly 1 just begins collapsing in on itself.  I was so disturbed... what's going on?  Oh man my heart sunk. How many lives were lost.  What will happen?  Who was in there?  Do I have friends or family in there?  I didn't want to leave the TV, but I had to get to my next class - they weren't canceling them.  Afterward as I walked back to my dorm, you could see the smoke clouds billowing high above in the sky.  People were staring at the sky.  People were chattering.  People were scared.  People were dazed.  I came back to the TV and the 2nd tower was gone too.  So surreal...All the phone lines are axed or busy so I can't call my parents.  I send my mom an IM to let her know we're fine. Thank God for IM... it was our means of communicating both on campus with our peers as well as with family whereever they may be.  I am utterly shocked.  I can't believe what I'm seeing.  The two towers... an iconic symbol of NYC... was gone.  More importantly, the people who didn't make it out.  God what is going on.

Growing up in central Jersey, friends' parents worked in those buildings. Did they make it out okay?  I thought, it could have easily been me or my family in those towers. I had recently just sung there with my gospel choir at the amex building at 3 World Financial Center right next door... I was frequently in office buildings throughout NYC interning or interviewing for internships.. we just visited the Towers a few months earlier on a family NYC trip. We have several snapshots looking up at the towers - one that was just taken months earlier.  It was scary to think about that...all we could do was sit there, in front of the tv and watch as the tragedy evolved, from NYC to DC to PA.  I would find out later that the man who helped take down the terrorists and the plane in PA lived in the neighborhood behind mine and attended a church that we sometimes visited.. leaving behind a young beautiful family.  Recent Columbia grads who worked in those Towers didn't make it. But there were also plenty of stories of survivors - people who made it out and had to walk to NJ to get home or who for whatever reason were not yet in the office or did not go that day.  We were thankful they made it... but they all had stories of others who did not.

We all felt so helpless - we all wanted to do something to help, but what could we do?  There was a public call for blood donations to local blood banks.  As we headed to the hospital, we were told by others that they didn't need anymore blood.  I'll spare the details why.  They announced that they were closing all the bridges and tunnels going in and out of NYC.  We half joked... great... we're stranded on this island...

The next day we woke up to a smoky sky with a burning smell in the air.  Classes were still on.  We talked about it.  We discussed it.  We debated it.  Interfaith prayer vigils were scheduled.  Tents went up where donations of food and clothing articles popped up.  A memorial was held on campus for CU alumni who perished - so many grads, some old, some young... some that had just graduated months earlier.

At the time, I was working with a couple of youth-led / youth empowerment organizations. The UN General Assembly was having a Special Session on Children later that month that I was supposed to report on as a youth correspondent.  That was postponed due to 9/11 but we knew we needed to pull together a global youth response to what just happened.  A video conference meeting with youths from around the world was quickly thrown together where we shared openly about our reactions and feelings on what had just happened.  Feelings of sadness and real anger (harsh virtual punches) came out on that call, but we, a group of teenagers and slightly older, were able to work through that in a relatively mature manner as we listened to each other and put ourselves in each others' shoes. I thought... if only the global leaders could have conversations like this and learn to listen to each other and work together... what would our world look like?  (I'm happy to see that this is starting to happen and I'm praying that the recent Middle East talks move in a positive way... I am a nerd... I rushed home from NYC one day so that I could watch the live news briefing of Pres Obama and Middle East leaders...).  Friends and family were telling us not to use the subways because of potential terrorist threats, but it's hard to live in NYC and avoid the subways.  I remember taking the 7 train to soccer games and staring at the gaping hole in the NYC skyline. I remember hearing sirens (a common occurrence in NYC before 9/11) and fighter planes in the sky, holding my breath hoping everything would be alright.  I wanted to flee NYC.  I left that spring to study abroad in China... where news is so filtered that everything sounds wonderful and the world seems to have no problems (okay, an extreme statement but you get the point...).

I had written an article in 2001 for another org's blog.  I was reminded of it today and just posted it on my blog: http://tamstergk1.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2001-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&updated-max=2002-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&max-results=1.  Got some negative reactions and positive encouragement in response to that article in '01, but it's what was on my mind then...

Anyhow on this anniversary of 9/11, I want to honor those that lost their lives that day. The day will never be forgotten. Your lives will never be forgotten.  

Separation Anxiety, Learning is Hard, Marriage!

So it's been a bit over a month since India, and it's been a time full of joy and excitement; frustrating, stress-ridden, not-at-peace moments; living and learning, and sadness and homesickness.

Why sadness and homesickness?
My parents left for China last week... my dad took a short job opp there, and less than one week after returning from my brother's wedding, they were off to China.  I'm super excited for them. I think it will be a fun, new, and fresh opportunity.  I hope and pray it stretches them outside of their comfort zone, which I think they (and myself as well) are too comfortable.  It's funny hearing them talk to their friends about having culture shock, given that they are real legit Chinese after all, but it's a reality.  China is a whole new ball park.  They grew up in Taiwan which is very different from mainland China, and even if they were in Taiwan now they'd have culture shock especially with them having been in the US for 30-40 years or so.  Anyhow, sad and homesickness... well, I am the baby of the house, and I guess I never quite outgrew being a baby. As a 3-4 year old, my dad had to sit through a full year of saturday morning Chinese school - yeah, I was young for the class, but regardless, one's parent should not have to sit through a full year of school.  Then whenever I started a new school, I'd cry my eyes out... this proceeded to continue... girl scout camping trip, summer sleepover camps (that I would beg my parents to let me go to), when my brother left for college and i had to stay by myself at a friend's house, in HS my summer at Brown U (cried the whole car ride up even though I was the one who wanted to go), college moving in (i was a disaster), when my parents left after visiting me during my study abroad program, moving to hartford for work (secretly after they left), and well... now... as they were leaving and dropping them off at the airport...  the tears started flowing, the lips pouted and the words "don't leave me".. "i don't want you go to"... came out.  gosh what is wrong with me..  i realize i'm ridiculous but it's just so out of my control.  i try to hide it for however long i can but at some point it just can't hold itself in anymore.  so annoying!  i really am excited for them, but clearly the tears just don't tell that story.  anyhow, it's sad not having them here, although we skype/gchat every day so i suppose it's not too different.

Why frustrating, stress-ridden, not-at-peace moments... living and learning...?
After my return from India, I've just been running around all over the place, from NY for work stuff, to Vancouver for my brother's wedding, to NJ to help wrap things up with my parents, to Philly where my life is... anyhow, the list of things to do was getting longer and longer, and I was still trying to process my experience in India.  I miss India dearly. I miss the people... my family in India... I miss the children... I miss them all.  It was indeed an amazing experience, but it was also difficult.  God is still teaching me.. about India... about His heart for the poor... about leadership... about relationships... about love... about me.  It's hard to learn... it's hard to discern truth... it's easy to say "whatever, so be it" and hard to say "grow me, teach me." At points I felt broken... I didn't know why I felt certain ways... I didn't know how to make the feelings go away... I didn't know how to make it all better.  I wanted to give up - strangely that is the easier route in a worldly sense.  But He's assured me that He is at work and has brought me to this place to teach me who He is. He's filling me back up with His joy again.  He's reminding me of His love and His sacrifice for me.  I felt like I was choking, but I'm learning again what freedom means, and what it meant to live in His freedom.  What peace and joy there is in that... despite all the stuff life on this earth entails... there is true freedom.

Why time of joy and excitement?

The bride & groom's siblings MC team 

My brother got married!  Yay!  Finally!  hehe... The wedding was in Vancouver, where my sister-in-law is from.  Lots of stuff to take care but I was happy to to support them... building the slideshow (and putting a date wrong in the slides... literally finishing it up the day of wedding!), helping with whatever, and MC'ing the reception.  Her bro and I MC'ed in English, Cantonese, and Mandarin.  I must say that we were a hit!!!  although not intentionally... simply because our Chinese is not so good... people were laughing... at our expense.  but it was really fun nonetheless.  So for example, we were telling folks that if they had not picked up their name card/seating assignment, to go pick up their card outside... well in my broken chinese i said: "if you haven't picked up your BUSINESS card, go outside".  no please, no thank you, just go outside.  :)   Anyways...lots of other entertaining remarks, again, by accident... (my dad described that there were lots of ups and downs and i translated that literally and directly from chinese into english... "there were up up down down").  Besides the ET factor, it was a really fun time seeing old friends and family (including my dad's awesome elementary school teacher who is just... amazing... I'll share about her another time because it warrants a full post on her alone), and getting to know more of my sis-in-law's family.... and seeing her two cute adorable dogs as well.  Super cute!  Vancouver is an awesome city too. Some of my brother's old HS friends who I hadn't seen since I was in middle school/HS was so surprised to see me all made up in a dress... the image of me frozen in her mind is that of a kid/teenager in soccer shorts and a t-shirt.  I guess things haven't changed that much... I still opt for that, but my mother would have hurt me if I showed up in that at my bro's wedding.  Anyhow twas lots of fun.

Alright, that's the quick, but lengthy update.